Asmodeus
01-06-2001, 05:50 AM
Note for all potential chili cookoff judges: don't do it! Run away as fast as you can. Don't even think about doing it if you care at all for your tongue and tastebuds.
I should say that I don't like spicy foods, never have. I was kind of talked into doing this. Well, mainly it was because if I became a judge I had all the free beer I wanted. Gee, let me think... I was assured that the chili's I would be tasting wouldn't be all that spicy.
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Me: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Bowled over people on my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of
pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Me: Keep this out of reach of children!
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line, again.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers. Judge number three is beginning to worry me.
Me: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,
I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Me: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. I asked judge number three to be quiet but then Sally showed up.
Me: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Me: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth
and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach. Sally poured three pitchers down my throat before the flames started to die.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: Not a bad chili, good for added flavor to nachos and hotdogs.
Me: The last I remember is being wheeled to an ambulance with Sally pouring beer through the tube I had in my mouth as she was running beside us.
------------------
Good shot...shoot him again.
I should say that I don't like spicy foods, never have. I was kind of talked into doing this. Well, mainly it was because if I became a judge I had all the free beer I wanted. Gee, let me think... I was assured that the chili's I would be tasting wouldn't be all that spicy.
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Me: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Bowled over people on my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of
pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Me: Keep this out of reach of children!
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line, again.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers. Judge number three is beginning to worry me.
Me: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,
I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Me: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. I asked judge number three to be quiet but then Sally showed up.
Me: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Me: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth
and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach. Sally poured three pitchers down my throat before the flames started to die.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: Not a bad chili, good for added flavor to nachos and hotdogs.
Me: The last I remember is being wheeled to an ambulance with Sally pouring beer through the tube I had in my mouth as she was running beside us.
------------------
Good shot...shoot him again.