wittyhandle
06-03-2001, 11:50 PM
Hi again everyone. A friend of mine recently told me that I really should snap out of it and get back to posting here. I'm feeling better these days, despite the fact that I tend to go into a downward spiral from time to time. I still catch myself and keep from going for a straight nose-dive...those days are behind me. So, here I am at the bequest of a friend. Of course, I know it's good for me too. I don't really know what to write as I'm in a bit of a lock-down right now. I'm even having problems writing comments on my students' papers. But, correcting grammar is giving me some sort of pleasure. I suppose that comes from being a logophile.
Friends.
I used to be surrounded by them. Then, after I graduated from university (last June), they dwindled. I expected this to happen and I knew that only those that I was closest to would remain in the aftermath. We all went our ways and I went on to teach while they started their search for themselves in the corporate world. They're gone now. I had friends that remained in college...they're all but gone now too. Even the best of them is about to head out of the country. I feel deserted right now. And that's the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I slowly began to feel it as I began my teaching career. I love to teach. Don't confuse my telling you the starting point with me telling you that it's the cause.
Growing up.
I figured I was pretty grown up. I miss being a kid so that has a lot to do with it, right? Of course, I see that I will always have growing to do. But the friends, they still want to party all the time. And I find myself asking, "Why?" What's the point? I mean, hey, I have to sleep, I have to grade, I have something else to do...responsibilities you know. Where are theirs? And that's why I've not been able to connect with them anymore. They ask me to join them at a bar or a club. I pass. I'd rather grade papers, or watch t.v. Why? I hate meat-markets. I don't find the pleasure in drinking til you puke. I never really did. I like to see the other people. I sit and watch. I watch them and wonder. But people think I'm brooding. I'm not. I'm just watching. It's what I do.
Love.
My capacity to love has not been diminshed despite having faced the biggest betrayal of my life. I once loved. I'm sure most of you can figure out that I was once, not long ago, in a very powerful relationship. I was engaged to a girl who I thought was the most perfect person in the world. I was blind to her imperfections. She was everything to me. I threw myself...all of myself into our relationship. That was going to be the whole thing for us. It was perfect.
Crash.
About a year ago, the world began to crash. She turned into someone else. It's not just the stuff I was blind to, others were noting changes in her. I tried everything I could to salvage the relationship. By Februray, it was gone for good. She dumped me and dumped me cold. She was still claiming that she wanted us to be good friends. The other day, she finally admitted that she never wanted to see me again. There went the last friend I had in the world. But I move on. I have to.
Internet.
It's amazing the people you can find on this little neck of the woods in the world. I search personals all the time. My friend tells me it's dangerous. I'm not looking for a relationship. Well, I am. But I don't mean a relationship like what I had before. I'm looking for friendships with people who share similar interests. Friendships are forms of relationships. I've made that abundantly clear to people. And I love. I love with immense propensity. I know it can lead me to get hurt. But I can't help it. It's my nature to love people. Despite the betrayal of my ex, I still love her. I can't hate her. I don't love her the same way I once did but I still love her as a person. The Greeks, I believe were the ones who told us about the four different loves: Agape, Phileo, Eros and Storgee (I'm not sure about the last one...I never am). Anyhow, I can feel all of them for different people at different times. I've been told I'm a good soul. That's something I truly believe. I have honestly tried to hate people. I've honestly tried to hate my ex. I can't do it. Is this my flaw?
Closure.
I'm near it. It's just there above the glass ceiling. See, I recognize that glass ceiling. So, I pull out my hammer. It's thick glass but I'm getting through it. Every now and then, a piece gets in my eye and causes me to relapse and fall down the ladder a bit in all the confusion. But when I get it out, I make my way back up. I can't wear goggles. They weren't provided for me. Even if they were, I wouldn't want them. I don't want to experience automaton relationships. I want to be human and experience humanity. I guess it's like in Fight Club when he gets that chemical burn. That's it. Well, if you've gotten this far, I commend you. It took me a while to get here too. I'm feeling much better these days...honestly. I don't like doctors though. My friend tells me to see him. I hate doctors. I hate it that other people can take some of what you're saying, manipulate it and turn it around and tell you what's going on in your head. If you ask me, I think he just twisted it around to get me on the fucking zoloft. He had a Zoloft pen, Zoloft notepad...see a trend? Drug companies...that's a different thread for a different day. The point is, I know psychologists. I nearly went that route myself. I know too much, I guess. Anyway, I'm a dark person anyhow. That probably sets it going a lot too. I've always been as such though. I've never worn the right clothes, never said the right things, never was the GQ model looking cookie-cutter print out. I like the wrong things and that made me an outsider. That part is painful. Being an outsider is hard. And when someone finally accepts you, only to turn on you and become one of the insiders, leaving you on the outside...well, that's just sad. I think my life would make a good play. Ooh, an idea. I'm going to go back to grading...I've rambled on too long.
