MAC
03-08-2002, 06:08 PM
The sadness I feel and the pain I am experiencing right now are evidence of a problem that goes deeper than the parting of my wife and myself. It is representative of my hubris. A factor, which my dear wife has suffered long enough. I have made her seem the criminal here and that has not been fair. I have expressed my anger and sorrow over and over in an attempt to get it out. But it doesn’t come out because it is fed by a well of fault. She is, in fact, the nearest and dearest person I have ever known and I am certainly glad for all I have shared with her. She is a lady of a caliber not normally found. She is another person who has survived the most horrible circumstances and come out of it dedicated to being a good person anyway. I look forward to all I will share with her through our daughter and a friendship that must now be built from these ashes of a family. Though our lives will certainly take different courses I will maintain her in the highest regard. She has earned something better and I am glad she has found it. Now, I am not apologizing for being mad or upset. But if I should apologize to her for anything it is the fact that she had something very important to teach me that I refused to listen to, let alone learn. In our separation I realized this. In our divorcing I am learning this. She may not realize it but in the end she has given me the very encouragement I was waiting for all this time.
My father taught me a few skills, but nothing very well. He gave me all the physical assistance that he could, but it wasn’t, monetarily, very much. What he gave me was a base for my morality, my philosophy; a reference point in the wide-open empty universe. As the years have passed I find that I sit in a room with him and say nothing to him. I rush to see him in anticipation and am silent. I spend days with him at deer camp and only scratch the surface of what I feel as I am leaving. I wondered why I did this. It is because I was not using what he had given me, not applying what he had taught me. I can see that. Thank you dad.
I am far from whole. I am restricted, by me. I am choked back, by me. I have hidden my passions and never shared them. And when someone finally wanted to share with me, I ignored it. I even went so far as to throw away and hide my passions rather than give any of my hope and attention to them.
Like what, you ask?
Like art and music. If you never draw or play you should at least enjoy. Let them in your life. Look. Listen. Me? I quit. I stopped. I gave up. I planned on doing it later. These two things I showed huge aptitude for and they brought me a sense of fulfillment like nothing else I have ever done. And I just stopped.
Science is my forte. It’s the way my brain is wired. I actually went to junior college for two years and made a point NOT to take any because I was afraid I would like it and then NOT be able to afford a degree. I was afraid it would consume me like everything I love does. This is another facet in my fault. Finally I took one class. I made 102 for the semester and I consumed it like fresh milk. I couldn’t wait to study it for my whole life. Think about it. Everything in the universe has a name and you can know them all. Everything is made of tinier and tinier pieces and once you reach the bottom everything is made of the same pieces in different combinations. Nothing is more complex than its arrangement and its relationships and you can break them down and study them. That is my whole philosophy in a nutshell. It took me a year of hard work to get back to school and another two to finish an associates and I had no way to go to college for a masters without radical change which I was almost…almost about to make when…..I made a baby instead.
Nature is the epitome of science for me. Its proof that everything is linked and since I was 10 years old staring in national geographic nothing else has filled my dreams and made my heart beat so strongly. I should have called it my destiny and ran to meet it.
But I stand on its front yard and look in the window as if I am content.
I can assure you I am NOT content.
Now no one knows what the future holds.
But the near future is quite predictable, if all goes well.
My wife and I will be finalizing our divorce soon. The legality of it will be very simple and mutually beneficial. She and I are forging a new bond of trust so we do not hurt our child. I understand how big the part is I play in that trust. She will be moving in future months. I will be staying here for a while. My daughter will go to her mother once things are settled and I will begin traveling often to see them and finding what these dreams of mine are like when I use them. I will most likely move soon after that to be near them. I have been here my whole life it seems. Yet, deep down, I still don’t feel at home. The place they are going doesn’t seem like home either, but I believe there is a reason life is pushing me in this direction. We shall see.
