what the hell is wrong with me?

[ms. bing]

a man i have known for quite some time made it clear earlier this week that he wanted to see me. i knew he was interested in being more than friends. i ran into him on friday, and he told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted to see if there could be an "us". i took him home, and we sat up until about 2am talking. i wanted to see where he was in his life and mind.

sunday he came and joined me and a friend and all our assorted children at the beach. after that he came over again. again he spent the night. we sat up and watched "boondock saints" and then talked until 2 (again). when we woke up he hung out and read, watched movies and played with eva. he skipped out on some plans he had with friends because he said he really enjoyed hanging out with us more. i had no doubt that it was true. overall, he fit in well here.

he's a good guy. he wants to settle down. he wants to talk about the future and plan for something in his life. he seems to be tired of the "running around being cool" thing. these are all good things and are all things that would (should) make for an excellent boyfriend. we have plenty in common. he's been respectful of my limits.

my dilemma is this: i don't want a boyfriend, even a good one. i don't want someone there all the time. i don't want someone to have a claim on my time or company. the only person i want to spend my life with is my daughter. i want to have my own home and my own stuff. i want to pursue my studies in peace. it's nice to have someone to talk to about all this stuff, and poor eva has heard more about the romantic period this summer than any 3-year-old should have to deal with, i think. dad, too, has listened politely when i just needed to vent about my work and my other work. but i feel like i would rather have this person there as a good friend, one that i can run around with when i want company and then go home by myself and just lay in bed and read without dealing with anyone else's wants and needs (besides eva's, of course). i don't see an end to this desire to be alone.
and i think that i'm crazy.
any girl i know would love to be with a guy like this. but i don't want him. dad says i'm just not a co-habitant person. i guess that's true. but even taking it slow hasn't been slow enough. he told me he was really into me. i didn't like the feeling of being the one person someone is into.
am i crazy? should i want to be with someone? i guess it would be nice to have sex now and then, but i don't want sex without love and respect, and i can't give those things back even to people who want to give them to me. is it wrong to not want a man, or feel like i don't need one? things didn't work out with eva's dad, and it wasn't for lack of trying. i don't get what's wrong with me.
guess i'm just a feminist or something. been reading too much chopin, i guess.

[Escape Artist]

bing, you're a fucking warrior, and that's just it with you, that's all of it.

everything - all of it - with you...confrontational. this included, and that's the prob.

you walk around with a damned sword in hand, your idea of how life should be, you hate it all, think it's right, and apparently want it to be desperately correct to fit your construct.

here's the bad thing - you don't want to be absolutely alone forever, you don't want sole control of your kids, your finances, your friends - and you drive all of this shite away. hell, you call it shite, for chrissakes.

it's fucking insecurity. you will have to adapt, the kids will, and as a mother and a g/f or a potential wife - you will have to make all the calls that affect your relationship with him or any other person.

you don't want to. dig into your fears with a couple shots of wild turkey and get this stuff straight.

shut your damned brain up, date people, get the hell out of your house, and live before you die, you fucktard. a remote place on oil roads isn't quite doing it when you aren't taking advantage of the opportunities.

you're terrified and you hate everyone, that's how you live and cope. move on. you only get this life, y'know. sex gets boring, don't bother with that. crap in two weeks.

nevermind most things - you want a companion - think about it and quit being as utterly fucking narrowminded as you seem to manage - hell, you kept a rifle a good 6 feet away when i laughed with yer kids.

grow up and explore, or die like a flowering plant without water. it's your choice, bing.

hope you make one that doesn't bug me.

[ms. bing]

ea, you need to sober up before you respond to things in this particular forum.

[skalie]

I didn't know you could read music ms bing.

[Koliedrus]

As usual I can only apply circumstances to my own for comparison and hope that some sense will come out of it.

Once upon a time, I took a long while "off" just to be with myself. Going from relationship to heartbreak over and over lead me to a point where I said, "enough". The dating ritual has far too many masks that need to be put on and stripped away over time that I just chose not to even wear one. That's when I met Sid.




When she was pregnant with Nathan, I was afraid. I couldn't imagine sharing the love I have for my child with another one. The thought overwhelmed me. That feeling changed every time he kicked my hand.
Now it's difficult for me to even remember feeling that way!





Once upon a time I was comfortable to be a loner (as far as "romantic" relationships go). I didn't want the hassle of sharing myself with someone and losing that part of me when they went away. So, I formed this comfy little shell around myself and became a boy in a bubble. I would interract with people but I wouldn't let anyone penetrate my shell. Set up a little music studio, had jam sessions, watched eyes light up when their thoughts were made audible...

