Inside, I'm gone........... [Archive]

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gone~away

01-23-2001, 04:54 PM

This has become my credo.

For so long i have been providing people with a valuable service........ hope...

But now i am out.. i barely have enough for me (and perhaps one other unnamed person http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif)

People come to me, sad, depressed, and i (like anyone) make them feel better... at least i think i do (its really moot)

my point is.. i have given too much of myself.. remained optimistic when i wanted to scream 'FUCK THE WORLD', badmouthed the object of my friend's hatred even if i could see their point...

for so long i've been about other people (which is why it shocked me to hear my mother call me selfish) that i feel empty inside... i feel like im missing something important that i had before......

do any of you know what the FUCK im talking about?? have you ever given too much of yourself and left yourself weak and tired because of it...

and more importantly do you think what i am saying makes sense?? is it possible to give too much of your essence?? does helping someone emotionally take from your well?

im curious

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Dog Breath

01-23-2001, 05:10 PM

No I believe giving to others increases your "well". It is normal to hit low spots. Having your mother call you selfish is a good way to explore the pits of your soul. I am sure she was being specific about something, at least in her own mind. We are all selfish about certain things. Having someone point it out however causes us to question ourselves just as you are doing now.

Cheer up your situation is neither unique nor permanent. Go have a mocha blast on me. They cure all mental Malays. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

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Woof.
Scratching at the eyes of societal normalcy.
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Princess_Heather

01-23-2001, 05:54 PM

I hear ya Babe... Joe's gone through this too, especially when he lived with his dad and was his sole caretaker fulltime.

ICQ/email me... I'm leaving for class NOW, but will be back in my apt. in 9 hours or so.

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[This message has been edited by Princess_Heather (edited 01-23-2001).]

Rabble Rouser

01-23-2001, 09:36 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I was always the one my friends came to for advice, and I always helped them. I like helping people...I wouldn't be going to school to be a psychologist if I didn't. But constantly playing the role of the therapist left me with no one to go to with my problems. I think the effects of knowing you've helped someone else are cancelled out by the fact that you can't help yourself.

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"You did it, Nibbles! Now, nibble through my ball sack!" - Principal Skinner

Mr. Snrub

01-24-2001, 04:38 AM

Not me. I stopped caring long ago. But people come to me for advice. Just not about emotional stuff, because for the most part i don't care or understand. I guesss i don't engage with people that way either - other people's moods don't really affect me. Not to say i don't care - i'm ferociously protective of my friends.

Caring is hard. Are you sure you want to?

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WhiteDevil

01-24-2001, 09:10 AM

I know the feeling. All my friends with severe problems (like being sexualy abused/used by their next door neighbour at age 12 for example) come to me with their problems. And when I find out and get to know their problems, and have to help them cope, deal with it, etc, I feel drained at the end. Like butter that has been spread too thin. I think that is from the Hobbit (great book if you are nekulturny enough not to have read it).

And my g.f hates me because I can see through her, see to her problems, see when she is sad or depressed (she has depression, getting over the whole suicide thing) and because I can walk through the walls that she builds to keep people out. And then she tells me she loves me. WTF am i supposed to do? I see someone I love so much hurting, I try and help, and I know she wants me to, and then she tells me whats going wrong, or why she is sad or depressed, and then I get shut out. And then she tells me she loves me. You just feel so empty. And sad. A problem shared is a problem halved, but a bit of the stuff which is left over fro mthe person goes to you. Why do you think shrinks see shrinks? The human mind and heart is a terrible yet beautiful thing to see. Its just so saddening to see such beautiful and caring people hurt so badly. And you WANT to help them, to make them feel better. To care. But it eats at you. Sometimes you become a monster so the monster doesn't break you. I don't want to do that. Its scary. I am scared shitless of that......

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Are you a rebel?
Have you ever danced with the devil?

Koliedrus

01-24-2001, 02:59 PM

Yes. It's possible to give too much of yourself.

Ok, I'll spill.

I started using IRC soon after its inception. I was one of the first inhabitants on Dalnet and was known by a very common name; my own.

Most of my time was spent helping a small group of individuals with their personal problems. Each day I found that they had compounded their problems. Eventually, their situations meant more than my own.

Since my situation was reminiscent of my time operating a dialup BBS, I took my own advice and pulled the plug. That's one reason you will only find me in chat or ICQ on rare occasions.

GA, it's time to get selfish. The attention you've radiated for so long should now be directed inward. You've done so much for others you deserve some time to think only of yourself and your situation. You obviously have what it takes to make it.

Barring some unforeseen disaster, you know where to find us.

Get to work! Keep in contact!

I mean every word.

gone~away

01-24-2001, 07:36 PM

kol:

i can't do that, if someone comes to me i have this inability to turn them away, i don't want to...

case in point: march 1999 a guy i'd known for 12 years from living in my neighbourhood was out of a home, i invited him into mine with my mother's approval even though we had never been friends we had grown up together.

here is an inventory of the stuff he stole from me : my walkman (150), my watch (100), my nintendo 64 games (300) 300 dollars in cash...... and yet when he got out of jail (for a drug dealing charge.. what a fucked up 18 year old) i still gave him back his wallet w/ id and his boots....

i do not have a big asshole gene in my body.. it is hard for me to use it unless it is in self-defense... (or defense of my friends)

but it eats at me, like whitedevil said, i feel a little left with me everytime, and now i absolutely HATE humanity... how can i not, with the evidence presented to me in public and then the private and evil things my friends tell me people have done to them... in a way a monster has taken hold.... i want to keep it from advancing... i dont want to become NOTHING but a bitter shell of what i used to be.... (im already bitter i know but there is a LITTLE more to me.

im just worried for my future.. as well as my present.. with something very big and difficult going on in my life now this is not the time for me to be in a stage of self doubt.......

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Sirus

01-24-2001, 07:47 PM

I think that if you took just one day off, for yourself, it would be benificial.

People come to you because you are the nicest guy here. No Shit.

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Outcast
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