trying to learn my lesson

[jess]

Well, guess it's about time for me to talk about my situation here at home. I'm 26 and have been married since I was 18. I had just graduated HS and was pressured to go out on my own, get a job etc. I was in a house where I am the oldest of 6 kids. I was ready to get out. I met my husband at a ballgame. This was the end of sept., 96. He proposed the middle of october, and I moved in with him on Halloween. We were married the first of Feb of 97. I think he asked me to move in for all the wrong reasons. he needed a baby sitter for his 2 year old boy that he had custody of. I think on some level we did love each other, but were not really in love with each other.
Anyway, even before we got married it started going to hell. But I'm not a quitter so I figured I could fix things if I tried hard enough. He had just gotten out of the marines and had a major ego problem, not to mention he was and still is an alcoholic. But I figured, ok i'm 18 never been drunk in my life i'll just drink with him every night. Which led to some major fights. He was abusive mentally and physically.
I took off about a year after we were married and stayed with my mother. He called saying we'd move back to WV and we'd both me much happier. So I gave it a shot. Nothing changed, still drinking, still fighting, still abusing.
So when I was 20 I made another not so bright desision. I decided to get pregnant. Had my daughter 9 months later. Now don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade her for the world, but I wish i would've chose her a different father. Things still the same, I left again. This time I went to Ohio and was gone for several days. He promises to get on medication for his depression etc.
He did keep his promise and has not physically abused me in years. But on a daily basis, I am told I am fat, stupid and a bitch. He drinks more now then he ever did. And I do not love him anymore. I hate the thought of him having days off work, and I hate waiting on him hand and foot. I feel like he does not respect me at all.
When I mention that to him, his normal comment is that I'm a woman I don't need respect, or "leave then"
The problem for me though is that for some fucking reason I'm still here. Fear I guess.
Anyway, until recently I had just accepted the fact that this is my life. No Im not particularly happy, but I have food and a house and a car and my daughter has her father. I never really intended on leaving here. I have i guess you'd say "looked" for another companion or whatnot. But never until here recently have I ever been willing to try to give up my life here.
Now here is where my life stands now. Im married to a man that is a total asshole. And no i'm not exagerating, his family would agree 100% with me. And I meet this great guy online. Now i'm not one that falls for guys online, EVER. I use to think that was corny and stupid. But now I find myself thinking of this guy all the time. I have never beleived in soul mates, but if i did beleive this guy would be mine.
Now I'm seriously giving my marriage a second glance. Actually sitting down and thinking about the pros and cons of my marriage. And if any means possible I wish it would work out with us, due to the fact that I have kids. But another part of me doesn't really want him to change now. I know deep down if things change its only temporarily.
So theres my story. Just feels good to talk about it sometimes.

[Escape Artist]

Heh, look.

Sounds like some sort of liberal PC bullshit, but you're a fucking human.

Maybe not a unique and special snowflake or sommat, but a person.

As a person, you have feelings, thoughts, desires, certain rights accorded both legally and morally, responsibilities to yourself and the kid, and above all, you do have choices.

You deserve respect, to be treated well, to never have been abused, to come home and not be insulted, to take care of your daughter without potentially fearing that she'll get exposed to the same treatment you've been...this may be comfortable in some ways, and secure...but it's not right.

I don't really like talking about my own experiences with this subject, and I won't delve into it very deeply - but I've had my fair share of fights, verbal abuse, stopping physical abuse with my own two hands and rage, I've been that alcoholic before, and still occasionally am.

I've given people a fair share of verbal abuse, too. Hell, look at all the genuinely worthwhile people I call fags here. :p

For all the bad shit I've done, though - never like that. I consider it unacceptable. I'd have taken a bat to the guy, jail sentence be damned.

It's one thing to just be a prick...I'm in that category. It's one thing to go ahead and get drunk on the weekend, another thing I can presently get away with due to my lifestyle. It's sometimes okay to just be a blunt asshole, and to state your mind.

It's another can of worms entirely to be intentionally abusive, to be a drunk when you've got responsibilities, to live a relationship based on pretenses and financial stability/gain.

Having grown up in what most people would describe as the ghetto, and seeing a lot of people's inadequacies - this is an abusive relationship. No argument. This is abusive. It's not going to work out for you, nor for your kid...this man will likely never change, and clearly you want something better. Whether a new relationship or simply to get the fuck out so you can rebuild your life, I think you've about had it.

Best of luck. :)

[MAC]

I am far from an expert but let me give you a couple facts based on experience with women who got married right away and had very troubled/abusive families.

#1
When you leave him and get out on your own (and one way or another you will) you will go through a short period of "this fixed everything" followed by "oh crap! I screwed up"
Ignore both of these emotional periods.

