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Koliedrus
01-20-2001, 03:30 PM
I've never experience one personally but all three of my siblings, my wife, her parents and several friends have.

One particular individual has learned that confessions of life before marriage are not always taken as intended.

In this case, the confessions were intended as an expression of faith.

"I did this and I want you to know about it now." Ten years later, those confessions are part of the officially served divorce documents. Since visitation rights with their children are at issue, the individual has mentioned suicide twice.

My question is this:

Should you divulge your entire past to your partner without regard to future consequences?

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[This message has been edited by Koliedrus (edited 01-20-2001).]
Escape Artist
01-29-2001, 12:45 AM
Hell no. My ex did that...and it interfered with the relationship, believe me. You tell her that and I'll kill you. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif Unless it's necessary or related to whatever situation's going on, keep the past in the shadows.

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King Bastard
01-29-2001, 01:22 AM
This is a double edged sword. On the one hand, you're not being fully honest with a person to whom you are planning to dedicate the rest of your life to. On the other hand tho, you might be trying to keep things from them that you know will hurt them.

I would opt for the honesty route. If you walk into a HUGE thing like marrige, and cant be honest at the get-go, then you are probably marrying the wrong person.

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Koliedrus
01-29-2001, 09:49 AM
My wife went through a divorce long before we met. When we were getting to know each other, stories about our pasts came up as a matter of conversation. At that point our relationship was nothing more than a good friendship.

As we grew closer, some of the stories began to upset the other. For instance, the particular details of a sexual interlude with a previous partner was (originally) an amusing anecdote. Once we became emotionally involved we decided that the details of those relationships were best left unsaid.

Some details of your life are better kept to yourself in order to spare the feelings of your partner.

The individual to which I refer is going through quite a different circumstance.

In order to clarify the situation, I'll identify genders. The following is all I know:

PGP Passphrase: divorce


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Version: PGPfreeware 6.5.8 for non-commercial use <http://www.pgp.com>

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=M3xG
-----END PGP MESSAGE-----

I appreciate your specific responses but the matter is already decided in my mind.

Continue to site generalities at your discretion.
Strider
01-31-2001, 02:08 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Koliedrus:
My wife went through a divorce long before we met. When we were getting to know each other, stories about our pasts came up as a matter of conversation. At that point our relationship was nothing more than a good friendship.

As we grew closer, some of the stories began to upset the other. For instance, the particular details of a sexual interlude with a previous partner was (originally) an amusing anecdote. Once we became emotionally involved we decided that the details of those relationships were best left unsaid.

Some details of your life are better kept to yourself in order to spare the feelings of your partner.

The individual to which I refer is going through quite a different circumstance.

In order to clarify the situation, I'll identify genders. The following is all I know:

PGP Passphrase: divorce


-----BEGIN PGP MESSAGE-----
Version: PGPfreeware 6.5.8 for non-commercial use <http://www.pgp.com>

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lPNLLJ4gcckzIxnVzFQDaEovBQ==
=M3xG
-----END PGP MESSAGE-----

I appreciate your specific responses but the matter is already decided in my mind.

Continue to site generalities at your discretion.[/quote]

why can't you just spit it out?

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Spoooooooge
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King Bastard
01-31-2001, 03:06 AM
Kol, check your PM's. Thanks.

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'DOH!<IMG SRC="http://geocities.com/matiasjakobsen/blue.gif" border=0>
Koliedrus
01-31-2001, 12:50 PM
KB: Done. Reciprocate.


<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Strider:

why can't you just spit it out?

[/quote]

The information is of a particularly delicate nature. I don't wish to divulge the details simply to amuse someone who is just passing through.

I've encrypted it so that anyone with PGP and the passphrase (provided) can read the message. If you can read it, you've made an effort to gain some knowledge. If you can't...

*shrug*

In your case, Strider, I hope you'll make the effort. You don't have to thank me later but I hope you find it useful.

To spark your interest, this person may have abused a kid. Details are sketchy.

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RIF

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[This message has been edited by Koliedrus (edited 01-31-2001).]
Princess_Heather
01-31-2001, 08:04 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR> Originally posted by Koliedrus
Should you divulge your entire past to your partner without regard to future consequences? [/quote]

Yes, your partner has the right to know everything about you and your past. Anything less would be false advertizing. It would not be fair to "sell" yourself as something that you are not. If you feel you have to hide something from a lover for fear they wouldn't like it or think they would leave you because of it, to not tell them is being dishonest and deceiving. It is SO painful to learn something of a lovers past that they have hidden from you. Not only do you feel untrusted and viewed as someone who would hold the truth against a person, you feel betrayed and like you have been loving a lie all along.

I want to know that my man loves me no matter what, regaurdless of my mistakes, despite everything I have done wrong. I want to know that he loves me for me and else, and the only way to be sure that he really loves everything about me is to be sure he knows everything about my past. If I am going to hide something from him, to make myself easier to love or protect him by keeping him in the dark, I might as well add little jewles to my past here and there... I'd be just as well telling him that I won a nobel prize and was close in relation to Bill Gates.

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[This message has been edited by Princess_Heather (edited 01-31-2001).]
Koliedrus
02-01-2001, 12:30 PM
Ok, let's extend your analogy a bit, PH.