Sorrow.
------------------
I think, therefore I'm
dangerous.
Friends.
I used to be surrounded by them. Then, after I graduated from university (last June), they dwindled. I expected this to happen and I knew that only those that I was closest to would remain in the aftermath. We all went our ways and I went on to teach while they started their search for themselves in the corporate world. They're gone now. I had friends that remained in college...they're all but gone now too. Even the best of them is about to head out of the country. I feel deserted right now. And that's the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I slowly began to feel it as I began my teaching career. I love to teach. Don't confuse my telling you the starting point with me telling you that it's the cause.
Growing up.
I figured I was pretty grown up. I miss being a kid so that has a lot to do with it, right? Of course, I see that I will always have growing to do. But the friends, they still want to party all the time. And I find myself asking, "Why?" What's the point? I mean, hey, I have to sleep, I have to grade, I have something else to do...responsibilities you know. Where are theirs? And that's why I've not been able to connect with them anymore. They ask me to join them at a bar or a club. I pass. I'd rather grade papers, or watch t.v. Why? I hate meat-markets. I don't find the pleasure in drinking til you puke. I never really did. I like to see the other people. I sit and watch. I watch them and wonder. But people think I'm brooding. I'm not. I'm just watching. It's what I do.
Love.
My capacity to love has not been diminshed despite having faced the biggest betrayal of my life. I once loved. I'm sure most of you can figure out that I was once, not long ago, in a very powerful relationship. I was engaged to a girl who I thought was the most perfect person in the world. I was blind to her imperfections. She was everything to me. I threw myself...all of myself into our relationship. That was going to be the whole thing for us. It was perfect.
Crash.
About a year ago, the world began to crash. She turned into someone else. It's not just the stuff I was blind to, others were noting changes in her. I tried everything I could to salvage the relationship. By Februray, it was gone for good. She dumped me and dumped me cold. She was still claiming that she wanted us to be good friends. The other day, she finally admitted that she never wanted to see me again. There went the last friend I had in the world. But I move on. I have to.
Internet.
It's amazing the people you can find on this little neck of the woods in the world. I search personals all the time. My friend tells me it's dangerous. I'm not looking for a relationship. Well, I am. But I don't mean a relationship like what I had before. I'm looking for friendships with people who share similar interests. Friendships are forms of relationships. I've made that abundantly clear to people. And I love. I love with immense propensity. I know it can lead me to get hurt. But I can't help it. It's my nature to love people. Despite the betrayal of my ex, I still love her. I can't hate her. I don't love her the same way I once did but I still love her as a person. The Greeks, I believe were the ones who told us about the four different loves: Agape, Phileo, Eros and Storgee (I'm not sure about the last one...I never am). Anyhow, I can feel all of them for different people at different times. I've been told I'm a good soul. That's something I truly believe. I have honestly tried to hate people. I've honestly tried to hate my ex. I can't do it. Is this my flaw?
Closure.
I'm near it. It's just there above the glass ceiling. See, I recognize that glass ceiling. So, I pull out my hammer. It's thick glass but I'm getting through it. Every now and then, a piece gets in my eye and causes me to relapse and fall down the ladder a bit in all the confusion. But when I get it out, I make my way back up. I can't wear goggles. They weren't provided for me. Even if they were, I wouldn't want them. I don't want to experience automaton relationships. I want to be human and experience humanity. I guess it's like in Fight Club when he gets that chemical burn. That's it. Well, if you've gotten this far, I commend you. It took me a while to get here too. I'm feeling much better these days...honestly. I don't like doctors though. My friend tells me to see him. I hate doctors. I hate it that other people can take some of what you're saying, manipulate it and turn it around and tell you what's going on in your head. If you ask me, I think he just twisted it around to get me on the fucking zoloft. He had a Zoloft pen, Zoloft notepad...see a trend? Drug companies...that's a different thread for a different day. The point is, I know psychologists. I nearly went that route myself. I know too much, I guess. Anyway, I'm a dark person anyhow. That probably sets it going a lot too. I've always been as such though. I've never worn the right clothes, never said the right things, never was the GQ model looking cookie-cutter print out. I like the wrong things and that made me an outsider. That part is painful. Being an outsider is hard. And when someone finally accepts you, only to turn on you and become one of the insiders, leaving you on the outside...well, that's just sad. I think my life would make a good play. Ooh, an idea. I'm going to go back to grading...I've rambled on too long.
Sorrow.
------------------
I think, therefore I'm
dangerous.