Rabble Rouser
11-28-2003, 03:07 AM
Man, it's been forever and a day since I've been here. I'm glad to see the same people I have seen from the beginning. I've missed you all, and I hope you're all doing well.
I know what you're thinking..."what on earth prompted her to come back after such a long absence?"
Truthfully, I'm not sure what did. All I know is that I'm here.
I fell into a very retrospective mood last night, and I've been thinking for hours about what my life has been for the past few years. When I was 18, I had the best year of my life. A year later, everything started going downhill, and has continued to do so.
So what happened? I used to believe that it was just that I moved out of the city, but recently, I've acknowledged that that's only part of it.
I got sick. I still have trouble accepting this, because I'm not sick in the usual sense.
I have always been a pretty depressed person, but I never really let it interfere with my life too much. Being with friends would alleviate it. But not anymore. Why? Because I've abandoned everyone. Just like I abandoned this forum (and every other one I used to post at).
I still don't know why I did this. True, I live a very hectic lifestyle with little free time, but I know there's more to it than that. Maybe because I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I am now? That once they found out the real me, they would be terrified of me? After all, what kind of person is afraid to sleep many a night because there are people waiting outside her window plotting to kill her? She hears their discussions, and sits paralyzed...waiting for the window to shatter. Or who is constantly rubbing/scratching at herself to get the damn bugs off? Or who takes life-threatening risks, putting others at risk, while she's driving because she thinks she's impervious to harm? Or because she saw the angel again? Or who just suddenly starts freaking out in the middle of a store, feeling like she is having a heart attack, but having to convince her friend that she's really okay and to, please, not call any attention to it? Because it's happened more times than she cares to remember? But it doesn't alleviate the terror she feels each time. Or the fear that it could happen again...anywhere, at any time. For no reason.
The stigma of mental illness in this country (hell, this world) has taken so much from me. It's eroded my trust in people, my confidence, and my general disposition in life. I expect the worst from people, and feel like I have to hide my true self from them or I'll be put away. Hell, my own family doesn't know about this. I tried to tell them, but was accused of drug abuse (I never touch that stuff). I tried again several years later, and was threatened with institutionalization. I guess it's why I talk about it so much online...it's the only place I can go and not be threatened. My refuge.
But at the same time, this stigma has given me a purpose. Maybe it's my delusional mind speaking, as I am only one person, but I want to erase it. It's given me the determination to take back everything that was taken from me. I still can't talk to anyone I know in real life about this, but I'm working on it. The internet has been an invaluble tool for me in this respect. Over the past few months, I've become comfortable talking about this, and I have not been shunned by the people who respected me prior. I want people to know that we could be anyone. You never know. It might be you some day.
But most importantly, I want people to remember that we're still people. Just as "normal" as everyone else. Everyone has abnormalities...ours are just a bit more pronounced. That's why I just can't think of myself as sick. I've never liked the term "mental illness." I'm not deficient. I'm not weak. I'm not helpless. I should be graduating college over the summer (the first person in my family tree to do so), and I've held a job for nine years. And I've done it on my own. Although I'm not sure if my patience is in accordance with my desires, I want to be a counselor. I want them to know that they are not defined by their illness. They can do anything a "normal" person can do. Granted, it will be harder for them, as it was and is with me, but it can be done.
I can do this. We can do this.
I know what you're thinking..."what on earth prompted her to come back after such a long absence?"
Truthfully, I'm not sure what did. All I know is that I'm here.
I fell into a very retrospective mood last night, and I've been thinking for hours about what my life has been for the past few years. When I was 18, I had the best year of my life. A year later, everything started going downhill, and has continued to do so.
So what happened? I used to believe that it was just that I moved out of the city, but recently, I've acknowledged that that's only part of it.
I got sick. I still have trouble accepting this, because I'm not sick in the usual sense.
I have always been a pretty depressed person, but I never really let it interfere with my life too much. Being with friends would alleviate it. But not anymore. Why? Because I've abandoned everyone. Just like I abandoned this forum (and every other one I used to post at).
I still don't know why I did this. True, I live a very hectic lifestyle with little free time, but I know there's more to it than that. Maybe because I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I am now? That once they found out the real me, they would be terrified of me? After all, what kind of person is afraid to sleep many a night because there are people waiting outside her window plotting to kill her? She hears their discussions, and sits paralyzed...waiting for the window to shatter. Or who is constantly rubbing/scratching at herself to get the damn bugs off? Or who takes life-threatening risks, putting others at risk, while she's driving because she thinks she's impervious to harm? Or because she saw the angel again? Or who just suddenly starts freaking out in the middle of a store, feeling like she is having a heart attack, but having to convince her friend that she's really okay and to, please, not call any attention to it? Because it's happened more times than she cares to remember? But it doesn't alleviate the terror she feels each time. Or the fear that it could happen again...anywhere, at any time. For no reason.
The stigma of mental illness in this country (hell, this world) has taken so much from me. It's eroded my trust in people, my confidence, and my general disposition in life. I expect the worst from people, and feel like I have to hide my true self from them or I'll be put away. Hell, my own family doesn't know about this. I tried to tell them, but was accused of drug abuse (I never touch that stuff). I tried again several years later, and was threatened with institutionalization. I guess it's why I talk about it so much online...it's the only place I can go and not be threatened. My refuge.
But at the same time, this stigma has given me a purpose. Maybe it's my delusional mind speaking, as I am only one person, but I want to erase it. It's given me the determination to take back everything that was taken from me. I still can't talk to anyone I know in real life about this, but I'm working on it. The internet has been an invaluble tool for me in this respect. Over the past few months, I've become comfortable talking about this, and I have not been shunned by the people who respected me prior. I want people to know that we could be anyone. You never know. It might be you some day.
But most importantly, I want people to remember that we're still people. Just as "normal" as everyone else. Everyone has abnormalities...ours are just a bit more pronounced. That's why I just can't think of myself as sick. I've never liked the term "mental illness." I'm not deficient. I'm not weak. I'm not helpless. I should be graduating college over the summer (the first person in my family tree to do so), and I've held a job for nine years. And I've done it on my own. Although I'm not sure if my patience is in accordance with my desires, I want to be a counselor. I want them to know that they are not defined by their illness. They can do anything a "normal" person can do. Granted, it will be harder for them, as it was and is with me, but it can be done.
I can do this. We can do this.