Force me to smile

[Koliedrus]

It's been a while since I've read or seen something worth smiling about. These were attempted but didn't work:

1. Two spuds are standing on a street corner. Which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sign that says "Idaho"


2. What's more traumatizing than seeing your grandmother fight with your grandfather?

Seeing her box.

3. A teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard and asks the class if they can tell her what it is. Little Mudflap raises his hand and says, "That's a penis. My daddy has two of 'em."

The teacher replies, "Two? I think you're confused."

"No really", Muddy responds. "He uses the small one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

See? I didn't laugh either.

Please help!

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Think = Good

<IMG SRC="http://fp.geocities.com/koliedrus/kol.gif" border=0>

[focusedrage]

umm.....MattDecay is a dick.

some people find stating the obvious helps.
heh heh heh

<embed src="http://www.tyler.net/llundberg/signature.swf" height="75" width="500">

[Escape Artist]

Smile or I will chase you down in a jet powered landspeeder, navigated by a monkey that smokes banana peels and throws feces at innocent bystanders every quarter mile.

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Tribal chat, the 6th food group! (http://www.thehypertribe.net/irc/)
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[Koliedrus]

Nope, sorry. Your attempt requires far too much explanation before it can draw a smile on THIS face. I appreciate the fact that your rage has focus but your efforts may lead to an "anger management course".

Oops! I smiled.

Okay, you got me. Gimme more.

[Koliedrus]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Escape Artist:
Smile or I will chase you down in a jet powered landspeeder, navigated by a monkey that smokes banana peels and throws feces at innocent bystanders every quarter mile.

[/quote]

Here's the fault:

Instead of smiling you got me thinking about the mechanics of carrying out such a task.

Damn. Now I have particular bystanders in mind.

MMMmuust not grrrriinn.... Face nonreactive... Must concentrate.....

[Mr. Snrub]

i am a beautiful and well-endowed starfish.

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I am the Kwisatz Haderach.

[Escape Artist]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Koliedrus:
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Escape Artist:
Smile or I will chase you down in a jet powered landspeeder, navigated by a monkey that smokes banana peels and throws feces at innocent bystanders every quarter mile.

[/quote]

Here's the fault:

Instead of smiling you got me thinking about the mechanics of carrying out such a task.

Damn. Now I have particular bystanders in mind.

MMMmuust not grrrriinn.... Face nonreactive... Must concentrate.....

[/quote]

Muahahaha! Here's some imagery for j00:

*monkey screeches*
*monkey throws handful of feces at RW*
*RW stands there in shock as the landspeeder continues down the road*
*monkey fires up fat banana doobie*
*engineer monkey eats the map*


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Tribal chat, the 6th food group! (http://www.thehypertribe.net/irc/)
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[Mudflap]

<FONT COLOR="Orange">Koliedrus dies and arrives in Hell. He's met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.

The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful blonde woman is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer. Koliedrus tells the devil, "This is for me!"

The devil says, "Are you sure? It lasts a thousand years!"

Koliedrus replies, "This is definitely the torture for me."

So the devil walks over the the young blonde woman and says, "You can go now, I've found your replacement."</FONT c>

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Please be gentle with me.
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[Mr. Snrub]

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and suck its dick.

Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door.


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<IMG SRC="http://fp.geocities.com/krazy_ivan92/scarface.htm" border=0>
I am the Kwisatz Haderach.

[Koliedrus]

Okay okay! I cracked. Make me laugh out loud and I'll pitch in some cash to get you laid!

[Escape Artist]

I do this for the Great Allah!!!!

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Tribal chat, the 6th food group! (http://www.thehypertribe.net/irc/)
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[Koliedrus]

Goddamit! You fuckers weren't supposed to slay me this quick!

Have a romp (http://www.romp.com) .

I owe you all one http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

[Escape Artist]

A WINNER IS ME! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME!!!

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Tribal chat, the 6th food group! (http://www.thehypertribe.net/irc/)
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[Dog Breath]

Here is one I made up last night.

[heavy Japanese accent]
Why did Buddhist missionary go to Mecca?

Because he hear "rag-top" is a convertible.
[/heavy Japanese accent]

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Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
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[Koliedrus]

I get it!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhahhahahhha!


Hey! That's not funny.

[estero]

<FONT COLOR="Pink">Kol, here's a joke for you kid.

