A truely fallen angel [Archive]

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FallenAngel

03-14-2001, 11:51 PM

Today I have come very close to losing a very dear friend. I made a mistake, the mistake was allowing my true nature and personality to be shown. And it has caused me to realize what truly bad person I am capable of being.

Let me explain first just a little.

My true nature I try to hide not because I think it is bad but because society mocks it and knocks me down because of it. I have opinions of which most people would argue. If you know me then to know my true nature would be to learn how truly two faced I am. Altho this is hard I am about to explain about my true nature. Until today I thought hiding myself would be safer for everyone, but the event that have unfolded today have truly caused me to rethink that.

**Disclaimer: Many of you know me in real life and I can only hope this admission will not make you think less of my a person, those of you who don't know me I hope will understand that this not a joke and will not ridicule me because you think that it is. **

I enjoy sex **big shocker right?**. But the problem lies in the fact that I also have learned how to use sex. To manipulate people with it. At first I used sex as a replacement for love. If I had sex then he must love me right? Wrong. I was used. And I felt dirty for it. So I tried to switch roles. Use men for sex, be the user instead of the usee. Their is only one problem. Women who use men are sluts and whores in societies eyes. The fact that we live in the 21st Century changes nothing. I used men but I was still shunned so instead of turning the tables and winning, I lost a little more. My self-esteem was now nothing but torn shreds. But in the process I had honed some amazingly effective seductive flirting skills. I had learned I could make almost any man want to have sex with me. Some took longer to persuade than other, but in the end I could wrap almost any man I wanted around my finger.

But I am a smart girl, I learned that if people knew of my secret life then I would be shunned. Not to my face of course, I would still be treated the same. But when I wasn't around I would be whispered and gossiped about. So I separated my life and my sexual life from each other thinking to myself that I could never allow the two to meet. I would seduce and manipulate men that didn't know my friends or co workers. I would seduce nearly total strangers. To my friends I was a sweet innocent girl who hardly ever dated. But the other side of me always had a man always had someone wrapped around my finger.

But something happened my two lives began two overlap. My seductive flirty nature had become so well known and so well honed that I began to unknowingly practice it on men that were my friends, that I had no intention of seducing. I would flirt with people I cared about and cause them to become uncomfortable in my company. And unknowingly cause them to distance themselves from me.

So now I sit here. And I watch as a close friend, one I am unwilling to watch just walk away, starts to look at me different. And I am once again ashamed of myself.

This is my rant. Men and women are equal without ever being equal. Had society not shunned my nature I would not have created to personas of myself in real life. I would be allowed to have just one. But societies pressures and accusations have caused me to become two halves of one person. The one I fear people will know. And the one I work so hard to show in hopes of hiding my other half.

Judge me now for I have sinned.



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And one time at band camp...

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Uberwonder

03-15-2001, 12:38 AM

It wouldn't affect my opinion of you here or in RL.
Personally, you have done nothing that I would have a problem with. A person's sexual habits are not something I consider a criteria for friendship.

Buddha's Penis!

03-15-2001, 01:05 AM

i agree with rw and wonder. my opinion of someone isn't based on their weaknesses, it's based on their strengths. everybody has their bad points.
however, i think the desire to manipulate is extremely unhealthy and somewhat destructive. psychologically speaking, as if i am in any way qualified to speak psychologically.
please don't let that last part leave you with a negative impression of my opinion. you seem to be a nice and caring person.

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my typewriter is tombstone still and I am reduced to bird watching.
just thought I'd let you know, fucker.

Dog Breath

03-15-2001, 03:54 AM

Hopefully you are testing the waters to see how we react so you may reveal this part of you to your friend.

I have known several women whom had the same ability to ensnare men. Most women have the ability they just never believed it. Your eyes were opened through some circumstance. That knowledge has forever changed you. Innocence cannot be regained.

You are a special lady and you have my respect. Use your life wisely. It will be harder for you than most.

Sit your friend down and tell him what you have told us. He will understand. All he wants to know is you will not harm him. He knows you have the opportunity to do so. If it is hard to look him in the eye and confess, print this out and give it to him. You don't have to tell him it is you whom wrote it. He will figure it out but he won't be sure. He will ask why you gave it to him and you can tell him the whole story. That will be less of a blow and he will be able to adjust gradually.

Your honesty will solidify your friendship just as this secret is eating away the foundation of trust between you. I think he will be flattered that you care enough about your friendship to confide in him (I know I would).

It is not over yet, The choice is yours.

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Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
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Mudflap

03-15-2001, 05:14 AM

You are entitled to whatever kind of sex life you desire, just as long as no one gets hurt. Your efforts toward discretion are very wise considering our society's fucked up double standard concerning promiscuity among men and women.

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by Fallen Angel:
But something happened my two lives began two overlap. My seductive flirty nature had become so well known and so well honed that I began to unknowingly practice it on men that were my friends, that I had no intention of seducing. I would flirt with people I cared about and cause them to become uncomfortable in my company. And unknowingly cause them to distance themselves from me.[/quote]

Is this really true? You unintentionally transmit signals of seduction so strongly that friends are distancing themselves from you? I find that kind of hard to swallow, but if you say so, then so be it. I'd suggest you seek some professional help for this problem. I'd also suggest you have some frank discussions with your friends and let them know exactly what your feelings for them truly are. Most men like knowing exactly where they stand with their female friends because there is always at the back of their mind's the question of "what if?". Regardless, best of luck to you.

