Help me make an important decision.

[jules]

The shit has hit the fan once again. After several months of peace, mom and her boyfriend are "splitting," again (for the millionth time) and I'm being moved back into a small one-bedroom apartment with two/three other people where I can't breathe without stepping on someone's toes and have virtually no privacy. I tried to reason with my mom and she told me that I was being selfish (heh) and if I didn't like it, to move in with my dad.

I just think I might.

Living with him has its disadvantages but at least it's a stable environment, rather than moving and breaking up and moving and getting back together and moving and moving and...


We'll be staying in the same town, so no change of schools would be required if I stay with Mom. If I move in with Dad, then I'll move back to the district that I've switched to/from twice in the past, where my brother goes. They have there the same engineering program as I'm in here, and I would have darkroom access there (those are the two most important things to me as far as school goes.) I don't have an awful large amount of friends here, which was the main reason why moving upset me last time.

I'm torn. Moving will mess me up but so will remaining here with all this bullshit. I deal with change fairly well but damn, I have my limits.

HELP.

[Mae]

What woud give you the most stability? For me it was moving not with my mother, my father or with friends, it was my own place. I suggest that you go where you will have the best possible environment for you, if that is your father's home- so be it.
I would suggest that you communicate your need for stability to both parties. Parents, I have noticed tend to go nuts when a child moves out, they draw off the wall conclusions. You can help them draw the correct ones with some information on what you need as a minor in their care. Sometimes parents need reminding. What? You think we came with a handbook?

[Hygiliak]

If my guesstimation of your age and circumstance is near correct then i say go with the stability that you have available to you.
You don't need more moves and boyfriends and breakups and make ups you need a constant in your life.
that may mean agreeing to rules that you don't like or accepting certain people that you would normaly not accept but the tradeoff is worth it.
Stability in your life at your age is everything. It allows you to create the life you want for yourself despite others and the past.
The choise is yours but from what you have written you know in your heart that what you have now isn't working.

[rage]

Ultimately, this isn't a choice we will be able to decide for you (though I am betting a smart girl like you already knows this).

Moving in with your dad seems to have the most advantages for you, based upon your post.

I wish you all the best juliana

[SimpleSimon]

Jules, you have been given sound advice. Only you know all of the details and emotional ramifications attendant upon each choice. I do know your age, and I know full well that at this point independence from both parents is not a viable option.

I suggest you talk with both of your parents. If their relationship to each other precludes doing so in a rational fashion with them present in the same room at the same time, then do so seperately.

You most certainly have demonstrated the intelligence and the wisdom to make a choice that is best for you, and I trust that you shall.

Good luck.

[Billyman]

Get you own apartment. You could become a lady of the night to pay your bills. You'll make meeeelions I tell ya! Meeeeeeelions!

Honestly, you've already gotten any of the advice I would have given.

I can only imagine your frustrations. :(

Good luck. :)

[Cruise Director]

I agree with all of them. (Amazing thing about this place, you can follow up some damned good posts.)

[Solstice_Gray]

Jules, I have been in a very similar situation (though it involved three years total of custody battles, over $10,000 in attorney fees, a divorce, near loss of half my family and ten years of not wanting to wake up in the morning). About the only thing I can say is think. Think about how the changes will affect you emotionally, physically (yes physically, i.e., your eating habits, your body, your self care), physiologically (you mental stability), academically and in general how things will change. Consider each of you options carefully and think about how they will affect you and those around you. But be wary of letting others influence you final decision. Listen to what others have to say but don't let them decide for you. Communicating your needs can bend the situation to make it easier for everyone involved.

If noting else, try and let the things that bring you down let you grow.


P.S. Don't, if at all avoidable make some of the mistakes I made. Mostly they consisted of not communicating my needs and taking my frustrations out on myself. I'm still affected by some of those outcomes to this day. I can only kick myself for it. I was too arrogant and embarrassed to tell people I was not doing well, I now regret not sucking it up and telling someone that things were not okay.

[dub]

Personally, I think you should move out on your own.

I was working/going to school/paying tuition/paying rent in my own
place when I was 17 years old, and I wouldnt have had it any other
way.

That way your environment is as stable as YOU make it.

independance rocks, do it up.

