Suicide

[Billyman]

Everyone here has contemplated it. You've all thought about it at some time or another. Apparently you didn't act on it. If you did, you did a piss poor job because you're reading this.

For those of you who didn't act (and I assume no one)......why not? What EXACTLY stopped you?

[SimpleSimon]

When my first marriage cratered, and my life went down the tubes in a VERY major way, i was under a psychiatrist's care for a while. He ran many psych tests on me, and after running three major depression indiices on me, he stated that he believed I should committ myself for observation, as I was suicidal.

I replied, "Suicidal!? Not a chance in the world, doc! I may kill YOU, but I won't kill ME!"

I was serious.

He re-evaluated, decided I was homicidally depressed, bordering on berserker level rage, and cooled his jets.

After Julie's murder my counselor expressed a similar concern - i had the previous doc's files forwarded to him, he did some further testing of rage/depression levels, and told me he really hoped I didn't go postal on people.

I haven't, yet.

[Venus]

Well, I don't think I ever seriously thought about it. From what I can remember I had a pretty good life this whole time. Although, if I ever thought about it, I was stopped by a dream I had. Scared the fuck out of me. One of those dreams you wish you could forget, but here, 7 years later, you vividly remember to the point of being able to describe how the rotting wood smelled. Yeah, that scared any thoughts of it right out of my head.

[Mudflap]

Offing myself rarely occurs to me, even when I'm down about stuff.

It's one thing to be pissed at the world, but quite another to let the world win.

I guess the answer to your question is, my arrogance.

[mute]

Because right now I like life.

[Koliedrus]

I'll give this a shot (pardon).

I had an epiphany at around 5 years old. I was visiting an old-village-turned-tourist-spot in Germany. Mostly what was running through my little head was that people dressed different, the buildings were odd and they made their streets out of rocks.

I initiated the normal 5-year-old's barrage of questions about everything I didn't understand. Mom Kol was only too happy to answer as she could.

At one point, we were on our way out of a place that was part zoo, part fairytale, part history. They had a gator (maybe more but I can't recall) that only had half of it's lower jaw. Mom told me that it represented the dragon that was slain by some hero associated with the village. The trees along the path didn't let in much sunlight. I was more fascinated than spooked but spooked I was.

A sharp turn in the path brought us to a statue of a man fighting a dragon. I froze.

The questions came later. One was, "where was I when that happened?"

"You weren't born yet."

What? Stuff happened before I got here?

Yup. And stuff will continue to happen after I'm gone. Part of that epiphany took a dimensional turn into the future. When I had the barrel in my mouth, that's what I remembered. Not that my pain was so overwhelming that I didn't want to experience it anymore but that my action would devistate the ones I love. Their lives would be forever changed for as long as they took breath.

I couldn't do that to them. Offing myself was a finger's twitch away. Shooting myself... well, my mother would have been the real victim.

And my kids.

And my grandchildren.

History works in two directions. I'm now part of the past AND the future.

In short, Love and Hope made the difference. It also took Strength to keep that finger from twitching.

I fucking WON!

[Escape Artist]

Truth be told, I don't know that I won't someday - but at current I've obligations to people who are still in my life.

[Koliedrus]

Originally posted by Escape Artist
Truth be told, I don't know that I won't someday - but at current I've obligations to people who are still in my life.

Some of the people to whom you have obligations aren't here yet. Looks like we're stuck with you for the duration :)

I'll take it.

[Escape Artist]

Heh...there are times when obligations don't even factor in.

I'll be under the desk rocking back and forth whilst whimpering if anyone needs me. :(

[Asmodeus]

Yer right. I think most everyone has contemplated it. Why I never did it? I have no true idea. I have a few guesses though.

There is still so much more out there I have yet to see, do, experience, learn, unlearn, kill, eat, drink, stomp, climb, scale, fall down from, fall off of, get hit in the head by, you get the idea.

I decided that I had not experienced enough of life or knew enough to make such a rash decision about ending it. I decided that once I had experienced all there is to experience and learn all there is to learn, then I would be intelligent enough, wise enough, and old enough to make that decision if in fact it is/was the best course of action for me. But, until that time, look out world... he I is.

