Barbie
06-21-2004, 06:28 PM
Vent: This is part of a private message, but felt like a good vent: so decided to post this thread.
I met my "then husband" (furthermore known as Dohhead) when I was still in grade 12. He had already graduated from high school and it was only a couple of months before graduation, so I REFUSE to acknowledge him as my highschool sweetheart. I believe that my highschool sweetheart and I dated when I was in grade 10 and after 10 years of no contact, have found each other again and are great friends via the internet/email: but nothing more.
Anyway: So Dohhead and I were 18 when we started dating. After about 6-8 months of dating, we broke up - though that only lasted a week and it was an obsessive/possessive breakup/reunite. I got pregnant 1 year later and Kristine was born premature in March of 93'. I had JUST turned 20 but really, I was still 17 or 18 in my head.
Regardless, we had no money and so we moved into his parents house. I never got along with his mother because it was obvious that Dohhead was still connected to the uterus - his passiveness towards his parents was nauseating. I fought like hell for him to pay me more attention (and our daughter attention) and less to his parents wants. It was useless from the beginning, but I went through that for years.
I could not take any of that anymore plus I really felt that I would do much better and a single parent (since Dohhead spent more time away from home either working or with his parents out doing stuff for them than he did for me and Kristine) so I moved into my mom's house a month of so.
For some unknown/unspoken reason, I got back with Dohhead and we moved into a little house that we rented in the same hometown as my mom. It was convienient for me so walk down to her house and spend time with her. My daughter was VERY close with her.
After Kristine was about a year old, Dohhead decided that he was going to follow his parents to Calgary where he was promised after only working for them in Calgary for a couple of months, a new "store" would open in Vancouver and he could work at that location. But that never came to fruitition. Instead, I spend a year and 1/2 living with my mom and raising my daughter (with the help of my mother).
Dohhead finally came home after letters upon letters of begging, arguing, pleading and then threatening. It was terrible what I put him through, but moreso, what I put myself through.
We moved out of my mom's house and into anyother apartment and for several months, Dohhead tried to make it work with a different line of work, but it was obvious and apparant that he was helpless without their "support" and I don't mean financial...again, this is all about "cutting the ambilical cord".
I was some how convinced that life would be better if we left Chilliwack BC and move to Calgary AB.
So when my kid was 3 1/2, we uprooted from the life she knew (my mother was her best friend) and we went. Blindly.
We moved into his parent's place for several months. First we lived in their condo, then their house that they bought - moving WITH them, and then getting our own place. A duplex.
Living with Dohhead was unbearable. So I decided to get a part time job. (No, I didn't work the entire up to this point - I was an at home mom)
My job allowed me to work the evenings so that we never had to pay for a babysitter. Dohhead came home with the car at 4PM - I left and worked 5-9 at Toys R Us in Shhipping and Receiving. (Boring)
There, I met several new people so that I was able to chat iwth more than just a 3 1/2 year old, and with my husbands family.
Then I got married that August.
But shortly after, I met Mike at Toys R Us.
For about 1 year, we were just casual acquaintances. Hanging out at the bar now and then. Gradually, (especially after he and his g/f broke up) we started talking on the phone all the time - really late at night. Sometimes until 3-4 in the morning. We were at this point JUST friends.
He knew Dohhead, he knew Kristine and he was really nice. We talked all the time.
We didn't talk about "his day" or "his work" or "his parents" - we talked about goals and dreams and friends and music and our feelings about friends - it was communication that I NEVER had up to this point. He was funny, smart, nice...different than what I was used to.
I started writing in a journal and would get caught up in fantasy about what it would be like to be with Mike and not with Dohhead (I'm very lucky that Dohhead never read that journal, cause it would have been construed as my having an affair at that point.
Dohhead was selfish. He was self involved and it was obvious that the only reason I was with me was because of Kristine. I was holding him back from things that he had really wanted to do. When he wasn't at work or with his parents, he had taken up Softball. He was going away for tournaments on weekends. I only saw him now when we would swap the car. We didn't have sex at all. He looked at me with disgust and he was always mad and Kristine for something.
