Healing

[PB]

I am searching for a way to find healing. Healing within myself, and healing within the world that makes no sense to me at this time.

I search for myself through the darkness finding bits of light here and there, finding aspects of myself that I thought were gone.

Does anyone have any suggestions , and books to read, anything that will help me find my way out of this hole in which I find myself.

Any suggestions?

PB

[skalie]

At the risk of not being very helpfull at all.

Papillon by Henri Charriere is an excellent book to read when feeling dejected or down for any reason.

Apart from being an entertaining read, it makes you appreciate all the more whatever little freedoms you have.

[PB]

Originally posted by skalie
At the risk of not being very helpfull at all.

Papillon by Henri Charriere is an excellent book to read when feeling dejected or down for any reason.

Apart from being an entertaining read, it makes you appreciate all the more whatever little freedoms you have.

Thank you Skalie... I will have to check that book out. I don't have much freedom, I'm a single mother.. lol. I will check it out soon and let you know what i think. Thanks for the advice.

PB

[skalie]

Never heard of it? it's a classic, probably available in the local library, was once made into a movie featuring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman.

Story is as such, "wide boy" or "man about town" gets arrested for killing a pimp way back when in the days of the French penal colonies.

He has a shit of a time, but because of his professed innocence he is obsessed with escaping to freedom.

Which he does time and time again.

True story by the way, although I have seen a documentary about him on TV where comrades of him suggest that he may have borrowed a few of his stories from other inmates.

Carrierre's writing style is captivating and absorbing, there was a followup called Banco which waffles a bit.

Read Papillon and you will reaccess your idea of the meaning of the word freedom.

[PB]

we shall see how it goes. Right now I don't think that it could get too much worse.

The man that promised me that I meant so much, has now completely pushed me out of his life. I have half a mine to go to his new girlfriends house, drag his ass outside and make him talk to me... but all that will do is probably get me into alot of trouble.

I must find healing, as this pain will kill me if I do not. :(

I guess it's time to start over in life once again.

PB

[Lady Sianna]

PB...go out and buy a book entitled Cunt by Inga Muscio (if you can't find it in Tyler, let me know and i'll send you a copy.)

it helped me out tremendously after splitting with my ex and being such an emotional wreck. the book is all about reclaiming what it means to be a woman and finding all of those things within ourselves...strength, beauty, truth, hope, love & life. i feel certain that there will be parts that will really speak to and encourage you.

healing yourself is the only way to eventually make sense of your world. best wishes, lovely woman. :)

[PB]

OH I am going to have a blast going in Barnes and Nobles and asking for a copy of CUNT! I think I'll take a camera to catch the person I ask, the look on their face will be priceless.

Thank you Lady S.

PB

[Koliedrus]

You seem to have made it through another day, PB. My sincerest congratulations.

It's difficult to hold back emotion in favor of what's best for your future. Being "right" usually makes people try to prove it to others. Allowing others to spew their minds can either be taken as an attack or an opportunity to gain information that can help to clarify a circumstance.

Calm is good. Find it behind your eyes.

Reread that several times.

[PB]

Originally posted by Koliedrus
You seem to have made it through another day, PB. My sincerest congratulations.

It's difficult to hold back emotion in favor of what's best for your future. Being "right" usually makes people try to prove it to others. Allowing others to spew their minds can either be taken as an attack or an opportunity to gain information that can help to clarify a circumstance.

Calm is good. Find it behind your eyes.

Reread that several times.

Thank you sweetie. Good advice, and yes I have made it through another day, and continuously trying to find ways to improve myself and my life. Last week I had a bit of a set back on the emotional healing. I was told that there was an 8 week old dead fetus within my body that had died due to whatever reasons, but probably stress. I never even knew about it until I knew that it was over. Needless to say this brought out alot of emotions, the emotions of any woman that has been through loosing a child, the questions of why, and the nagging pain of the fact that I was preg. before he left, and wondering if I had remained that way what would have happened next. Naturally I was very upset. But per directions of theMAC, I sat down and made a list, a list of the things that I enjoy, a list of things that make me happy, and a list of the things I want and long for out of life, as well as a list of the things I must do regardless of wanting to do them. I made a very long list of questions about things in my life that I do not have an answer for, and left a space for if I ever find those answers, and finally acknowledged that I may never find those answers. I was an emotional nightmare when the list were done, but at the same time felt a sense of relief. Generally I would not put something so personal out for everyone to read, but you guys are like family to me, and I feel comfortable discussing it now, even though I couldn't when it happened only days ago.

I realize this is a time in my life to change things, to change me, to change the way I do things, but to never loose the love that I carry so much of through out me. I may need help along the way to remind me of this, but I know what needs to be done, and I am daily looking for a way to get there, one day at a time. Thank you all for all the encouragement along the way!

PB

[PB]

Today has been a pretty good day. I still haven't gotten to ask about the book, but I plan to this evening Lady S.

My heart is still heavy today, but spirits are light for now. I am enjoying this day as much as possible. And friday I have taken a day off work, for a me day! That should be nice, especially since I have a massage therapist appointment tomorrow due to a certain gift from a certain set of friends (Siam, RW, theMAC) I lub j00! :)


Oh and Kol, I lub j00 t00! for always being here for me. I cherish the thought of one day shaking your hand. I got the pic from Thomas in the mail, it says to: Val With Love: Kol... It is framed and sitting in my room on my dresser! People get quite the kick out of the drawing. ahhhhh it's nice to have a good day.. hormones aside... it's been a good day.

