jules
05-03-2004, 11:59 PM
I've been pulling volumes out of the closet that I haven't seen in years.
I've been filing away photos. I've been writing stories. I've been using up roll after roll of film, sheet after sheet of paper.
I've been organizing, disorganizing, remembering and forgetting. I've turned the camera on myself and watched bonds form and scars heal.
Open this past year's book. It's aptly labeled "Sarah." Read the name, see her picture, and smile instead of cry. Turn the page and it's eight years ago. Press play and you're at summer camp and you've just met. Flip. Her picture's on the front page of the paper. Read the article. "Concord Children Missing," it says. Fast-forward. Manuel kills himself in jail. Rewind. The memorial service. You wore a brown shirt with black pants. Mom is saying, "I really don't think anyone will notice or care."
Turn the page. You're meeting Mike. Skip a few pages and you're falling in love under the worst of circumstances. Listen carefully: what he's telling you is important. You're telling him about Sarah. He's telling you about Jessamy. "The pain will go away when you learn what lesson there is to be learned." Believe him. Hug him. Flip. Tears. He's holding you while you cry over him. I wish I could do something, he tells you. If I could, I would. Watch. Listen. Learn. You're getting there. You're healing. You're learning your lesson and trying to live by it. You're hating Manuel. November. "Today is a good day," he says, "because I think I have made a friend." Midnight. Work. Turn the page, and you're at Lord of the Rings. "Those monsters," you think, "are just too damn vivid."
I close the book. I walk away, but not without swearing to come back and visit more often.
I've been filing away photos. I've been writing stories. I've been using up roll after roll of film, sheet after sheet of paper.
I've been organizing, disorganizing, remembering and forgetting. I've turned the camera on myself and watched bonds form and scars heal.
Open this past year's book. It's aptly labeled "Sarah." Read the name, see her picture, and smile instead of cry. Turn the page and it's eight years ago. Press play and you're at summer camp and you've just met. Flip. Her picture's on the front page of the paper. Read the article. "Concord Children Missing," it says. Fast-forward. Manuel kills himself in jail. Rewind. The memorial service. You wore a brown shirt with black pants. Mom is saying, "I really don't think anyone will notice or care."
Turn the page. You're meeting Mike. Skip a few pages and you're falling in love under the worst of circumstances. Listen carefully: what he's telling you is important. You're telling him about Sarah. He's telling you about Jessamy. "The pain will go away when you learn what lesson there is to be learned." Believe him. Hug him. Flip. Tears. He's holding you while you cry over him. I wish I could do something, he tells you. If I could, I would. Watch. Listen. Learn. You're getting there. You're healing. You're learning your lesson and trying to live by it. You're hating Manuel. November. "Today is a good day," he says, "because I think I have made a friend." Midnight. Work. Turn the page, and you're at Lord of the Rings. "Those monsters," you think, "are just too damn vivid."
I close the book. I walk away, but not without swearing to come back and visit more often.