And since I REALLY doubt I can learn everything before I die of some other unatural causes- I don't have to worry about it. :D

[laure311]

i agree that everyone has contemplated suicide before, and i have as well. more so then i would like.

i'll be all down and depressed, and it'll seem like the hugest effort in the world just to go on living, standing there, facing the world, and all that i'll want to do is go back to bed forever, so comfortable and never wake up, never have to face the world again.

i've tried it maybe once, but it wasn't serious enough because i guess when it comes down to it, i realize that if i were to kill myself, imagine the pain my friends and family would endure. i dont even want to put them through that. people can't handle that.

so if it werent for friends and family, the people who love and care about me the most, i know i wouldnt be here writing this today.

tomorrow im going to therapy for the first time because i've been feeling really depressed for a while now. i don't know how we're paying for it, so maybe it means less christmas presents under the tree. and i feel bad about that. but i need help, and i never wanted to get it before because i felt selfish. so i guess this is a good thing, and i hope it works out for the best.

its not like my life sucks, its just my views on life. like, i say that life sucks in general, not necicarrily mine. i find no point in being here and suffering. people say it's all just in your head, u can make yourself happy. believe me, i want to be happy. but i can never make myself happy. it's being around those who love me and those who i love, and love being around, that puts me in a better mood.

wish me luck at the psychiatrists tomorrow...

laura

[zim]

I've made a decision, before I try that again, i'm going to do something rash and change my life. for better or for worse.

like join the military or something.

the reason i didnt during that last round of depression is because i met her. and everything seemed okay from then on.

still does.

[Billyman]

The one's who replied with the thoughts of family was what got me too. That was the stop sign slapping me upside the head. Glad to see you all made it. ;)

Laura, as you probably already know, your condition may not only be phycological but physical as well. Now I don't know all the scientific terms without looking them up but there are chemical imbalances and whatnot that sometimes causes this kind of condition. Push come to shove and worse case scenario, your visit to the "Brain Doc." will help you find out "what's eating you" or you'll get a nice prescription that'll make you feel better.

Either way, good luck. :)

Drugs are good mmkay. :D

[SatansLeftHand]

suicide, yeah. i've thought about it, come up with some fairly creative ways to do it, too. but i won't. to paraphrase simon, i won't kill me, but i might kill you.

[Kayla]

having a boyfriend who loves me.
thats the only thing that stopped me.

[Koliedrus]

Now that we've got a few examples of why you shouldn't, here comes the harder part:

What makes you want to?

Harder because you can't just generalize. Certain aspects of your life build you (or tear you down) to that point. For each person, it's different.

I was born a little more than a year after the Cuban Missile Crisis. The threat of being nuked has always been in the back of my head. It wasn't until puberty mottled my skin and stirred my emotions that fear began to play a personal part. My thoughts were divided between grades, libido and the end of everything.

I let my grades slip when my girlfriend became a higher priority. In a way, I put all my eggs in her basket and trusted her not to break them. When she did, I no longer had my grades to fall back on. The End was the next level down.

My parents found me crying in my room. I tried to explain. They pointed out the hardships they'd faced during WWII and scolded me. I needed their comfort. They gave me examples of how good I had it. Internally, I agreed with them. Externally, I just cried. When I asked them to stop, they got angry and pelted me with a barrage of words that would have drawn blood if made physical.

Days went by. I went through the normal daily routines. My mind was nowhere near the lessons being taught in my classrooms. I watched my grades slip yet again. I couldn't control it.

The rest is already written and I thank you for scrolling up.



Now I'm here. I'm now one of the billions of souls who've thought, "if only I knew then what I know now." It might've helped a little but...

I pulled a 4.0 my first year at Tech. Then I met a girl...

Pay attention to your goal. I know, that's harder than 5 words can make it seem. You're gonna have relationships and they're gonna fuck up your life but it's temporary. Try to remember that above all.

Rotten has a series of pics of a fireman who shot himself while talking to his estranged wife on the phone. Who won from that? He certainly didn't since we can now look at his last action and label him as a loser. Those who survived him also lost because of his very last choice. In a way, he shot his wife. Her life will never be the same.

Pretty goddamned high price to pay for getting the last word in. Loser.

[Escape Artist]

Judge not lest ye be judged...his loss most of all.

'Fraid I can't bring myself to discuss something like this further on a public message board.

[MuffyTheVampyreLayer]

First hand experience of how much it sucks to have a loved one kill themself - I couldn't do that to my Son, or my Gran. If neither of them were in the picture, I really couldn't say.

[laure311]

exactly. without my friends and family i cant say i wouldnt already be dead. there would be nothing to live for.

this is such a depressing topic...

but life is just depressing like that. i see no point, nothing matters. if the human race were to just cease existance i'd be fine w/ that. very very fine.

[sauron]

Originally posted by Koliedrus
Not that my pain was so overwhelming that I didn't want to experience it anymore but that my action would devistate the ones I love. Their lives would be forever changed for as long as they took breath.

