Time to vent

[jess]

I’m going to vent because someone very smart told me that I shouldn’t keep things bottled up, I’m the type that’s liable to explode. So here goes.

A couple of months ago my mother informs me that my grandmother has lung cancer and hospice comes to her house now and that she’s on morphine.
This was a complete shock to me since I wasn’t even aware she was sick, let alone that bad.
Saturday after my wedding, my mother calls me aside and tells me she’s going to call my grandmother and she wants me to talk to her. We go outside and make the call, I couldn’t even recognize her. She didn’t sound the same. She was so drugged up on the morphine that I didn’t even recognize her.
Yesterday my mother calls me and tells me that her and my sister are going to make the trip to Ohio this evening because my sister wants to see her one last time before she goes.
She calls the hospice nurse who is caring for my grandmother. The nurse tells her that if they want to see her alive they need to come now. My grandmother’s cancer has spread to her brain. She has seizers and can’t swallow. Therefore she is not getting her diabetes meds or anything at this time.
My grandmother keeps going unconsience off and on.
I spoke to my mother a few minutes ago, she is in Ohio now with my grandmother. I can hear her screaming out in the background “Just let me go” “Just take me now” “I want to be with Jesus”. It pains me to hear her in such pain.
I hate that she’s dying, but I hate more that I haven’t seen her in so long. I hate that I didn’t take the time to call her more often then I did. I feel guilt tons and tons of guilt for not putting in more effort.
I hate that I didn’t go see her when she was well. I feel bad for not making a day to drive to Ohio. I hate that I didn’t send her more pictures. I hate that Billy will never get to meet her.
Well, there’s my vent for the day.

[Cruise Director]

Our hindsight in these matters is always 20/20. No matter how good our relationship with anyone in our life, upon their passing, we always wonder what it is that we could have done better. It's natural. Sad, but natural.

You need to focus on the good times you and your grandmother had. I guarantee she cherishes them just the same as you do and I hope you can take some comfort in that. You can also look at those areas that you feel you needed to improve with your grandma and turn them in to lessons. Cherish your little one and make sure you don't miss out with her and her kids what you may have missed with your mother and grandmother.

[ms. bing]

i remember those last days when someone has cancer. there is nothing more painful than hearing that, or seeing what has become of a once vibrant person.
it makes me shudder to think about it.
you would hope your loved ones would go in a more dignified, painless fashion, such as being hit by a bus...
but sometimes they don't. and the end can get messy. it will be over soon for her, and you can try to take comfort in the end of her pain. she will, trust me. it sounds like she's ready.
i don't know what kind of beliefs you hold, but just remember that her time is her time, and all the would-haves and should-haves in the world won't change that. your mother and sister are saying goodbye. i know you have other things to take care of now, but you're saying goodbye in your own way just by posting this.
keep saying it. eventually it feels better.

[jess]

Thanks Cruise and Bing. The other night, I sat down with Billy and had a much needed cry. One of those ones where you feel like you can't catch your breath. After that, I actually slept that night.
This morning my mother called to tell me my grandmother just died. So far, I'm ok. It'll probably hit me when we go for the funeral.

[Escape Artist]

i watched my granny die slowly. more often than not if i'm in my mom's room i look at the pictures and get fairly pissed off that she isn't respected anymore - but that's my vendetta to hold.

for a while, i could handle going to see her; i had a lot of respect, a lot of love.

there were no tricks, no incentives, or otherwise - just mom asking if i wanted to go with her to see her "mom." sometimes i could, sometimes i just didn't want or need to - even then there was so much i could handle. take of it what you will.

more often than not i just couldn't honestly bear to see mom hurting as badly as she did at her mom's bedside, hoping for a recovery, or death, or just....something. i'd been through it all, lived it, invested myself in it, tried to help, succeeded and failed...there was just one day when i knew, and mom didn't ask - she just went, and it was all over.

i've never figured out the kind of respect you give to someone who could easily teach all of us here in 5 minutes with some learned wisdom. just don't know how to honor that...but i intend to learn.

here's to her, and a certain Oma, and everyone's parents and grandparents before them - it's easy to forget them, but the lessons really do keep going through us.

you only get them for so long, and then it is colored by retrospect...best of luck.