We moved again, to a cheaper place and closer to our work locations - I decided to take up softball too so that I could be more involved into the things that Dohhead liked, though he never reciprocated. He started getting more and more verbally abusive. And when he was really angry, he would throw things.
I quit my job at Toys R Us, but I still saw and talked to Mike all the time.
One day, during the 48-hour Slowpitch softball tournament, I decided to go over to a friends house (mutual to Mike and I) for Mike's birthday party. Dohhead was invited but thought he would have more fun hanging out at the diamond so fine) - ppl at the party were DRUNK and were passing out on the couches everywhere, so Mike and I decided to go upstairs and talk and one thing led to another. We kissed. And we kissed. And it was obvious that this going to go somewhere.
We didn't have sex though.
I left that morning and I was NOT regretful and I think I thought I would be. It was as if it were meant to happen.
Several parties where Dohhead decided not to attend, though ALWAYS invited, Mike and I ended up kissing or cuddling or staying up later and anyone else talking and flirting.
Finally - on the weekend of my 1st wedding anniversary, I went with Dohhead to Wetaskiwin (little town north of Calgary) for a ball tourny.
That rat bastard cheated on me in full view of EVERYONE with this trampy little disgusting whore. I was standing right there. They were making out behind a dugout.
What am I to complain about though? Here I was for months doing something very simular with Mike.
I was furious though - and embarrassed. All of our friends knew that he had been doing this all along though. And what's worse: he started this relationship with this chick the year he had left me back in Chilliwack to raise our daughter alone. His parents even knew and were hoping that he would leave me and get together with this girl.
I called my mom and told her what was going on with Dohhead and that I wanted to come home, but he called my mother mom and told her I was crazy because I was a drunk. (I don't drink, so that was a lie) - so my mom told me I was on my own.
When we got home that Sunday, I threw things, he threw things, he hit me, I hit him, the police were called - his parents came over to get Kristine - Dohhead took some belongings AND Kristine and moved into his mom's place.
I was all alone and I did this all to myself. I had no job, no husband and no daughter.
I couldn't make rent.
I did a midnight move. Mike came over and he packed me up and I moved into the basement of his mother.
Within a week I had a part time job as a receptionist. Within a 6 months I had a full time job as an administrative assistant.
I was living with Mike's mom but we were drifting apart - I was going nuts. I lost my mind and I was not the girl that he had met and liked so much.
After 1 year of living there, I moved out with two roommates. I was getting back to normal, but I didn't have Kristine. She was now living with Dohhead his new girlfriend whom she started calling MOM to at Dohhead's request. It was heart breaking.
I was just starting to get back on my feet and get back into good graces with my mom (not to mention that Mike and I were now officially seeing each other) - when suddenly I got a call from my sister that my mom was sick at home and not acting herself. The symptoms sounded worse to me than my sister was aware of and I demanded that she call an ambulance and I would call my brother to get there PDQ.
By the end of that weekend, I was being flown out to see my mom because all of my brothers and sisters felt that it was going to be a "goodbye" party for her.
She started coming out of her coma though - but it was discovered that my mom had severe lung cancer that had metastisized to her brain and her liver.
(tumours the size of your palm) She was given 1 month. That was June of 99'. They relieved the swelling of the tumour on her brain long making her lucid, so it was nice to be with her...but she was still angry at me for whatever Dohhead had convinced her of. It was absolutely heartbreaking that she would never forgive me right up to her death. I did nothing wrong. It was his lies. She died August 11, 1999. It was terrible to watch her waste away and NEVER earn her respect back.
Made worse, the entire family knew and I was disowned of the family when she finally passed away. All because of Dohhead telling her that I was a drunk and abusing Kristine. NEVER happened.
When my mom died, Dohhead's guilt got the better of him and he broke down and was admitted to hospital.
My mom left me some money. Just a small some ($20K) and I put it towards the purchase of a house. Mike moved in.
(we married September 8, 2001) We built a house just before we married, earned some equity and are now onto our 3rd house, 2nd built.