A woman walks into a grocery store, gets toilet paper, orange, beans and q-tips. Walks up to the male cashier and he goes, "you're single aren't you"? The woman is amazed and says "YES HOW DID YOU KNOW"???????? He then says, "Because you're ugly"

BAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. God, I love that joke.</FONT c>

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[estero]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by RogueWarrior:

That's only because you aren't ugly.

[/quote]

<font color=pink>WHO SAYS? *PUNCH*



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[Wise Womcat]

HAHAHAHA! That is the funniest damn joke I have heard in a long time! (Kaye's joke is) I'm gonna start telling that one now. My last favorite one was:

There was this guy sitting on a plane with a black eye when another guy boarded the plane and proceeded to sit next to him. He noticed that the new guy had a black eye as well, so said "Hey. What a coicidence. Do you mind if I ask how you got it?"

"Well, it was just a misunderstanding. I was buying a plane ticket at the counter from this lady with huge tits. I ment to say 'I need one ticket to Tahiti' but it came out 'I need two titties to Tahiti'. So she socked me one"

"Wow...that is amazing. Same thing with me. Except I was at the table with my wife this morning, and I meant to say 'Pass me the milk' but it came out 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!'"

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JEEBUS RICE Kaye is a bitch...

[Mudflap]

<FONT COLOR="Orange">
Koliedrus is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"

Koliedrus sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.

Koliedrus brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Koliedrus continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Koliedrus. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Koliedrus. "View recede ten", Koliedrus says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Koliedrus.

"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Koliedrus stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so...

Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Koliedrus: "Here it is, right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"

Koliedrus abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Koliedrus after the stranger.

Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?"

Koliedrus points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries." </FONT c>

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Please be gentle with me.
<IMG SRC="http://cnas.ucr.edu/~bio/faculty/warthog.GIF" border=0>

[Koliedrus]

Har har. How'd you find out about the batteries?

Phhhhbbt. Thanks for blowing my fortune http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/wink.gif

[estero]

<font color=pink>We're a sw33t bunch, aren't we??

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[Koliedrus]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Kaye:
<font color=pink>We're a sw33t bunch, aren't we??

[/quote]

Yes'm, can be.

[King Bastard]

RW... MAO?????


My
Agressive
Orifice?
?
?
?

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Borne of sin, C',mon in... Andre Linoge; Storm of the Century

[focusedrage]

If this doesn't make you laugh....then, well, you aren't a man. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

http://www.tyler.net/llundberg/sperm.jpg

And one lil' joke for ya http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/wink.gif

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised her hand and asked "what gender" is a computer? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are clueless.

3. They are supposed to solve your problems, but half the time, they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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[Poteen]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

Koliedrus goes into the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I have never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says Koliedrus and drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about the floor laughing uncontrollably. About ten minutes later he is able to struggle to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Koliedrus looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

HEHEHEHEHEHE http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

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Geocities can suck my brass nuts!!

[Koliedrus]

Po, as soon as I find out how that story got out I'm filing a lawsuit against those "doctors".

Dems waffed at poor wittle Winky, yes ums did... http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/frown.gif

Ah, fuck the lawsuit. I'm gonna wait for them and make Scary Faces!!!

[John the barstard]

" Little Girl At The Barber Shop "

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on
your Twinkie." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."


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[Escape Artist]

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Koliedrus:
{snip!}
Ah, fuck the lawsuit. I'm gonna wait for them and make Scary Faces!!!

[/quote]

You evil, coldhearted bastard....Scary Faces will kill them!! CAN WE PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN! http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif



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Tribal chat, the 6th food group! (http://www.thehypertribe.net/irc/)
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[Faceplant]

my girl friends, girl- friend, a girl that is a friend...her car, a convertable is broken, and the top wont come up, so she asked me to take it to the repair shop, and i did, and i had to take the highway, and it was like 5 degrees F..and thats fucking cold...plus 85 mph equals negative degrees in my face..not cool, that should make you laugh, but fuck, im a good guy, so i dont complain.

[Koliedrus]

Face, that's not funny man! Your imagery made my nuts draw up! Lips flapping in the wind while snot freezes on your ear...

Gaaaaaa!

Oh well, thanks for the contraceptive.

[Koliedrus]

Ok. What's with this "Fanmail" shit? Fess up. Who sent me this:

--------------------------------------------

<center> What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive,caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the
stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her
breasts?
Her navel.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a
retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when a Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future
either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep
under each arm?
A Pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a
Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna
believe this shit." </center>