MAC
09-19-2007, 12:11 PM
I have had a few evenings, lately, where I go to bed like normal and then wake up a couple hours later unable to sleep. I assume this is just because I'm OLD. Not old like "go to bed at 6 or 7pm only to get up at 3am to cook breakfast and beat the newspaper guy to the local coffee shop" but old like "don't need 8 hours sleep per night if you didn't exert yourself much that day. I do very well on about 6 hours sleep most of the week.
But since I've been up I decided to wrestle some demons.
So far I am undefeated!
...but I was very frustrated this morning when I came to a great realization about one of my "problems"
First of all let me point out that no one EVER looses sleep worrying about their strengths. No one ever throws their hands up and says "why God do I always do this RIGHT!!!???"
No, you only beat-your-self-up over what you screw up habitually. I think this is called low-self-esteem. I have very high concentrations of low-self-esteem which I finally realized goes back to my mother (Freud would be so proud!) Mom was very, very unhappy for most of my childhood. She yelled at me constantly and I fought with her non-stop. When she finally came around and became VERY supportive of me and VERY positive she got sick and died. It's just that simple. I wish there was more too it but had she lived longer or died sooner I would be a very different person.
Luckily for me I am an adult now and can't be bothered with blaming my parents for why I have certain problems with relationships or why I can't make myself pursue my dreams. I am fortunate enough to have one parent left and he is always very supportive although I think I've worn him down over the years by being so damned negative. (I'll work on that.)
So, as I have this great moment of introspection I suddenly lament that at 34 years old I am still having these melodramatic epiphanies. Just like after 16 years I still can't find a gal who wants me for anything other than sex ;) (for those of you who haven't realized this yet, that's a joke based on the fact that in any failed relationship where you part on good terms you both still want to hump)
As I started to second guess myself and worry that I was now making-up answers to imaginary problems something occurred to me:
I was born a 10# baby and it took 20+ years to develop into a 200# man. As you grow and develop emotionally/spiritually/etc you are going to find you have some "issues". You don't have all your issues at once. They develop slowly over time. This is normal. No one handles ALL situations well. No one feels good ALL the time. You will find you have "issues" with certain situations as you reach those situations and you may not even notice your "issues" at other times. (This a was particularly important realization for me.) And having an "issue" doesn't make you bad or even necessarily wrong but it means something isn't working right. There's something you need to learn or do differently if you want to not have the "issue"
This led me to the conclusion that you cannot expect to have all your "issues" handled by some certain age or point in your life. I have no doubt that 10 years from now I will realize that I'm being an ass about something because of some bad experience I had at summer camp or some shit. Once you realize you have a problem and you want it fixed, your new problem is fixing it. :p
I also learned one other super important thing.
Most of you realize that you should NEVER go grocery shopping when your hungry because you'll buy all kinds of crap food.
Well, you should NEVER try to work out relationship problems when you're horny for sorta the same reason.
I'll give you that little bit of information for free.
-MAC-
But since I've been up I decided to wrestle some demons.
So far I am undefeated!
...but I was very frustrated this morning when I came to a great realization about one of my "problems"
First of all let me point out that no one EVER looses sleep worrying about their strengths. No one ever throws their hands up and says "why God do I always do this RIGHT!!!???"
No, you only beat-your-self-up over what you screw up habitually. I think this is called low-self-esteem. I have very high concentrations of low-self-esteem which I finally realized goes back to my mother (Freud would be so proud!) Mom was very, very unhappy for most of my childhood. She yelled at me constantly and I fought with her non-stop. When she finally came around and became VERY supportive of me and VERY positive she got sick and died. It's just that simple. I wish there was more too it but had she lived longer or died sooner I would be a very different person.
Luckily for me I am an adult now and can't be bothered with blaming my parents for why I have certain problems with relationships or why I can't make myself pursue my dreams. I am fortunate enough to have one parent left and he is always very supportive although I think I've worn him down over the years by being so damned negative. (I'll work on that.)
So, as I have this great moment of introspection I suddenly lament that at 34 years old I am still having these melodramatic epiphanies. Just like after 16 years I still can't find a gal who wants me for anything other than sex ;) (for those of you who haven't realized this yet, that's a joke based on the fact that in any failed relationship where you part on good terms you both still want to hump)
As I started to second guess myself and worry that I was now making-up answers to imaginary problems something occurred to me:
I was born a 10# baby and it took 20+ years to develop into a 200# man. As you grow and develop emotionally/spiritually/etc you are going to find you have some "issues". You don't have all your issues at once. They develop slowly over time. This is normal. No one handles ALL situations well. No one feels good ALL the time. You will find you have "issues" with certain situations as you reach those situations and you may not even notice your "issues" at other times. (This a was particularly important realization for me.) And having an "issue" doesn't make you bad or even necessarily wrong but it means something isn't working right. There's something you need to learn or do differently if you want to not have the "issue"
This led me to the conclusion that you cannot expect to have all your "issues" handled by some certain age or point in your life. I have no doubt that 10 years from now I will realize that I'm being an ass about something because of some bad experience I had at summer camp or some shit. Once you realize you have a problem and you want it fixed, your new problem is fixing it. :p
I also learned one other super important thing.
Most of you realize that you should NEVER go grocery shopping when your hungry because you'll buy all kinds of crap food.
Well, you should NEVER try to work out relationship problems when you're horny for sorta the same reason.
I'll give you that little bit of information for free.
-MAC-