I was happy watching others being happy.

This may seem off track but I'll give it a shot anyway and hope it gets through...

One of the toughest problems with coming up with a Theory Of Everything is that Time is difficult to understand on the quantum level. Even though it's the most familiar thing to us, it's perhaps the least understood.

In particular, this question is often asked (paraphrased):

"Why is it that the arrow of time only allows us to remember the past and not the future?"

I don't know the anwer but I can tell you that a little over 14 years ago, Sid and I "remembered" our future for an instant. It wasn't a "vision" by any means. It was more like, "remember that guy who played in that movie? Oh.. what's-his-name..."

I still have that shell but now there are other people in here with me. As do you, Bing, I think. You and Eva.

When someone finds their way in, you'll feel it. Be a mom for a while. Sounds like a pretty kick-ass bubble you have there :cool:

[Mudflap]

For the better part of my adult life, I figured it was my lot to be alone with intermittent spatterings of relationships that occassionally involved the heart. Months and years went by between cautious and calculated forays into the lands of dating. I HAD my own home and my own stuff. I spent hundreds of nights alone with only the company of my dog and my cat and anonymous personalities on internet message boards. I watched TV. I read books. I kept up a 3 acre yard. Occassionaly I chatted with family over the phone. Sometimes I even visited them.

That was the life for me. That was my destination and my destiny. That was my self constructed bubble.

Some really good, caring people, a few twists of fate and happenstance, and my desire and need to discover truths beyond my own rigid, yet fallible personal opinions and philosophies, helped me put truth to my own lies.

I look back at WHO and WHERE I was then and WHO and WHERE I am now, and I can only smile and shake my head in wonder and be thankful that some forces are more powerful than my own will, ignorance, and stubbornness.

Back then, you couldn't convince me that I'd wind up where I am today.

On that note, I won't even try to convince you that your wants and desires are right or wrong. I'm no longer arrogant enough to even form an opinion on the subject.

I'll just wish you the same good fortune that found me, in whatever form it takes.

[jess]

Bing, here's my take on it. And I'm known for being wrong, but it's just my opinion.
I think you are still truly hurting from Eva's dad.
Are you wrong for not wanting a man in your life? No...
It's your decision. Are you maybe passing up a good man in fear of getting hurt again, most likely, yes.
What you do is your choice, it's only up to you to make the decision of whether or not you want to be with someone or not.
I’ve been where you are. I never loved my ex husband the way I love my current husband. But for a long time, I thought I’d never know what love was. I found it where I wasn’t looking, when I least expected it.
You will too. You’re already having “second thoughts” and “doubts” about if something is wrong with you over the choice you made. If you have doubts chances are, you have reasons to have doubts.
Bing, do what your heart tells you. If you feel the need to cut out all men, and focus on your daughter, nothing wrong with that, that’s great.
If you want to pursue love or a relationship, that’s great too.
It’s your life , live it how you want.

[Billyman]

and i think that i'm crazy.

You are not alone on that.

am i crazy?

I think you’re owned by too much independence. I would go as far as to say you’re a little selfish too. Too self involved and narrow minded. I think you deprive yourself of some sleight of happiness you’re scared of finding. I think you are a truly beautiful person inside and out but just have no clue when to let go……….at least just a little and to take a chance.

I almost truly feel sorry for you. I know some lonely old ladies just like you.

[Koliedrus]

I keep thinking about that Seinfeld episode where George left answering machine messages he wanted to retract.

Regardless.


Bing is now a notch on the Tribal Belt. Or something.

[Escape Artist]

hell, i'll just say it - grow up, bing. get over yourself, get a god-damned life, and fucking do something besides this martyr trash that seems to be the present undertow to your life's current.

it's not gonna make a difference. what you do and what you don't do is the concern after the fact. last i checked, A&E's biography shows didn't address what everyone felt and how much they didn't do and so forth, history books don't look at how Washington felt - it should be apparent that no one cares.

here's the thing - you two get along, at present. you seem to be the type of wench that hammers rifts into relationships eventually or sommat similar. it's some kind of fatalistic long-term planning on your part and instigated by you that is the issue here, from what you've said anyway.

you enjoy it, so you won't grant yourself the product of your desire. you're the person who makes cracks, so you won't change. you'll get what you indicate you want regardless, because no one will bother with you eventually.

if you want to do this whole thing, you're going to have to work for it. and you seem to want to, at any rate.

so go do it already, or look at your premises enough that you know why you refuse to.

as for being sloshed or not being sloshed - i don't care. so get me banned or deal with it. ain't much of a mile high club to ban me from - i don't see much intellectual superiority in 'this forum' - feh.

have fun with the lessons.

