meaning(less)

[jules]

if you repeat a word enough times it starts to lose its meaning
"book"
why book?
why does this particular string of letters and sounds have to mean what they mean?
why not "sock"?
...
lately that's been the best way to desribe how I'm feeling--
much of the same.
the same string of events
the same feelings and
the same emptiness where feelings should be
like everything's been repeated a few too many times.

yesterday I dropped a stick into a river and watched if float
sometimes it would slow to a stop,
and then hit the rapids again so I'd have to run to keep up
then it went over a waterfall...
everything went downhill really fast and the water was churning around so much
it couldn't break free.
I've watched sticks under waterfalls before
sometimes in the spring I'll come back every day just to see if yesterday's stick is still there
it usually is.

I think that's were I am now
under a waterfall
exhausting myself just to keep my head above water,
while doing and feeling the same things 24-7
day after day
week after week.
it won't be until the water goes down and the current slows that I'll be able to break free of the cycle
and once I do
I'll be so busy worrying about more waterfalls that I won't be able to sit back and enjoy the ride.

the sad part is the rivers only ever flow down, not up.

...meaning?
what has meaning anymore?
why am I doing this?
what am I living for?
my beliefs--
by definition what I believe--
tell me "nothing"
tell me nothing.
"there is no purpose
no meaning
no bigger picture
there's nothing."

sometimes this is all I need
but now this is just what I don't want to hear
especially not from me.
I'm the only thing I feel I can trust
so if I can't believe what I believe,
what CAN I believe?
who can I trust?

"i wish i could believe like you do
in the myth of a merciful god
in the myth of heaven and hell
i hear the voices you hear sometimes
sometimes it gets so much
i feel like letting go
sometimes it gets so goddamn hard
I feel like letting it go
letting it all go"

I need someone I can trust.
someone who will hug me and hold me
and tell me everything's okay even when I know it isn't
(and I'll believe it)
and give me something,
someone,
to believe in.
I don't know what I need but I know it's missing.
am I done yet?
no. I don't know. yes.
yes.

[Asmodeus]

*hugs ya*

You ain't alone in your mistrust of trust and being sceptical of life.

Trust in yourself. That is one of the hardest things for anyone to do. Live life like there is no tomorrow. The only thing or person you have anything to prove to is yourself.

I myself have watched the branch be taken by that current of inevitability and watched it as it went over that waterfall.

I myself have been that branch on more than one occassion.

Stand under that waterfall, let the waters wash you of your inhibitions and doubts.

Just hope that no one else is above you watching their branch go down the waterfall and bean you in the head. :D

Good read...

[Escape Artist]

Repeat anything enough, and it will lose its meaning. If you get all you desire without striving for it, there is always going to be the empty sense that it's completely and utterly worthless. Perhaps it is, in a sense. I found out a while back that the process of doing something is often more worthwhile than the end result.

Lately I've had the habit of getting up early, going downstairs and pouring myself a cup of coffee, then returning to my room.
Sounds pretty mundane at first, doesn't it? In some way, each morning is different. Today, I used the coffee-colored cup and the cat is invading my room as we speak. Perhaps it is laughably dull...but IMO it beats the hell out of the many days where waking up with electricity to make coffee was uncertain.

Which is easier in an emergency situation like being tossed into a fast-moving current...swimming against the current to get to shore, or going with it and just paddling to the side enough to grab on to shore? Sticks remain where they are because they can't move....you remain where you are because you don't realize you can, or how much is even possible. Fuck the waterfall. There's a nice big river to swim down - use it.

You exist, I exist... Whether you live or not is your choice. "Life" is what your beliefs, desires and ambition dictate you do. Existing is easy. Sticks in waterfalls exist. Seems like you want a little more than that.

Trust...it's not always necessary. People use "trust" to make sure that they don't hang themselves with what they divulge. It doesn't matter that much if you're secure with your actions and thoughts. You have to trust in yourself before you can trust others. Even more, you must believe in yourself. Do you believe that how you live is right to whatever it is inside that makes up Jul?

If I were capable, I'd hand you a mirror. Go look in one sometime.

Believe in yourself. Everything else is negotiable, given time and the patience to see your desires through to the end result.

[mute]

"Hi," he says.

"Hey, how are ya?" she asks.

"I'm pretty good," he replies.

"What ya been up to?" she asks.

"Same shit, different day," he replies.

......

Yea ummm, so he says this and he's only 20, he still has atleast 40 years left. Imagine he said that those next 40 years. It's pretty boring I'd say.

He also has the chance of dieing. He might die when he's 23. His family will be sad. His friends would be too, but they'd forget him.

You must go forward, not backwards. Follow the road, don't backtrack. Go downstream, not upstream. Getting stuck under the waterfall sucks.

All these wonderful thoughts he had, and sharing them with someone is so hard. It could make great converstion.

Think she'd remember him?