#2
He's clearly an ass. But when he's gone you still have to live with you. I would bet a million-billion-jillion dollars that right now you could pick at you're own failings and they'd seem so clear. But once you're on your own (especially when you find someone else) you will be forced to deal with them and the character structure that allows them to persist.
Don't be suprised when your perception of yourself gets worse instead of better. It takes along time to grow a healthy self-image and much pruning is required.

#3 **most important**
Some day your kids won't be kids and you will have to explain everything you ever did. So will you explain why you stayed with someone who treated you badly or why you got with him in the first place? I seriously doubt anyone who gives you advice here or in your daily life will be there in 15 years when your kids seriously wanna know what happened.

In life you don't get held back a grade, the lessons we refuse to learn our kids must repeat.

You know, I NEVER did anything malicious like you are describing your husband doing. But lately I am troubled constantly by line of little hurtful things I did and said to someone I loved. If they bug me so much imagine how she feels.

[Cruise Director]

The online guy may be your psychological way to free yourself. You are not happy in the situation you are in presently, but like all humans, have learned to adapt to it and take an apathetic stance against it.

There are many alarms going off in your post. You would do well to listen to them. You NEED to be happy. Not only for your own sake, but for that of your child.

[jess]

Cruise, normally I would think the same thing about the guy I talk to online. But I do know I genuinely like him a lot. I have been known to meet guys online or in person or whatever. Which is terrible to say, but guess I've always just been looking for the right person since I married the wrong one. So it's not like this is the first guy i've talked to online etc. But it is the first one that has made me consider leaving here. But regardless if I ever end up with this guy or not, I still need to get out of here. Because I know that if I ever want a happy relationship with anyone, I need to make sure I'm not leaving here for him, I'm leaving here for myself. Or it'll never work with anyone I end up with.
My decisions on leaving my husband are not soley based on the other guy. I'm not going to say he has nothing to do with it because he does. But he has helped me realize a lot about my relationship too. And I do realize now that I have to get out of here. It's just a matter of time now and making sure I'm 100% ready to walk out that door and never come back.
So that's where I am at today. I'm not fooling myself into thinking it'll eventually work out because it won't It's just a matter of time and getting some money saved up, maybe some schooling, and get out of here.

[ms. bing]

i left twice. the third time he kicked me out. i stayed gone after that.

since my divorce there has been exactly one time that i have thought i could get married again. when my daughter's father i asked me i laughed at him. when we discussed it again very seriously, almost three years later, we realized we would have been settling for each other because we have a child together. settling is not an option in a marriage.
sounds like you're settling for a great many things right now. settling for being abused, settling for someone who needs a mommy, not a wife. settling for financial stability and the knowledge that subsistance is where it's at.
listen, sweetie, there are many ways in this great society to subsist. that's what all our taxes are paid for.
i don't know if it's fair to say it's kinda like the alcoholic's moment of clarity? one day you'll wake up and it won't be a matter of having money saved, education to rely on, or someone else to run to. it'll be a matter of life. now i put on clothes. now i breathe in. now i walk out the door. now i breathe out. now i've left. no discussion. no running back. no consideration of "your daughter having her father around". that's so important because it sounds like he's such a stand-up guy and great male role model. to be blunt: does he take her out for ice cream before or after he tells you that you're fat and stupid? and what's going to stop him from treating her the same way?
know what's going to stop him? you are. or at least, you are the only thing that can. don't wait. don't maybe. just go. and know that when you lay down with your daughter on the couch at your friend's house or your parent's house or the hotel room you had just enough money to pay for one night in, that at least you are finally laying her down in a safe, sober, loving environment that she deserves.

[Barbie]

1. Re-read what you wrote.

2. Anything you'd like to change?

3. Re-read what MAC wrote.

4. Why do you need a man in your life anyway? I mean, right now that is? Why can't you leave and make it on your own.
Chances are, if you leave, on your own, you'll become more centred and more grounded with time and later...have a better chance of finding the next relationship and make it really work. Or at least contribute without concern.

5. Your daughter deserves to see her mom happy. But if you depend on someone else to make you happy, you're daughter might learn the same thing. And then you might sit back and say, "wow...they really do follow in our footsteps". Children need to learn independance. They need to learn how to survive on their own and not depend on someone else to bring them happiness.
We make our own happiness. If we can't live with ourselves and by ourselves, how can we expect others to?

[Koliedrus]

What are your choices?

Hammer those out in your mind.

Fear about picking up and leaving is universal but there are people here who have done it and can help.

This Lesson is an important one.

[jess]

thanks everyone for your imput. I'm still working on my problems. I appreciate everyones advice, helps me put things in perspective when I hear them from others.