[Pianomahnn]

ain't much of a mile high club to ban me from - i don't see much intellectual superiority in 'this forum' - feh.


Fag. :icon_piss

[Escape Artist]

nah. :(

[skalie]

"what the hell is wrong with me? stuck in 1983" was a line from a song I once wrote.

Song was called "White Dopes on Punk"

[Cruise Director]

There's an awful lot of heavy-fisted "advice" in here. We really can't be that judgemental based on a couple of paragraphs.

There are people who really don't need the codependance of a relationship. Bing may be one of them. Her desires to be alone and raise her daughter may just be in the best interest of Eva, too. What kind of affect does that have on a little kid to parade different suitors / boyfriends in front of her? It's a catch-22 that you want a child to have a stable, two parent home vs. role models in and out of their lives.

In short, Bing, you are not crazy. You may just want different things than other people. Every person has their own punchlist of desires, wants and needs based on their own situations. There's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps one day that special somebody will come along and change your outlook on being alone.

[Escape Artist]

everyone wants company.

usually it's an insane fucking struggle to just get some intangible thing.

no, it doesn't make that much sense.

she seemed happy with this guy, and so i think she should give it a shot. her kid will be okay. she's not that crazy, stupid, or self-interested.

she'll kill herself in one second for eva, so that cannot be the problem.

i will not explain anymore, and yes, i am heavy fisted, personally.

bing - try it. your kid will never suffer because you're too fucking nuts to ever allow that kind of thing. you gotta eventually evolve into a person.

no, you aren't a kid building machine, and you were briefly happy, so go with it, try it.

god help anyone who wrongs you. you stayed up til 2 am to just talk.

try it.

give it a shot.

you'll be okay, i think.

nothing to lose so far.

[ms. bing]

it went down like this:
he called on tuesday and i ignored him.
he called on wednesday and i missed it.
on thursday he didn't call and i realized i missed him.
so i called him. proving he is the better person here, he answered. saturday he came by for a little while. then he left for a week. he called me a time or two, i called him a time or two. as soon as his business was done, he drove most of the way across this state to join me at the Harry Potter release party and wait in line until 12:30am to buy our copies of the new book. by last night we were sitting in side-by-side armchairs reading and making comments about plot development and theories on how it will turn out. this morning he and eva played go-fish.
i don't know how anything will turn out. he's a sweetheart, and we seem to have a few good things in common. the things we don't have in common may very well compliment each other enough that it works.
who knows? this may be the end of the solo ms. bing.
however, don't think i'll be becoming mrs. bing anytime soon.

[jess]

Mrs. Bing, I think that is great.
I think it's great that you are finally opening up some.
Good for you.
By the way, I got my new potter book yesterday too. CVS happened to have them for 22.00, I'm only on the 3rd chapter, been one of those days where I haven't felt much like reading.
Congrats on a great guy so far though. I'm happy for you.

[Billyman]

Atta girl Bing.

You’re right too, either it will or it won’t work but at least you’re willing take a small step forward with your guard a little lower. Keeping it up is a must and strongly advisable but that doesn’t require the use of a hockey mask or football gear.

Good luck to you. :)

[Koliedrus]

You're all getting soft. 'bout fucking time!

For a while there I figured she'd packed her shit and left the forum. (notice that I waited over a week before making that assumption)

Glad you're not a "notch", Bing. Running people off is easy. Rounding them back up takes effort.

He sounds interesting in many ways. That side-by-side reading of the same book, the distance traveled to meet, the fact that it's obvious that you're both interested in each other...

If I had to guess I'd say that the fear of dependency factors in here somewhere. Couple that with the fear of loss once dependency has been established and the possibility of not being "yourself" rears its ugly head.

Again, I draw on my past experiences so if this doesn't fit your situation, put it in the back of your mind:

While the relationship is still new, make it clear (either straightforward or subtly) that you are capable and willing to hand out "walking papers" should things degrade into an uncomfortable situation. Your strength is apparent. Maintain it while you breathe.

You've also shown that some part of you allows you to see through that wall of fear to make changes in your behavior. From what you've written, those changes seem to have a positive aspect.

See what you can see from your perspective and please continue to allow us a glimpse through your eyes. Digest the responses as they come to you and make the best of the spectroscopic result. In other words, shine your light into this prism and see what comes out the other end.

He sounds cool but I don't trust him yet.
File that away as you see fit.