divorce

[jess]

Ok, it seems like each way I turn here I'm banging my head against walls.
I picked up my divorce papers Monday at the courthouse solely because a lawyer here is going to cost over $2,000.
I'm filling out these papers and I've come to realize that my husband fits every single thing negative on this thing. When it comes to the percentages of who does what with my daughter, it's me 100% and him 0.
Now that may look like I'm trying to be a bitch about it and not want him with her, but it's not the case. I've realized he does absolutely nothing positive with our child whatsoever.
And he'll still get visitation. Over night visitation, four weeks in the summer, weekends, holidays and that just breaks my heart. Not that I don't want her with her father, but it's just a scary thought for me to have her alone with him with no supervision.
Now according to this paper there is a box that I can check that asks if he is abusive (physically) My question is, can I check that box if I've never reported it?
I have an appointment with the lawyer next week, but until then it's driving me crazy. I'm not even 100% sure if I have the right to take her and leave out of state.
Ive called around no one will talk to me about it. The legal aid here won't talk to me because I have not gotten a violence protective order against him, and I have no proof of any past physical abuse.
The family law out here won't tell me much either.
I'm not sure what my rights are on this subject, i'm not sure if I can even check the abuse box because I have no proof.
Now it scares me to death that he will get a good lawyer and take my whole life away. I know that he probably won't get sole custody of my daughter, but I would like to know for sure.
I would also like to get his visitation supervised, not sure if that will happen though.
It's all a big mess, I don't regret my daughter one single bit, I do however regret that I brought her into this mess.
I can't sleep without having dreams of my daughter being taken from me and living here with a mentally abusive father. Not to mention being an alcoholic.
Well, just thought I'd vent. I feel much better now.

[BigBothersom]

Here in Houston, you could just run him over with your Mercedes.

[jess]

hahaha, maybe I should've moved to Houston then.

[Barbie]

http://www.divorcesource.com/

I'm not sure what State you live in, but start browsing here.

At the very least, it might ease your mind a little and it might bring up some very important questions to ask your lawyer. After all, you're paying for their services (probably per hour) - make the most out of the hour.

[jess]

Actually I'm just going for the consiltation right now. It's 75.00 for that. But the secretary said he should be able to answer any of my legal questions.
Thanks for the link.

[MAC]

2 years ago this month I stood in court and finilized my divorce.

my ex and I split on th ebest terms possible because neither of us would have survived a messy divorce. Neither of us could pay child support forever, everythign we owned was fully finianced and worthless. So we made th ebest arrangements possible and split up on good terms because we share a child who will (hopefully) out live us.

Here's the thing.
Men have NO reason to be decent humans come divorce time because the laws and lawyers are designed to F-U-C-K the man. This doesn't excuse them for being assholes, but I can assure it encourage sit more than it disuades it. If he asks his lawyer what to do, his lawyer is going to say "don't trust the bitch" and he'll be right because your lawyer is going to tell you "he'll run away and pay nothing or he'll make your life hell, so we have to file this paperwork and use the laws that are in place."

unless both of you decide to not argue, this will be a battle that they will MAKE you fight

but if you two had that type of relationship you wouldn't get divorced right?

don't count on it.

every stone you two can cast and get rid of BEFORE it's time do the divorce thing will make it easier.

because the simple fact is, if you both die in a car wreck tomorrow....someone will raise your kid and she will grow up anyway.

so don't fuck her life up

[jess]

OK, as far as the not arguing thing, that's just not going to happen. I can be civil in all this, I really can. But he won't. I know I've seen it. He was married once before, he abused his first wife, she left him and left their 2 yr old son. He now has custody of that child because she gave him up. He threatened her that if she took him he would kill her, I have heard this from both her and him. He has also threatened me in this way, but I will NOT give up custody of my daughter.
As far as fucking her life up, I'm trying not to. But I do know that if we stay here in this marriage it will mess up her life. She is constantly put down and made to feel stupid. I do not want her growing up thinking this is the way it should be. I do not want her growing up thinking women are put on this earth to slave for men and they count for nothing more. And that to this day is the attitude she's already starting to get.
I wish I were as lucky as you to have a civil divorce, but it's not quite that simple in my situation. My husband does not want a divorce. He sees nothing at all wrong with the life we live. I on the other hand do not love him, and I can't live like this for me or my daughter's sake anymore.
I do realize the legal stuff is going to be a pain in the ass. I do know that he will fight with all he has, if for no other reason then just to piss me off. Plus he knows if he got custody for some odd reason, I'd not leave.
I know you're not telling me to stay, simply to work out all I can now before the divorce, but the thing is I can't do that. I can't talk to him about it, I have tried many times, and its always the same shit.
The I'll kill you if you take her stuff. So I don't bother talking about it now. Deep down he doesn't even think I'll do it. He has no idea I picked up the papers and he has no idea I will be leaving very soon.
He jokes when I try to talk to him and tell him that I'm serious and this time I won't be back. So talking to him is hopeless. Plus I can't talk to a drunk, and there isn't one day that goes by that he is sober enough to sit down and have a serious convo about divorce and our daughter.

[Koliedrus]

Sounds to me like you're making the best decisions you possibly can under the circumstances.

If he stays toasted, abuses you+children, doesn't take you seriously when you tell him that the marriage is over, you may want to think about getting a restraining order.

But, I'm not qualified to give you that sort of advice. You're doing good by consulting with a lawyer. They're not all money hungry evil vermin. Some of them actually have souls ;)

Life changes after a divorce. They're never pleasant when they're happening. It's more difficult when kids are involved since you'll wind up staying in contact with your partner from here on in some form or fashion.

Staying in an abusive relationship is an easy road that only goes down.