[SimpleSimon]

Jess, my condolences. I can well imagine what you are feeling now.

EA, you and I have had our differences, but I got to say - your post above was well written, empathetic, and showed a side of you that is all to seldom seen. Well said.

[Koliedrus]

I know which Oma Jason is talking about and I agree with his perception and appreciate the sentiment.

I've never been good at handling the death of someone close to me when it happens. I cry. I always do. When someone important to your life is detached from you it's like losing a metaphysical limb. But like a lost limb, it still works in your heart/mind.

I know I manifest the Colonel and Joey more than some would like but they really are "with me".

Cry as you must for losing a part of you.

Heal as you must for the sake of the new parts that are added during the course of your life.

Remind the new parts of how the missing ones functioned.

[Cruise Director]

EA, you and I have had our differences, but I got to say - your post above was well written, empathetic, and showed a side of you that is all to seldom seen. Well said.

Absolutely agreed.

[Cruise Director]

Jess, don't know if you have read this, (http://www.thehypertribe.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3900&highlight=Gramma) but it shows some insight in to my relationship with my gramma.

Treasure what you have and cherish what you don't have any more.

[Escape Artist]

Jess, my condolences. I can well imagine what you are feeling now.

EA, you and I have had our differences, but I got to say - your post above was well written, empathetic, and showed a side of you that is all to seldom seen. Well said.

Thanks for the support. The guy sitting here and the guy banging on keys are essentially two different people - sometimes I break through the gap.

So be it. Be well, Simon.

[Billyman]

Kudo’s EA and all the others.

Jess and I have only discussed “death” once or twice and that was about a sister she lost quiet some years ago. The way she handled/coped with it was to ignore it and to put it out of mind so she didn’t feel the pain. I’ve told her before this wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with death and a lost loved one be it friend or family. I feel like if you don’t go through at least some of the steps (one being feeling the pain) you can’t move to the final step and that is, at is should be, a celebration of their lives. Jess was trying to bottle her grandmothers passing (or passing to be coming soon) but it wasn’t working. She couldn’t ignore it and I could tell. When I asked what was wrong (although I knew I still asked) I got “nothing, I’m just tired”. I know bullshit when I smell it but I didn’t press the issue. Finally, she broke…..she came here to vent but that was a good thing. Afterwards we sat down and talked, she had that cry she needed. She felt the pain. Everything from here on out will ultimately end up with a celebration.

A person or a thing can only die in a physical sense. As long as there are memories of a past life….as long as you carry someone or some thing in your heart, there is no such thing as “death”.

As strange and odd as it may sound, a time of death is a time to celebrate.

[SimpleSimon]

...As strange and odd as it may sound, a time of death is a time to celebrate.

I agree with you Billyman. Sometimes it takes a lot longer to get to the celebration.

I've lost my last two paternal uncles in the last month. Saturday the 18th Jed and I will join much family and many friends in celebrating the life of my Uncle Clint, which is exactly how he wanted things to be.

[jess]

Well today was hard, particularly because i spent time "remembering" In my car on the way to work, which is about a 40 minute drive. I kept thinking about all the "good times."
I cried for a little while. But it felt good to cry. When I got to work, I told the girls about it, and cried while they cried with me.
It's a hard day, but she's better off. At least she's not in pain. And she believes she was going to heaven to be with my sister and her mother. I don't know if that's true or not, I have no proof in heaven. But I'd like to think she's in a better place. She was suffering being alive.
The services are next weekend so I have a WV trip ahead of me. And Billy will get to meet ALL my family. Some of which he won't like, but at least he'll meet them all.
I will remember the good times, not the bad. She was a great woman, a woman that will be greatly missed.
Thanks everyone :D