sympathy

[mute]

I want to declare one thing here. Something that I may have said before, so it may sound reduntant. If you have ever thought I have been looking for sympathy, I haven't. Why would I need sympathy? Sympathy for what? Has there ever been anything in my life that has deserved sympathy? Even as cold as it may sound, even when I have been to my gran- father's funeral, I have never had anything happen to me in my life-time yet that has deserved sympathy.

I just started reading a book today called 'The Damage Done'. If you have ever read this book, then I believe you could have a better understanding of what I am going to try and talk about. For those who have, or never have, heard about the book: it is a good read. It's not for the faint-hearted because it is a true story. It is a story told by Warren Fellows, an Australian man who was caught trafficking heroine, with an accomplice named Paul, and were sent to life in Thailand prison. I've read 100 pages so far today and it is one of the most horrifying stories I have ever heard. I say true because I've had 2 of my friends tell me it's a stupid story told by a stupid guy. "Hey, who wants to read about a fuck up who got caught trafficking heroine." I believe what the guy says, because in the beginning of the book he tells about the most horrifying thing he has ever seen, and then goes on for sometime explaining why he doesn't deserve sympathy. The rest is his story.

You may, or may not, want to read on believing this is a story like his. About how rough his life is when in fact you won't look past the fact that he is telling you this in the first place. But I've already declared even before reading this book that I don't deserve any sympathy at all. Cam, a friend I've met out here, made me believe I don't deserve any sympathy. My brother was telling about the time he recieved an e-mail from Cam to his friends. It was how he was in Las Vegas, with 30$ to his name, nothing in his apartment, bills were coming up soon and he had no job. The thing my brother pointed out is that Cam wasn't looking for sympathy. My brother knew as he was typing that e-mail he was laughing to himself, and that Cam wasn't actually looking for any sympathy at all. You see, Cameron isn't a depressed person like me, my brother and our friends are. He is always happy. So if you still don't believe me then just fuck off.

Thailand is a wonderful place. Or should I say was, and could have been, a wonderful place. I give it a maximum of 50 years before this already wasted paradise is nothing but a pile of garbage. The beaches will be dirty. No longer will just the lakes and rivers be dirty, but the ocean surrounding it too. Which means no swimming at all. I already smell a lingering stench of industrial waste everywheres. The Thai people are amazing people I must admit. Smile, respect them, and a great percentage of them will smile back and say 'Hello'. But, as good people there are, there's always something opposite of that. Fuck with them, and they will make you pay. Has Thailand ever been attacked?

It's really depressing being here, so far and sort-of. Reasons are most of the people I will meet and come to know all want to get fucked up in one way or another. What was the fucking point of leaving home? To get fucked up and get stupid in another part of the world? I could just go to Whistler, Vancouver, to do that, and have a better time even. I still haven't travelled, I've been in the same place since I got here. I've learnt a shit load of stuff, and still am. But if this trip is the trip of a 'life-time' please shoot me because this is a place where the only direction it's headed is down. Wait a minute, I bet there's atleast 5 other countries over here that are headed down-hill. And that's 5 minimum. Do I want to go home? No. Do I want any of you to say anything? No.

Before I started reading this book, I got halfway through the book '1984'. I liked it at first, but it got to the point where it was predictable to me. I've already heard, read, watched stories like this one. Shitty thing is, this book was where many ideas for the stories I've heard came from. The thing is, it seems so inevitable that the world is headed in a direction that doesn't look promising, even in paradise.

Use your own description for the word 'promising'. Do I want to continue a discussion? Maybe, only if it's not about me.

[The one thing I don't agree with after reading this is when I said, "But if this trip is the trip of a 'life-time' please shoot me because this is a place where the only direction it's headed is down." It is a trip of a 'life-time', but I have no other way of saying it. The fact still remains this place is headed down hill. It's luck will run out like mine will too some day.]

[mute]

I've wanted to make films since I can last remember. Over the past 5 years of my life I've wanted to make a fim that will make a difference. People will watch my film and look at the world in a diiferent way. It is possible I know, but not the way that I sought. I wanted to make a difference in everyone's life.

