todays topics: depression, driving, belief, hate and love

[mute]

i fucking hate driving, makes every task go by quicker.. i like walking where i need to go, or bumming another drive http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif... i wish i could just work nearby my home, so i could walk/bike to work... money sucks
gas out here might go up to a dollar in the summer.. in 5 years there's gonna be fuck all cars on the road.. or, they might accelerate on those new hydrogen cars, but they'll be nice and expensive...


i've been depressed for the last 4 years... it all started in grade 9 when i started worrying about my "social life", and how "cool" i was... i've always felt like sort of a dork.. and really, i am.. i don't care though, but i do at the same time also... it's just paranoia, and guess whut i started smoking too in grade 9? weed ? yep.. i also drank my first time in grade 9... all my friends started 2 years before me...

well i've been in this depressed mode all through high school.. i hid it. i needed to keep up there... i kept on trying to be "happy", but it gets to me... i just don't believe in myself...

this is a total ramble...

like some of you might know already, i've been in love with this girl for 4 years now...
i remember in grade 7 noticing her, and jeesh she knocked me on my ass... i never talked to her i was too afraid... but in grade 9 finally it just happened, and we became friends... well that friendship is no longer, i never ever called her (too afraid again) .. and last year, i confessed it it to her(and it didn't go too well either, how i said it and all).. scared her i think.. i don't know..
and i just wait, wait everyday of my life..hoping she'll call, or we'll meet in the store, or she'll drive by and wave to me... i'm afraid to call her, cause maybe she doesn't want to know me, maybe she does.. I DON'T KNOW.. everytime i see her and talk to her, i can;t stop thinking about that moment, did i say the right thing? did i seem like an idiot... PURE INSANITY
i try to believe one day maybe something will happen... but reality sets in and makes everything suck... every time i see her and actually "talk" to her, she doesn;t seem happy, and it breaks me down to see that..
it's not like i dream of having sex with her, i don;t really, i try not to for some reason... i dream of talking to her, hearing her voice, seeing her smile at me, and just holding her in my arms... i'm a loser at this one, and there's nothing i can do until i... i really don't know, PURE INSANITY

"one will only believe in you, when you believe in yourself"

i'm starting to finally contemplate this believing thing... maybe if i just believe in myself, things will go right... do what i want, be friends with who i want...
believe in my dreams, and work on them, and maybe they will happen.. my dreams aren't just of love, and becoming a hero.. they're also of becoming something dark, but this topic will come later when i'm in a better mode to write better... i'm just typing away here not thinking of what im writing, a true ramble... i've never seeked help, "medical help" is for weaker ones..


and yet, it's hard to believe, i stil go on

silence is good...

------------------
............

[disturbed]

gas only a dollar? my advise would be to keep your options open, if you just have your sights set on one girl, you could pass up other thats may have their sights on you, but are too shy to tell you about it. good things happen when you lease expect it

------------------
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
<IMG SRC="http://www.disturbedmonkey.net/sig.jpg" border=0>

[PB]

You said you are afraid to call her / have you ever thought that maybe she is afraid to call you for similar reasons. My best advice here is that you won't know until you actually do it. As for the depression aspect.. find someone you don't know that is willing to listen and let loose... i'll listen, and would be willing to bet most everyone else here would as well. I have experience with depression, more than i would like , and i too once thought that medical help is for the weak! IT isn't for the weak, it is a matter of personal choice. It took a mental breakdown and a trip to the Emergency room with a dr. thinking i was having a stroke to make me realize it wasn't going to "just go away" and that it wasn't something that i could "just deal with" atleast not on my own. It is a long road to travel, but a destination well worth making the trip!

------------------
Why do we love the one that hurts us? And hurt the one that loves us?

[Koliedrus]

Nnnnnnah. It couldn't be. For a minute there I thought Mute might be a version of myself writing a letter to the "me" in the future. It all sounds too familiar (aside from the Canada thing).

This really brings back some memories.

*struggles internally* Must not borrow hat now...

Instead of pointing out similarities between your experiences and mine, I think I'll begin a couple of topics and let you do the math. Give me some time. Two come immediately to mind.

I'm juggling my balls, er... you know. Irons and fire. That sorta thing.

------------------
Subdivided.

[mute]

did i forget to mention, she has a boyfriend and they're in love
they've been going out for like 5 years now.. she's been always goin out with him ever since i started feeling this way bout her

end transmision

------------------
............

[The Rapist]

Just a quick comment. Your "rambling" in your earlier post may be more harmful than helpful. Rambling in thought, written word or speech is just another way of showing how your "life" may be disorganized. Pick up a good copy of "Choice Theory" by William Glasser MD, and seek out a qualified person who can help you use this book.
Oh, also give up the chemicals. All they do is "dis-organize" your brain chemistry, thought, neural pathways etc.

[Dog Breath]

Since she is attached she is out of reach. That might be why you obsess over her, simply because you can't have her.

Stalking might be in your future.