King Bastard

03-15-2001, 09:14 AM

Yeah, if it were me, I'd want to know exactly were we stood in regards to one another.

but, it's your life, who are we to judge? As long as it's all in fun, and you dont set out to consciously hurt other people, what's the difference? you could lick or suck whatever you'd want to, and it'd be no skin of my back.

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Borne of sin, C',mon in... Andre Linoge; Storm of the Century

squee

03-16-2001, 01:53 PM

M/F, F/M, M/M, F/F.
/ is what goes on between us
/ is what separates us

VenoM

03-17-2001, 12:29 AM

FA,
noone has the right to judge u, I agree with RW and Uber.

If people were judge for being flirtatious, shit, lock me up and throw away the key. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

but seriously, if u can seduce a man to sharpen ur pencil, MORE POWER TO U!!!! http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

Another way of looking at it, is to have a sex friend. A friend who knows commitment isn't a question and a person who can always put a smile on ur face http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif who knows?!?

But i will never judge u nor anyone else for that matter cause their a sex'o'holic, gawd knows i'm one too. But my sex friend wanted MORE, MUCH MORE, SHE WANTED ME TO SAY "I DO" http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

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FallenAngel

10-08-2001, 03:52 AM

I am pulling this out from the bottom of the heap ... because rumor has it that is spreading like a wildfire around my office ... and that people are reading things into that are NOT accurate.

First of all I wrote this as part of a healing for myself.... For hurts and problems that i was only then learning to deal with ... and as a apoligy to someone that i had done a really rotten thing too .... but that is not the point

Apparently what people who are reading this are getting out of it is that I purposely manipulate my friends and co-workers every change i get.

This is no where true ... when i wrote this the problem i had was that had problems trusting men .... so instead of trusting them and forming real relationships or friendships with them .... i either ignored them .... or i seduced them .... or plain and simpley used them for sex before they could do the same to me.

See i have been hurt by men so often i just assume the worst ... so when someone tries to get close to me i hurt them... mainly men... if they like me then i use it to my advantage before they can do it to me.... since i like sex ... thats usually 'how' i manipulate them.

However i dont purposely set out to hurt anyone and i never under any circumstances go after ppl i already consider my friends ...

And besides that thru help of ppl who have bothered to get to know me BEFORE making judgements I have managed to over come alot of this problem ...

I no longer use men they way i did before.... altho i still dont trust them at first ... im working on that part too ...

anyways for those of you that DO work with me and mis-interpreted this or helped to spread it around without understanding its true meaning then i think you should come have a talk with me and understand exactly WHO I AM before you pass judgement.

-fallen angel

p.s. to those that got hurt by this wild and inaccurate rumor that was based off this post ... i apoligize ... you know who you are and hopefully there are no longer any bad feelings between us ... you are both good friends of mine and i would hate to loose you because of this.

Edit: Fixed color tags

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And one time at band camp...

[This message has been edited by Mudflap (edited 10-08-2001).]

Billyman

10-08-2001, 04:27 AM

I only know you from your posts or the posts about you. I do not judge, period. After all, who am I to do so. I do not look down on you, hell, I never looked up to you. (that isn't an insult). If you feel guilty about something you have done, then it was probably wrong. I you don't, what was wrong with it? Get my drift? Just be careful, is all I suggest.

P.S. I would like to be seduced! http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/tongue.gif Seriously though, love ya. Don't ever forget it.

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"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."

- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
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[This message has been edited by Billyman (edited 10-07-2001).]

MAC

10-08-2001, 06:47 PM

I am saddened to think that someone has taken your very well written and honest public statement and turned it into some type of a scarlet letter.
If you have done things maliciously (for whatever reason) they count against you.
But those things have to be balanced against how you act every single day.
I seriously doubt if you have done anything to the people you work with that gives them reason to think badly of you...unless they are just looking for someone to hate.

I can only judge you on your daily actions here.
You do not appear deceitful.
You do not take joy in hurting others or causing strife.
You do not come in here and use us or play us for your own enjoyment.
You give to the board and you take from the board like everyone else.

Most people do not know how to draw that line between self protection and predjudice.

You just keep being you and trust your judgement.
If you think you're doing something wrong...fix it.
If you are in the right, keep it up.

...and post when you get the chance
http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

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Don't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.

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squee

10-08-2001, 07:07 PM

It's all true. She used me, and now I am a Man http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

In all seriousness tho, FA, look at this: you get used by men, which is shitty, because it reduces you to nothing. So you try to do it back for "revenge." Still wrong! Because in reducing someone else, you reduce yourself as well. So eventually you are going to have to give up this childish revenge shit and decide what you really want in life, and go for it.

I have another mind about this issue but to avoid being insulting I'll try to couch it: you say you like sex...and you use people...is this all traceable back to men? Yeah, maybe, who knows? The point is, you're responsible for your own actions, so bear in mind that you COULD just be justifying your sexual proclivities and the way you hurt people. In other words, you needed to be a meanie before you embarked on this course. But, there's hope for you yet...

Like Mac said, you don't seem quite so bad, but I really don't see you posting all that much, so how do I know? For all I know you're a 32-year-old man living in his mom's basement. Sorry to get so verbose, old man.

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Non sibi sed patriae
Non nobis Domine, Domine! ...Sed nomine Tuo da gloriam!