By this time Dohhead now was getting married to Kristine's now infamous, ugly step monster. Kristine was devastated by my mom's death. She was inconsolable. She was depressed and saddened...at only 5 years old, she had lost her parents marriage and her best friend and she was talking about killing herself.
She hated Mike and she hated Step monster. They were the two people keeping her parents from getting back together. She also though that grama trudy would come back, if she had behaved better. She thought that Grama died because of something she had done wrong. Why else did her parents divorce, right?
There have been more trials and tribulations between then and now but the good news is that with time: Kristine and Mike are buds now.
She's 11 and has known mike since she was 4 and have been able to grow as friends. They have similar interests and she's easier to talk to now; now that she has been seeing a child psychologist and dealing with her emotions and feelings.
She does however, hate the step monster. This is why she is moving out of their house. Dohhead and step monster and on the verge of divorce themselves because in the words of step monster: 'That rotton child of Barb's' - which is nonsense: Step monster is physically abusive and verbally abusive towards Kristine in private.
Around friends and family, sweet as pie. Jekyll and Hyde. Dohhead recognizes that now and finally, has put his foot down and decided to take a stand for his first born daughter and protect her. Kristine will be moving in with me and Mike on July 1.
Throughout all of this: mike has been a rock to my schitsophrenia and he has been supportive and he has been my friend. My best friend. I know that he truly loves me and I know that he loves my daughter, as if she were his own; since we are unable to have children now that I've had all those surgeries, he's accepted KRistine as his "daughter".
Some people say that the person you cheat with on your spouse, is NOT the person you will end up with in the end: but I disagree. It's hard to explain why I see that and I guess that I have a biased opinion on the subject, but I know that this isn't something that is going to end up all wrong. I know that Mike and I were destined to be together and that we are going to make this work. Marriage is not a game. It's not expendable.
I cheated on Dohhead with Mike. I left my husband for Mike. I married Mike. Mike married me. It was not a fling it was not a one night stand. It has become a life long committement.
I may have never got to say the things that I needed to say to my mom, or take back the things that I did say to Dohhead but I have no regrets.
If I had not done all the things (good or bad) that I did, I would not be where I am now. I'm in a good place now.
And Kristine will be with me soon too.
I met my "then husband" (furthermore known as Dohhead) when I was still in grade 12. He had already graduated from high school and it was only a couple of months before graduation, so I REFUSE to acknowledge him as my highschool sweetheart. I believe that my highschool sweetheart and I dated when I was in grade 10 and after 10 years of no contact, have found each other again and are great friends via the internet/email: but nothing more.
Anyway: So Dohhead and I were 18 when we started dating. After about 6-8 months of dating, we broke up - though that only lasted a week and it was an obsessive/possessive breakup/reunite. I got pregnant 1 year later and Kristine was born premature in March of 93'. I had JUST turned 20 but really, I was still 17 or 18 in my head.
Regardless, we had no money and so we moved into his parents house. I never got along with his mother because it was obvious that Dohhead was still connected to the uterus - his passiveness towards his parents was nauseating. I fought like hell for him to pay me more attention (and our daughter attention) and less to his parents wants. It was useless from the beginning, but I went through that for years.
I could not take any of that anymore plus I really felt that I would do much better and a single parent (since Dohhead spent more time away from home either working or with his parents out doing stuff for them than he did for me and Kristine) so I moved into my mom's house a month of so.
For some unknown/unspoken reason, I got back with Dohhead and we moved into a little house that we rented in the same hometown as my mom. It was convienient for me so walk down to her house and spend time with her. My daughter was VERY close with her.
After Kristine was about a year old, Dohhead decided that he was going to follow his parents to Calgary where he was promised after only working for them in Calgary for a couple of months, a new "store" would open in Vancouver and he could work at that location. But that never came to fruitition. Instead, I spend a year and 1/2 living with my mom and raising my daughter (with the help of my mother).
Dohhead finally came home after letters upon letters of begging, arguing, pleading and then threatening. It was terrible what I put him through, but moreso, what I put myself through.
We moved out of my mom's house and into anyother apartment and for several months, Dohhead tried to make it work with a different line of work, but it was obvious and apparant that he was helpless without their "support" and I don't mean financial...again, this is all about "cutting the ambilical cord".