Let's say you told your guy about something particularly nasty that you did in your past. Let's say you picked up a drifter, kept him tied up in your basement, sexually abused him for a month before killing and dismemberring him. To prove your story you show your guy a jar containing pickled genitals and a videotape.

"Do you still love me?"
"What's in the past is past. Of course I do."

Years and several kids later, you and hubby have a falling out. Divorce (since that is the topic here) is immenant and you both want sole custody of the kids.

Do you think he won't use your confession against you? Not only will he get custody, you'll end up in the slam.

I know that's an extreme example but it's necessary if I expect you to see my point.

Marriages fail. That's a fact. More often than not the aftermath can get quite ugly.
Princess_Heather
02-01-2001, 04:22 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Do you think he won't use your confession against you? Not only will he get custody, you'll end up in the slam.

[/quote]

That is assuming I haven't already been jailed for it... http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/wink.gif

Do you really think I sensor everything I tell my husband based on wether or not it can be used against me in a court of law?

I would NOT regret telling him, I WOULD regret doing the crime.

If I was really sick enough to commit such an offense, I would deserve prison time, remorse for it or not.

I tell him everything, and I would tell him about that, but before the marraige, before engagements, before "I LOVE YOU". Everything needs to be out in the open when there is still a chance to get out and away from a potentially undesirable person before emotions get too involved. It would not be fair to lure him into a legally bound relationship and then dump twisted shit like that on him.

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[This message has been edited by Princess_Heather (edited 02-01-2001).]
Koliedrus
02-01-2001, 05:32 PM
Hmmmm. Ok. So you're Snow White with red hair. You'll live happily ever after.

It's HYPOTHETICAL. It also happens to OTHER PEOPLE.

Ok, I'll cut to the chase.

Unless you're Princess Heather, there are some things you should keep to yourself in order to avoid a lot of shit in the future. Don't tell your spouse about details concerning your previous relationships unless you want a fight in the future. If you enter a relationship with a skeleton in your closet, keep it there. People like me know how to help people like them find things like that.

If one spouse doesn't know what the other one did, I don't know what to look for.

Simple, huh?

There's your lesson.
King Bastard
02-02-2001, 03:18 PM
I finally got that bit decrypted Kol.. Thanks for the heads up on how to do so.

Anyway, I still hold true to what I said earlier, you need to be up front with a partner. Marrige, living together, what have you.... Honesty is key.

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Mr. Snrub
02-09-2001, 06:46 AM
Honesty is necessary - but talk of former boyfriends drives me homicidal. However, NOT knowing anything about their past is even worse - you can't deal with something you're not sure about.

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Koliedrus
02-09-2001, 11:53 AM
We've gone from discussing divorce to pointing out some crucial points about the importance of honesty in any type of relationship.

It's important to know your partner. On that I think we all agree. It's also important to be able to say, "That's enough", and then make a decision about how your relationship will proceed based on the knowlege you have of them.

For instance, when Mrs. Kol and I were just really good friends, the stories about previous relationships were just a matter of conversation. Once I realize that we were in love, the anecdotes began to be painful so I suggested that we keep them to ourselves and acknowledge the fact that neither of us were candidates for sainthood. She agreed. Now we're married and still very much in love.

In retrospect, my previous set of thoughts in this thread were mainly directed at you fuckers who have something to hide. Eventually that shit comes floating to the top. The guy I mentioned at the beginning of the thread is chewing on his own shit and regretting throwing the doors of his past wide open in the name of love and honesty. He may never see his kids again when all is said and done. (IMHO I think he's getting far less than he deserves. He's an asshole.)

Ok, how about we discuss ways to AVOID divorce? If you're married, teach some tricks you've learned in your time together. If you're in a relationship, discuss the issues that bug you about your partner and how you deal with them. What irritates your partner? You get the picture.

Ready

Set

Teach
focusedrage
02-14-2001, 01:19 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>(IMHO I think he's getting far less than he deserves.)[/quote]
I agree....
<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Ok, how about we discuss ways to AVOID divorce? If you're married, teach some tricks you've learned in your time together. If you're in a relationship, discuss the issues that bug you about your partner and how you deal with them. What irritates your partner? You get the picture[/quote]

Well, as I am only 19, I cant really speak from the experience of being married, but I do have two (wonderful, even though at times, they annoy me!!) parents whom have been married for 20 + years.

I think one of the most important things that has kept them together is the ability to work things out. Arguements and disagreements will happen, but being able to work them out is something that I think is key...also, I think something else that is important, is "dont sweat the little things." My parents dont, and I know that helps. I my best-friend has been in a relationship for a good while now, and it seems as though him and his g/friend are ALWAYS getting into arguements for stupid shit (and I tell them that everytime I see it happen too!)...and I think it really is going to hurt them in the long run.

Love is always an important part in a long lasting relationship...and not just "regular" love, but an unconditional love.

Just my "2 cents"

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Koliedrus
02-14-2001, 03:04 PM
Whoops! Your "2 cent" have turned out to be valuable stock-options! And here I thought you were some 60-year-old sage.

I appreciate your wisdom. Gimme some more!!
Strider
02-15-2001, 05:42 AM
I want a chiapet...

...


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Spoooooooge
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