Click here (http://www.thehypertribe.net/forum/search.php?action=showresults&searchid=3151&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending). Hopefully there are things in there that will help.

[Barbie]

Originally posted by jess
Deep down he doesn't even think I'll do it. He has no idea I picked up the papers and he has no idea I will be leaving very soon.
He jokes when I try to talk to him and tell him that I'm serious and this time I won't be back.

Jess, I dont' want to pry too much, but where are you going? Do you have a place to go to?
In no way, shape or form am I trying to talk you out of this. This is your time, and you go...I just want to know that you have support to go to at this time. I want you to be safe and I want you to feel secure. I think we all want that for one of our own.

B.

[jess]

Yes, I do have a place to go. My whole family knows every single detail of my whole situation and are behind me 100%. I have many places to go actually if for some reason one doesn't quite work out. I have family in several states including here. I won't stay with my family here solely because of the fact that my husband will harrass me and my family, and I can't put them through that.
But yes, I have thought all that through. My place to stay is not a major problem at this time, it's all the other legal shit that gets to me.
Thanks for your concern , I appreciate it.

[Barbie]

:) hi Jess!

[jess]

Hey Barbie :D

[Billyman]

You two should just get a room.

[jess]

hmmm, Guess we'll just have to find a Best Western to meet at. :D

[ms. bing]

i don't know what state you live in, but here in texas all a woman has to do is say her husband has abused her. she doesn't have to show marks or bruises. a simple voice mail with him threatening you is enough for a restraining order and supervised visitation. and it doesn't have to be a big threat. just something like: "you know what will happen" or "you don't want to know what i will do". if he's a drinker, that makes it all that much easier.
now is not the time to be civil. you don't need a lawyer with a soul, you need a junk yard dog. you need someone who is really tough on family law and knows every trick in the book to get his ass. because he will get a lawyer, and that lawyer will go after you. i don't know if you have a boyfriend, but it appears so. don't mention that to anyone. don't move in with that person. you want to look like you're running for your life, not into the arms of another man.
there are times in life to be sensitive, logical and empathetic. and there are times when we use every claw we have. this is the time for the latter, and your daughter will thank you for it later. if her father is an alcoholic bastard the way you say he is, she does not need him in her life while she is young. she'll deal with that and make her own decisions when she is older. for now, it is time to protect her.

[jess]

Well, Ive already seen a lawyer and gotten a lot of questions answered. He is suppose to be the best family lawyer around here, and he does fight dirty.
As far as the abuse thing, yeah I'm sure if he has threatened me in voice mail etc. to hold against him then that would be the case here.
But I have nothing at all with his voice, in his writing etc. threatening in any way. He's not that stupid, he knows I'd use it against him.
Now once I'm gone that may be a different story, he may threaten then, I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.
I did talk to my lawyer about that past abuse though, and since it has happened in the past he said to go ahead and we'll mention that in court. Because I can say that I'm in fear of it happening again. But it has little significance in anything else really. I asked about supervised visitation due to my husband's alcoholism etc. , I was told it was all hear say and it would be virtually impossible to get that. Unless I brought in someone to say that he is an alcoholic, excluding my family.
So i'm kinda screwed there I guess.
The abuse won't be a major issue in this divorce, I'm filing on alcoholism and getting her out as soon as possible.

[Koliedrus]

I'm watching a fairly nasty divorce unfold from a distance.

I'd post details for your entertainmen/knowledge but I'd end up on a witness stand.

Some things that I can relate are generalities.

A normally active male developes arthritis. He bears the pain until he comes home and slaps on a prescribed morphine patch. He rests.

His wife see's only that he comes home and passes out. She hooks up with an old boyfriend and moves out. She takes the children (one of which was fathered by said boyfriend and raised from birth by Patch Man)

Patch-Man loves his kids with all his heart an soul. He and they have martial-arts degrees and compete in tournaments.

Well, they did when the family was together.

When the mother moved out and took the kids, the eldest (Bio-son of Boyfriend) began to have chest pains.

Stress related pains were experienced by Patch-Man's sister during their parents' divorce. (edit: ulcers for people under the age of 15 are M O O N. That spells "BAD")

Patch-Man went to pick up his children at Boyfriend's Mother's home.

Instead of ringing the doorbell (he isn't welcome there) he honked the horn of his car.

Waited... honked... waited... repeat...

Eventually, he walked to the pool area of Boyfriend's Mom's House and saw his wife lounging on a pool chair being smooched by Boyfriend.

There's the spark.

More happened but I'm gonna save it for later.

[Koliedrus]

Patch walked away. He went to his vehicle and cried. He looked around and found a knife. And a gun. He thought about turning either on himself. Instead, he took both, walked to Boyfriend's car, punctured all four tires, and screamed, "GET YOU'RE FUCKING ASS OUT HERE! WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO SETTLE!"

Once-Wife said to Boyfriend, "No, don't! He knows how to hurt you!"

Patch-Man threw the gun and knife far aside and opened his arms.

"Come on, motherfucker!"

Boyfriend ducked his head and ran full-force.

Patch-Man is a black belt.

Imagine Patch behind you, holding your head as if to snap your neck. Instead, he falls to the ground and wraps his ankles around yours and arches his back. Blood stops flowing to your brain and you pass out. You wake up later. Still alive.

Patch is going to jail today.

Not before I applauded him.

"Mike, I can now understand how someone would kill out of passion. I'm not proud of what happened but I'm glad I had the balls to do what I did. I can deal with the restraining orders that came from that. I love my kid's and I'm sorry they had to see my love like that. I'll do anything for them. Even if it means going to jail and leaving them alone."

I can't express my feelings about this situation. Not today, anyway.