One thing I've realized now is that Hollywood led me to believe this. It wants to make everyone feel like that. Even now, music is the same way, I remember when I played the guitar I wanted to be a lead guitarist and be sensational throughout the whole world. Like I said, I was probably led to believe this.

My favorite quotes come not only from great great scientists, philosophers and world leaders. But from films too. One quote that sums up the question of life itself, to me, is, "No fate but what we make."

Do you know where I got that from? Terminator 2. Some might say it's the most ridiculous movie ever, some will say it's a great film. No matter what kind of stupid sequels spawn from this movie because Hollywood wants more money, I will still use that quote for the rest of my life.

[ms. bing]

huh?
ummmm...
*scratches head and gets a cigarette*
there seems to be something in post #1 that I would like to address, but damned if i can put it together right now.
post #2, however, is something i can reply to intelligently.
kevin smith (the Jay and Silent Bob movies) once wrote something like: "if you want to make visually stunning films, stay in film school".
the trick to the whole film thing is this: if you want to make a film and say something, write it and make it. buy a mac with the appropriate software and a good digicamcorder and round up your friends. it's loads of fun and you can learn a great deal over the course of the year or more it will take you.
if you want to make films, go to film school, become someone's intern, work for free for three years, meet everyone you can, shake every hand and walk every dog and eventually someone may listen to you for 30 minutes and give you a chance. you may make some money and 10 to 20 years down the road you may be accepting one of those little golden guys and making a speech in which you thank your parents and the academy.
or you could make lotr, loads of money and have little else but your name mentioned repeatedly on internet forums and "good morning america".
the point is this. if you have something to say, say it. does it really matter where it goes after you have it said? i once wrote a screenplay heralded as "brilliant", "promising" and "really, really good".
it currently spent the last year in a file cabinet holding up a venomous reptile. the thing is, i said it and i felt immensly better when it was out of my system. the only reason anybody even read it was because i needed to turn something in for a class. prior to that it had spent 6 or 8 months in a notebook i sometimes used to roll joints on.
if you have something to say, say it. if you need to show yourself, or "visualize" it, do so. don't expect to burn up the world with your statement. lots of people have lots of things to say.
the trick is, and i say the trick because there is a bit of magic involved, is figuring out what it is that's eating up your brain in the first place. and that, my dear, is what separates the some from the, well, others.

[Barbie]

Why would people suspect that you are seeking sympathy?
Do you give people reason for that?

[MuffyTheVampyreLayer]

I'd say that telling ppl your leg was amputated was a good reason for others to suspect you wanted sympathy - or at least attention. /me shrugs.

[mute]

Argh.

Alright, clearing things up here:

Barbie, I've just been told in the past that I seek sympathy, and I never intend looking for sympathy or pity. Just like Muffy said I was, when really the reasons for me stating false information like losing my leg were not really to look for sympathy. The actual motive was to freak people out. But I've been told because I did that I need to seek therapy of some kind because only crazy people do things like that, and maybe that deep down imbedded in my mind I was seeking out sympathy.

But moving on. Bing, a while back I believed I could make a film, or films, that everybody would like. A movie that would change people's views on things. When, in reality, I could never do such a thing. Sure there still is a shot for me in the business, I'm not giving up on that simple dream. But, there is most likely no possible way for me to do what I really intended when I was younger. Those silly kids, eh?

[Barbie]

Originally posted by bad-moj0
Argh.

Alright, clearing things up here:

Barbie, I've just been told in the past that I seek sympathy, and I never intend looking for sympathy or pity. Just like Muffy said I was, when really the reasons for me stating false information like losing my leg were not really to look for sympathy. The actual motive was to freak people out. But I've been told because I did that I need to seek therapy of some kind because only crazy people do things like that, and maybe that deep down imbedded in my mind I was seeking out sympathy.


Both seeking to freak out and sympathy are forms of negative attention, so do you agree that you are an attention getter?

Who isn't though, right?