I was some how convinced that life would be better if we left Chilliwack BC and move to Calgary AB.
So when my kid was 3 1/2, we uprooted from the life she knew (my mother was her best friend) and we went. Blindly.
We moved into his parent's place for several months. First we lived in their condo, then their house that they bought - moving WITH them, and then getting our own place. A duplex.
Living with Dohhead was unbearable. So I decided to get a part time job. (No, I didn't work the entire up to this point - I was an at home mom)
My job allowed me to work the evenings so that we never had to pay for a babysitter. Dohhead came home with the car at 4PM - I left and worked 5-9 at Toys R Us in Shhipping and Receiving. (Boring)
There, I met several new people so that I was able to chat iwth more than just a 3 1/2 year old, and with my husbands family.
Then I got married that August.
But shortly after, I met Mike at Toys R Us.
For about 1 year, we were just casual acquaintances. Hanging out at the bar now and then. Gradually, (especially after he and his g/f broke up) we started talking on the phone all the time - really late at night. Sometimes until 3-4 in the morning. We were at this point JUST friends.
He knew Dohhead, he knew Kristine and he was really nice. We talked all the time.
We didn't talk about "his day" or "his work" or "his parents" - we talked about goals and dreams and friends and music and our feelings about friends - it was communication that I NEVER had up to this point. He was funny, smart, nice...different than what I was used to.
I started writing in a journal and would get caught up in fantasy about what it would be like to be with Mike and not with Dohhead (I'm very lucky that Dohhead never read that journal, cause it would have been construed as my having an affair at that point.
Dohhead was selfish. He was self involved and it was obvious that the only reason I was with me was because of Kristine. I was holding him back from things that he had really wanted to do. When he wasn't at work or with his parents, he had taken up Softball. He was going away for tournaments on weekends. I only saw him now when we would swap the car. We didn't have sex at all. He looked at me with disgust and he was always mad and Kristine for something.
We moved again, to a cheaper place and closer to our work locations - I decided to take up softball too so that I could be more involved into the things that Dohhead liked, though he never reciprocated. He started getting more and more verbally abusive. And when he was really angry, he would throw things.
I quit my job at Toys R Us, but I still saw and talked to Mike all the time.
One day, during the 48-hour Slowpitch softball tournament, I decided to go over to a friends house (mutual to Mike and I) for Mike's birthday party. Dohhead was invited but thought he would have more fun hanging out at the diamond so fine) - ppl at the party were DRUNK and were passing out on the couches everywhere, so Mike and I decided to go upstairs and talk and one thing led to another. We kissed. And we kissed. And it was obvious that this going to go somewhere.
We didn't have sex though.
I left that morning and I was NOT regretful and I think I thought I would be. It was as if it were meant to happen.
Several parties where Dohhead decided not to attend, though ALWAYS invited, Mike and I ended up kissing or cuddling or staying up later and anyone else talking and flirting.
Finally - on the weekend of my 1st wedding anniversary, I went with Dohhead to Wetaskiwin (little town north of Calgary) for a ball tourny.
That rat bastard cheated on me in full view of EVERYONE with this trampy little disgusting whore. I was standing right there. They were making out behind a dugout.
What am I to complain about though? Here I was for months doing something very simular with Mike.
I was furious though - and embarrassed. All of our friends knew that he had been doing this all along though. And what's worse: he started this relationship with this chick the year he had left me back in Chilliwack to raise our daughter alone. His parents even knew and were hoping that he would leave me and get together with this girl.
I called my mom and told her what was going on with Dohhead and that I wanted to come home, but he called my mother mom and told her I was crazy because I was a drunk. (I don't drink, so that was a lie) - so my mom told me I was on my own.
When we got home that Sunday, I threw things, he threw things, he hit me, I hit him, the police were called - his parents came over to get Kristine - Dohhead took some belongings AND Kristine and moved into his mom's place.
I was all alone and I did this all to myself. I had no job, no husband and no daughter.
I couldn't make rent.
I did a midnight move. Mike came over and he packed me up and I moved into the basement of his mother.