I couldn't do that to them.

A number of years ago, now - I'd spent 3 months suffering from insomnia, and general depression... Might have been longer, I don't know - things just kind of muddle together after a while. I lived on the 12th floor of the dorm at the college I went to - and I'd started spending time wondering what would happen, if I'd just jump out that window. Would I survive, or would I not?

This went on for weeks, and it was late evening one night - probably close to, if not after - midnight. I'd met a girl a few weeks earlier, which oddly enough had zero impact on my depression and insomnia. I'd still sleep little (if at all), and spent my evenings staring out the 12th floor study lounge window.

Coincidentally, this particular evening, someone had opened the windows, and kicked out the mosquito screens, so all there was, was this big gaping hole. I'm not entirely sure WHAT I thought that evening, or how long I sat there, but the conclusion that I came to, was similar to that of Koliedrus - if I actually jumped, I would end up inflicting a LOT of pain upon people I cared (to a greater or lesser degree) for. Some of these, like my parents, I cared a great deal for, and it wouldn't be fair to them to receive the phone call from the college authorities.

So I slowly backed out of the study lounge. Then I tried to go visit my best friend (who lived on the other end of campus) - he was busy working out problems with his girlfriend. Then I tried calling the girl I'd just met - she wasn't too happy to be woken up in the middle of the night. Finally, I ended up stopping by at my floor neighbors - they'd snuck in a few cases of beer, and were eagerly devouring it, lest it go bad before the weekend or something.. :)

And then I got drunk, slept for entirely too long, and things started getting better.

I still find it an odd story, everytime I think back on it - but I've been there (more than once) - and yes, I wimped out. I did not succeed in committing suicide.

- d.

[Billyman]

Originally posted by sauron
I still find it an odd story, everytime I think back on it - but I've been there (more than once) - and yes, I wimped out. I did not succeed in committing suicide.- d.

You haven't spoken much since your arrival here and that's ok. I'm happy that you finally decided to open up a little.

Mostly, I'm very pleased that you wimped out but I don't know If I would say you didn't "succeed". Instead I would say that you "overcame" and lived to tell about it. It's good to have you around. ;)

[Koliedrus]

Originally posted by sauron
I still find it an odd story, everytime I think back on it - but I've been there (more than once) - and yes, I wimped out. I did not succeed in committing suicide.

- d.


I'm hoping that you realize that going on with life is not "wimping out". Quite the opposite.

Most suicides happen when a person snaps emotionally. A lot of factors are involved but emotional instability is still the bottom line. That instability is usualy the result of negative circumstances building one upon the other until the proverbial "last straw" breaks one's back. More often than not, though, it's a wish to "flip the channel" without much thought given to the consequences.

There are now several categories of "suicides" in our minds.

The so-called "martyrs", the terminally ill, the mentally ill and the emotionally distraught come readily to mind.

Not knowing the future is a poor excuse. Fucking up a relationship; ditto. Feeling sorry for onesself ranks down there with my own experience. I do not feel sorry for that "me". I'm proud that "he" endured.

When I tell you I have a terminal disease, we'll talk for as long as I allow.


You'll have your emotions and layer upon layer of responsibility from here on out. It began with birth.

You were born to live.

Don't wimp out.

[zim]

Theres a hole in my door from my last massive round of depression.

Breaking things is a heluvalot healthier than breaking yourself.
I seriously couldnt tell you what was going through my mind that I felt an end would be a way out. My mind was way too muddled back then. But I can and have told you what brought me out of it.

I met her.

A relationship may not be something worth ending it over, but it is most definately something worth NOT ending it.

[sauron]

Originally posted by Billyman

Mostly, I'm very pleased that you wimped out but I don't know If I would say you didn't "succeed". Instead I would say that you "overcame" and lived to tell about it.


My apologies - I tend to use sarcasm a fair amount - and the above was my way of saying that yes, I'm glad I did not commit suicide. My life has gone on and been quite good, since this happened, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss a single moment of it.


I sat in church this morning, and for some reason, this post came back to me. Mostly the comments about people who said they'd rather kill someone else, than themselves...

I think I am the exact opposite - not that I'm prone to suicide (anymore - I care too much for those around me), but I think if it came down to a choice between killing myself, and killing someone else - I'd be likely to kill myself.

However, this is drifting somewhat off the original topic (fairly unrelated, maybe - it occurs to me) - so I'll leave that sidenote here...

- d.

[MuffyTheVampyreLayer]

Originally posted by sauron

- d.