*Pb puts hands behind her head, puts feet up on desk, and takes a deep breath*

PB

[PB]

just FYI - atleast it's a start :)

I'm proud of myself for this one..

Toot toot!


PB

[Koliedrus]

There is not one single thing in my life that hasn't affected where I find myself now. It's easy for the strictly religious to say that everything has a reason. That's all well and good but when my children are at issue, I need answers as well as faith.

PB, you're on the starting end of something MrsKol and I have experienced twice directly and just recently at a distance.

Healing, as trite as it sounds, takes time. An injury-scab can be picked until it bleeds. Doing so will increase your chances of having a scar.

Today, I'm lancing your wound to release some of the infection.

Be well.

[PB]

Thank you Kol. The wound of something like this will never quite heal. It is something I will never forget and a subject that I will never sit there and stop wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl, or what I would have named it and what it would have looked like. I wonder if he/she would have had the greenest eyes ever since he and I have a set of the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. I wonder what color hair it would have had, and if it woul dhave been straight or curly. I wonder what my son or his son would have thought. ANd I wonder what would have happened between he and I. I will never stop asking myself those questions, but the difference is that now I understand that I will never know the answer, asking over and over won't change that, but I accept the fact the questions remain even if the answer is not a visable one.

My wounds begin to heal, and I know that time will be the only keeper of how big of a scar shall remain. I know that in the past weeks I h ave found so much of myself. I am thankful for that. Somedays I cry, but not out of pain, but out of release. ALot has changed in my life. I have lost the man I love so much, I have lost another baby (making #3) , yet at the same time I have found myself and managed to keep and make many friends. The one I love is still in my life, and I will never stop desiring for him to be there. The baby that is gone is still in my heart, and the questions will always remain the same, and so will the answer. But for all the things gained, lost, and remained... I am most thankful to have found me again! ANd that is truely the beginning of my healing. My heart has not healed yet, my body has begun healing when it first happened.. but so much of my soul has been restored! Thank you Kol. Thank you for caring enough to share that with me!

PB

[estero]

I recently went through (and sorta still am) going through some hard times. Of course, my mother has been my shoulder. She recently gave me a book to help me.. I thoguht I would share some of them with you, PB.

GIve yourself a rest from self criticism. GIve to yourself, so that you can really give to others

Pressure is something that is a choice. You allow it to participate in your life or you don't.

Here's a magical secret we all need to know: People change. No one is stuck who chooses not to be. No one is without infinite potential for a radical turnaround.

If you have attempted to fit whatever mold and failed to do so, you are probably lucky. You may be an exile of some sort, but you have sheltered your soul.

THe truth is that finding ourselves brings more excitement and well-being than anything romance has to offer.

WHen events occur that we don't expect, they increase our faith, strengthen our ability to endure and bring forth our hidden talents, absilities and strengths...Why you? Because you can handle it. Because you really do know what to do.

[Growth is demanding and may seem dangerous, for there is loss as well as gain in growth. Buy why go on living if one has ceased to grow?

Being is sufficient. Being is all. THe cheerful, sunny self you are missing will return, as it always does, but only being will bring it back.

I feel free. Free to live in the moment...WHen pain, betrayal, judgment, or adversity come - I live that too. I can face it straight up and know that it, too, shall pass. Every moment does.

When it looked like the sun wasn't going to shine anymore, GOd put a rainbow in the clouds.



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First Aid for a WOman's soul.

[PB]

I just may have to look that book up.

Thank you for sharing that with me Kaye. *hugs*

I hope both of our hard times will cease soon, keep me posted, let me know what's up. PM me if you want!

PB

[morgana]

<font color="lime">i think you already have a nice selections of books to get you through...how about some music to read by?

tori amos has several songs that have "found" me when i was hiding deep inside myself. for you, i would recommend:

"playboy mommy", a song she wrote about her own miscarriage.

"pandora's aquarium", "honey", "tear in your hand", "silent all these years"...all songs about breakups or bad relationships, and how hard it is to let go sometimes.

it's very soothing to listen to her, because it's comforting to know that what has happened to you happens to other people too, that they've been in that place inside. i hope you feel better soon.</font>

[PB]

Thank you... all of you !

Today is day 6 on the weaning from the Paxil process, so far so good! No withdrawals so far! *I see a well deserved beer in my near future*

I have read a many of things recently, the most theraputic has been the expressions on Siam's face actually. I have read spiritual books, and books about life and finding happiness. I have read about surviving heart break, and techniques that women use during divorce. The secondmost powerful thing has to be music and then the literature that I have read, Music has guided me through alot of this. But I think the thing I have to put a star next to, is I finally found myself again! And found happiness within me. There are things I will never understand about my current situation, but then again there are too many things I will never understand, I am slowly learning to accept that. If you run still on a treadmill, you always see the same window infront of you, take a jog outside, and you will be suprised at all the things that willcatch your eye.

I will keep this updated ont he process of my sef healing and my thankfulness to have people such as you guys that care about little miss PB!

Thank you!

PB

[PB]

Today the healing seems to have come to a very abrupt halt!

Today is day three with absolutely no Paxil in my system.
Which has actually went alot smoother than I had expected.

And even though I have not had a panic attack or anxiety problems which is what the med is for, I can not seem to stop the tears from rolling off my cheeks this morning.

I know I have come so far, but today I feel as though I am spinning my tires in the mud!

Where is my music when I need it. :(

PB