Within a week I had a part time job as a receptionist. Within a 6 months I had a full time job as an administrative assistant.
I was living with Mike's mom but we were drifting apart - I was going nuts. I lost my mind and I was not the girl that he had met and liked so much.
After 1 year of living there, I moved out with two roommates. I was getting back to normal, but I didn't have Kristine. She was now living with Dohhead his new girlfriend whom she started calling MOM to at Dohhead's request. It was heart breaking.
I was just starting to get back on my feet and get back into good graces with my mom (not to mention that Mike and I were now officially seeing each other) - when suddenly I got a call from my sister that my mom was sick at home and not acting herself. The symptoms sounded worse to me than my sister was aware of and I demanded that she call an ambulance and I would call my brother to get there PDQ.
By the end of that weekend, I was being flown out to see my mom because all of my brothers and sisters felt that it was going to be a "goodbye" party for her.
She started coming out of her coma though - but it was discovered that my mom had severe lung cancer that had metastisized to her brain and her liver.
(tumours the size of your palm) She was given 1 month. That was June of 99'. They relieved the swelling of the tumour on her brain long making her lucid, so it was nice to be with her...but she was still angry at me for whatever Dohhead had convinced her of. It was absolutely heartbreaking that she would never forgive me right up to her death. I did nothing wrong. It was his lies. She died August 11, 1999. It was terrible to watch her waste away and NEVER earn her respect back.
Made worse, the entire family knew and I was disowned of the family when she finally passed away. All because of Dohhead telling her that I was a drunk and abusing Kristine. NEVER happened.
When my mom died, Dohhead's guilt got the better of him and he broke down and was admitted to hospital.
My mom left me some money. Just a small some ($20K) and I put it towards the purchase of a house. Mike moved in.
(we married September 8, 2001) We built a house just before we married, earned some equity and are now onto our 3rd house, 2nd built.
By this time Dohhead now was getting married to Kristine's now infamous, ugly step monster. Kristine was devastated by my mom's death. She was inconsolable. She was depressed and saddened...at only 5 years old, she had lost her parents marriage and her best friend and she was talking about killing herself.
She hated Mike and she hated Step monster. They were the two people keeping her parents from getting back together. She also though that grama trudy would come back, if she had behaved better. She thought that Grama died because of something she had done wrong. Why else did her parents divorce, right?
There have been more trials and tribulations between then and now but the good news is that with time: Kristine and Mike are buds now.
She's 11 and has known mike since she was 4 and have been able to grow as friends. They have similar interests and she's easier to talk to now; now that she has been seeing a child psychologist and dealing with her emotions and feelings.
She does however, hate the step monster. This is why she is moving out of their house. Dohhead and step monster and on the verge of divorce themselves because in the words of step monster: 'That rotton child of Barb's' - which is nonsense: Step monster is physically abusive and verbally abusive towards Kristine in private.
Around friends and family, sweet as pie. Jekyll and Hyde. Dohhead recognizes that now and finally, has put his foot down and decided to take a stand for his first born daughter and protect her. Kristine will be moving in with me and Mike on July 1.
Throughout all of this: mike has been a rock to my schitsophrenia and he has been supportive and he has been my friend. My best friend. I know that he truly loves me and I know that he loves my daughter, as if she were his own; since we are unable to have children now that I've had all those surgeries, he's accepted KRistine as his "daughter".
Some people say that the person you cheat with on your spouse, is NOT the person you will end up with in the end: but I disagree. It's hard to explain why I see that and I guess that I have a biased opinion on the subject, but I know that this isn't something that is going to end up all wrong. I know that Mike and I were destined to be together and that we are going to make this work. Marriage is not a game. It's not expendable.
I cheated on Dohhead with Mike. I left my husband for Mike. I married Mike. Mike married me. It was not a fling it was not a one night stand. It has become a life long committement.
I may have never got to say the things that I needed to say to my mom, or take back the things that I did say to Dohhead but I have no regrets.
If I had not done all the things (good or bad) that I did, I would not be where I am now. I'm in a good place now.
And Kristine will be with me soon too.