[Uberwonder]

Originally posted by juliana
I tried to reason with my mom and she told me that I was being selfish (heh) and if I didn't like it, to move in with my dad.

I just think I might.





HELP.

You and your mom have already answered your question.

[Koliedrus]

(Edit: Just noticed that Uber beat me to the same conclusion while I was picking out thoughts)


In a way, Jules, your mom voted, too.

I tried to reason with my mom and she told me that I was being selfish (heh) and if I didn't like it, to move in with my dad.

You won't be able to keep a rift from forming between you and your mother no matter the choice you're forced to make. Depending on the two of you, it doesn't have to erode to canyon size.

If placed in your shoes, I would make my decision and then speak to each of my parents individually. If they're both in the room with you, they'll dominate the conversation.

One on one. Work with your dad first. Make a verbal (at least) contract with him so that you both know each other's rules and expectations. I'm only assuming that he's somewhat like you and can listen to reason. I've been wrong before and it's true that only you can fully know the circumstances involved.

When you talk to your mom, be sure to let her know that it's your future on the line but you also want her to be part of it.

That is, if you feel that way.

It's already been said but best of luck. We're thinking about you.

[Billyman]

Originally posted by dub
Personally, I think you should move out on your own.

I was working/going to school/paying tuition/paying rent in my own
place when I was 17 years old, and I wouldnt have had it any other
way.

That way your environment is as stable as YOU make it.

independance rocks, do it up.

Your minds in the right place dub but she's 15. Unfortunatly your suggestion is a no-can-do.

Unless she takes my suggestion. :p

[dub]

:D

Originally posted by Billyman


Your minds in the right place dub but she's 15. Unfortunatly your suggestion is a no-can-do.

Unless she takes my suggestion. :p

[Mudflap]

Good luck to you Juliana. Find some peace and find it fast. <3

[MrsKol]

You have been given some good advice, as mentioned before. I'll be thinking of you. Good Luck.

[Deadpool]

You put up two choices so I'll say stay with daddy.
You don;t need to be strung around with for the ride for the sake of mommys emotional rollercoasters.

[jules]

Well, I got home yesterday, began moving my boxes.... only to find out that she had changed her mind and we're staying put.

I've done my research and I can't switch school districts smoothly at this point in the year. I would be way ahead in some classes, way behind in some, and lose some credits for sure. I don't want that to happen.

I think, depending on how the rest of this year goes, I may move for next school year. I was leaning that way to begin with, and it seems like most of you agree.

thanks guys. :)

i'll let you know as stuff happens.

[ms. bing]

i dont know your parents, and i dont know what theyre like, but it sounds like your mom is experiencing personal problems that are making her fairly unstable and unsupportive for you to live with. im glad the situation is resolved for the time being, but how long until next time? i know nothing about your dad, but if he is the better choice for a home, then go with it, even if his rules or personal habits bother but dont overly impede you.
for the most part, ride it out.
unfortunately, thats what a large part of adolescence is, its riding a wave until adulthood when you will be legally and financially (hopefully) capable of directing your own future. i mean, you can take the right classes in school, get good grades, not go to jail, etc. and those are all things that help with your future, yes. but until you are sitting in a postion where you can come and go as you please, and choose to screw up and learn from it, and say " i pay the bills, ill eat what i want and go to bed when i want", your effect on your own future is still pretty much guided by those in authority. if its possible, my advice to you would be ride it out until you graduate or leave highschool. romanticized stories about going to school and working full time and being the only one of your friends who has their own place dont communicate the reality of being the only one of your friends who cant buy the things you want because you have to pay rent. also, teachers tend to be less than understanding when you are falling asleep in class because you work until 2a.m. not to mention the fact that no landlord likes to see a 16 year old coming, and it doesnt matter how hard you work or responsible you are. youre always gonna be 16 to them until the day you arent, and they will expect you to act accordingly (the slightest noise at night and youre screwed.)
anyway, i hope your situation works out well for you, but i just wanted to give you an alternate opinion of moving out on your own, in case that was a real option in your mind for a year or two from now. if your situation at home is even remotely livable and youre not going to be held responsible for those bills anyway, give yourself some time before you take on the large burden of supporting yourself completely. 18 will come along soon enough.