When I come here I share my heart with a group of people who could throw it back at me at any moment. Yesterday someone DCC’d me and said only “thank you”. I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. Something I wrote helped someone that much. And something they said back helped me that much. I should be able to do that with other aspects of my life. I am generous but I limit what I have to give. I stifle my desires because of the powerful effect they have on me. I hinder my own progress because I had to teach myself this much and I don’t want to take from someone else to make myself better. If I will take what they share with me I can share what I make of it with everyone else. I do that here, my friends. But I hold it down everywhere else. I will never be like some people. I will never really compare to the new man in my wife’s life in that respect. I simply am not that type of person. But I haven’t even tried to be the man I am.
Once again, I owe my dearest immeasurably. She has played her role her as I have played mine and now, in my blindest moment, she opens my eyes and shows me my dreams are still there.
I thank god for having known her as I rush to meet my destiny.
My father taught me a few skills, but nothing very well. He gave me all the physical assistance that he could, but it wasn’t, monetarily, very much. What he gave me was a base for my morality, my philosophy; a reference point in the wide-open empty universe. As the years have passed I find that I sit in a room with him and say nothing to him. I rush to see him in anticipation and am silent. I spend days with him at deer camp and only scratch the surface of what I feel as I am leaving. I wondered why I did this. It is because I was not using what he had given me, not applying what he had taught me. I can see that. Thank you dad.
I am far from whole. I am restricted, by me. I am choked back, by me. I have hidden my passions and never shared them. And when someone finally wanted to share with me, I ignored it. I even went so far as to throw away and hide my passions rather than give any of my hope and attention to them.
Like what, you ask?
Like art and music. If you never draw or play you should at least enjoy. Let them in your life. Look. Listen. Me? I quit. I stopped. I gave up. I planned on doing it later. These two things I showed huge aptitude for and they brought me a sense of fulfillment like nothing else I have ever done. And I just stopped.
Science is my forte. It’s the way my brain is wired. I actually went to junior college for two years and made a point NOT to take any because I was afraid I would like it and then NOT be able to afford a degree. I was afraid it would consume me like everything I love does. This is another facet in my fault. Finally I took one class. I made 102 for the semester and I consumed it like fresh milk. I couldn’t wait to study it for my whole life. Think about it. Everything in the universe has a name and you can know them all. Everything is made of tinier and tinier pieces and once you reach the bottom everything is made of the same pieces in different combinations. Nothing is more complex than its arrangement and its relationships and you can break them down and study them. That is my whole philosophy in a nutshell. It took me a year of hard work to get back to school and another two to finish an associates and I had no way to go to college for a masters without radical change which I was almost…almost about to make when…..I made a baby instead.
Nature is the epitome of science for me. Its proof that everything is linked and since I was 10 years old staring in national geographic nothing else has filled my dreams and made my heart beat so strongly. I should have called it my destiny and ran to meet it.
But I stand on its front yard and look in the window as if I am content.
I can assure you I am NOT content.
Now no one knows what the future holds.
But the near future is quite predictable, if all goes well.
My wife and I will be finalizing our divorce soon. The legality of it will be very simple and mutually beneficial. She and I are forging a new bond of trust so we do not hurt our child. I understand how big the part is I play in that trust. She will be moving in future months. I will be staying here for a while. My daughter will go to her mother once things are settled and I will begin traveling often to see them and finding what these dreams of mine are like when I use them. I will most likely move soon after that to be near them. I have been here my whole life it seems. Yet, deep down, I still don’t feel at home. The place they are going doesn’t seem like home either, but I believe there is a reason life is pushing me in this direction. We shall see.
When I come here I share my heart with a group of people who could throw it back at me at any moment. Yesterday someone DCC’d me and said only “thank you”. I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. Something I wrote helped someone that much. And something they said back helped me that much. I should be able to do that with other aspects of my life. I am generous but I limit what I have to give. I stifle my desires because of the powerful effect they have on me. I hinder my own progress because I had to teach myself this much and I don’t want to take from someone else to make myself better. If I will take what they share with me I can share what I make of it with everyone else. I do that here, my friends. But I hold it down everywhere else. I will never be like some people. I will never really compare to the new man in my wife’s life in that respect. I simply am not that type of person. But I haven’t even tried to be the man I am.
Once again, I owe my dearest immeasurably. She has played her role her as I have played mine and now, in my blindest moment, she opens my eyes and shows me my dreams are still there.
I thank god for having known her as I rush to meet my destiny.