Focus on other things. I am 38 years old and have run the gamut with women. When I was your age I was obsessed with beauty and what others thought of me. I wouldn't date an unattractive girl mostly because I thought others would think I was a loser. I had a crush on a beautiful girl (actually several) in junior high and high school. I dated a few but not one of them gave me what I wanted.
I found out choosing a woman with flaws on the outside was much more livable than one with flaws on the inside. Try dating smart girls whom aren't as popular. Dating plain women with something going for them is not setting your sights lower. If you want to be happy leave the crushes alone and find someone of substance. Find a girl whom can kick your ass on Quake or one that loves animals as much as you etc... Start a friendship and see if it develops into something. Love easily gained is easily lost.

------------------
Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
<IMG SRC="http://sites.netscape.net/mydogbreath/dogbre2.gif" border=0>

[PB]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Dog Breath:
If you want to be happy leave the crushes alone and find someone of substance. Find a girl whom can kick your ass on Quake or one that loves animals as much as you etc... Start a friendship and see if it develops into something. Love easily gained is easily lost.

[/quote]
*CLAPPING HANDS*

<FONT size="6">Very Well Said DB! </FONT s>
<FONT COLOR="Yellow">very well indeed! </FONT c>

------------------
Why do we love the one that hurts us? And hurt the one that loves us?

[mute]

not to be a complete asshole here DB, but you base you're solutions on things you don't even know...
my crush was based on beauty at first, but i grew to know her and fell in love with her... she's not miss "popularity"(though others say she's HOT).. she didn't hang with the pretty girls.. she actually smokes a lot of weed.. i just like her personality.. one of those girls i could sit down and talk to forever.. she's kinda dumb too, and i like it.. it makes me smile...
she's real pretty...by the way i've also liked girls that weren't "all that"...

or maybe i'm just making myself believe this.. this is why i go insane because i ask myself this, but the feelings still won't go away...

i would agree i'm obsessed...

and trust me, stalking isn't in the picture, and never will be... trsut me on this one please... all i do is wait, and hope luck runs my way...

it's kinda funny, i've made-up a fantasy thing that relates to this... lust... my feelings could be lust, though i think when i say lust, i mean sex.. all i wants sex sex sex, but i don't... but when i say lust, i mean a surge of energy, like "blood lust".. or "love lust"(i don't use that phrase, just helping you understand)...

"when i think about her, then come to realize it probably won't happen... this surge of evergy rushes over me, and i feel as if i could fight no matter what the consequences are, being pain or fatigue.."
(i'm still working on it)

------------------
............

[Dog Breath]

To simplify speech we talk in absolutes. There are no absolutes in human interaction. All people have duality with good features and bad. I did not say she had no good qualities but she is not available. She is not yours. You need to break it off. Even if she leaves this person she is with she is not likely to gravitate to you because you are too possessive toward her.
The energy you are expending on her is keeping you from living your life. Your expectations are far too high. The stalking reference was a joke but it was meant to point out your obsessive behavior. This obsession will bring you NOTHING but pain. The sooner you see that the better.
I believe you when you say you have been attracted to less popular girls, we all are. What you are doing is not being open to opportunity. There are plenty of girls out there whom are sitting alone on Friday nights whom would love to step out with you. Do yourself, the girl you are obsessing over, and some sweet wall flower a favor and get off your ass feeling forlorn and alone and ask someone out for a slice of pizza and a flick.
The reason I am pushing you so hard is, I like you and I look back and if I had it all to do over that is what I would do. When I finally settled down and gave up the crushes I found the love of my life. I could do no better.
Something to look at is nice from a distance but on Tuesday night you just want someone to cuddle with and share your day who will have some interesting things to relate back to you.

------------------
Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
<IMG SRC="http://sites.netscape.net/mydogbreath/dogbre2.gif" border=0>

[mute]

you make perfect sense right now, by i'm afraid there's a chance it won't go through...
hey i'm sure it will happen one day, and i am real thankful you pointed it out in so good.. please note there is now (sarcastic) brackets http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

would it be good to say to myself, "there are better things to do than find her..."

if i let this go, i'm not seeking the other, but seeking myself. finding something larger than what i think of as love...

i'm talking to grand here... why not leave it as "i'll start trying to let go..." http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

thanks for the advice friend

------------------
............

[Dog Breath]

You are very welcome.

Happiness awaits you. Don't forget to grab the brass ring, it comes by every so often all you have to do is reach out.

When you meet someone it will be painful to accept their love because it will mean letting go of the strings you have attached to this other woman. It gets better believe me. When you finally let go and trust you will find a peace and happiness that you did not expect.
The good news is the pain you have been living with will make the release all that much sweeter. Your tunnel just got a light at the end. It isn't far now.

------------------
Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
<IMG SRC="http://sites.netscape.net/mydogbreath/dogbre2.gif" border=0>

[MAC]

Ummmm....

So much for the rambling aspect.

Yup.
Its all about the girl.

Have no fear Mute.

You see, your love has to be returned to work.
I had and endless string of beautiful girls I really liked who never knew I existed.
Then one day, just minding my own business, the right one walked in.
I had to chase her, charm her, marry her, and impregnate her off course.

Other than that DB summed it up pretty good.

------------------
Don't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.

<IMG SRC="http://www.tyler.net/roguewarrior/images/macsnake.jpg" border=0>

[mute]

it all makes sense.. i said the other day,

"why not let her go and become a different person.. become something better than you are right now.. and down the road, if you meet her again, she'll notice what she missed.."

------------------
............