ARARARAgggahhhhhhhHHHHHH

/me runs away screaming

;)

[Koliedrus]

/me politely directs Muffy to the Barathrum (http://www.thehypertribe.net/forum/forumdisplay.php?forumid=16) as she runs by.

[MuffyTheVampyreLayer]

I don't believe my eyes - you're not ENCOURAGING me to pick a fight with a newb are you Kol?!?!?!

[sauron]

Originally posted by MuffyTheVampyreLayer
I don't believe my eyes - you're not ENCOURAGING me to pick a fight with a newb are you Kol?!?!?!

http://www.thehypertribe.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6962

- d. :)

[PB]

It has taken a little while for me to decide what and how much of it to put into this thread... excuse my response if it jumbles together a little bit.

I have always been a very calm, very well rounded and put together woman my entire life... atleast until about 5 1/2 years ago. Sometimes it's amazing what buring your best friend will do to you.... from the moment I knew for sure that she was dead, I wanted to die. I wanted the pain within me to cease all together.and I did not want to face the days ahead without her with me. She was my life and my soul and she knew more than anyone other person could ever really know about me. I remember at the funeral wanting to just jump on top of the casket as they put it in the ground. I informed the funeral director that it would take the sherriff to get me off the property before the job was done. I helped bury my own best friend... I helped shovel the dirt, there were guys that I had just graduated with crying as they watched me do something that none of them could possibly imagine having to do. I just remember so badly wanting to just jump in and have them bury me right there with her, where I belonged. The doctor said I was close to starving to death shortly after that.. I didn't eat for like 8 straight days.. to the point i could barely move. they finally shoved food down my throat enough to make myself sick.. in a way i was committing suicide at that point... i was killing myself... just slowly... and honestly in some ways I suceeded.. I think suicide goes deeper than just life sometimes.... part of me was killed then.. it still is dead within me now. about 6 months after her death, and almost 60 pounds lost later... they kept telling me i was sick... i wasn't sick... i was dead inside, yet my body kept living. Finally... my birthday was approaching.. right after christmas which was actually "her" birthday. I had it figured out... I wanted to end the suffering on my birthday.. i wanted it to be over.. i wrote out a letter and instructions on what to do with my body and my belongings and so forth... two days before that date, on my mom's birthday ironically.. I found out I was pregnant with my son. He saved me from myself, There was no doubt that I would have done it...... at that point I didn't care about family, i only cared about making the nightmare stop... my son saved my life.

unfortunately this is not the only attempt...

in January of 2001, almost 4 years to the date... my entire world flipped upside down again from a broken heart.. starting a chain of events that would lead to a massive panic attack. the flood gates of seratonin in my brain opened full force and I sank quickly and very hard. The dr. put me on zoloft, which we later found out I was allergic to.. while on it, i couldn't think straight... even at this point.. the damage was fixed with the relationship and the heart.. but the damage to my brain and my being had only just begun. to the pount when he left me there alone he took the guns with him in the car. It was bad... i didn't understand how I could be happy again in the relationship but my body and brain wouldn't just snap back to normal as quickley as it snapped out of it. I just didn't understand how i could go from studying to be a shrink to needing one in such a short period of time..... after about 2 weeks of pure hell and my body just not dealing with anything well... i put the barrell of a 9 mm into my mouth and pulled the trigger..... the gun jammed... the bullet never came out of the chamber... before typing this... only one other person ever knew that this happened... I told "him" when I got home what I had done... and he cried with me.... walked out the front door, pulled the trigger... bullet came out.. didn't even hesitate.. he said nothing was wrong with the gun, other than the fact it should have never been in my mouth and loaded... from that day forward.. he hid the bullets from me, and kept them somewhere far away from where the gun was kept.. when that happened.. I think I woke up a bit... there was no reason for the gun not to fire yet it didn't. (an no i didn't have the safety on)

after that day, I just had this feeling that I was supposed to be here.. that bullet should have fired... I wasn't chicken to pull the trigger... and I should have been dead... but here i am typing this out.... telling something that I have never told before.

This spring when a similar event took place, and I felt my heart was dead... I remembered that feeling after the gun didn't fire... and I remembered after it was all said and done and thinking about what would have happened had it fired... and the look on my moms face as she was given the news.. or the words being said as they told my son what I had done.... now I know that I can face pretty much anything.... and look at suicide as a permanent answer to a temporary problem...... the reasons I wanted to die in a way are still there, but the reasons I want to live out weigh them at the same time.

Love brought me to the edge both times..... but love brought me back as well...

V

[Mudflap]

PB: respect.