Barbie
01-03-2005, 11:01 PM
January 3, 2005
Carrie,
I hadn’t intended on writing you because really, none of anything you do is my business yet this time I really can’t help but have a say, at least to you, about how I think things have gone way out of control.
In the past, when we were teens, I would defend your actions. Not so much as to make excuses for you, but to shrug my shoulders and say at least to my self, “That’s just Carrie”. The feeling for me has always been, “If it doesn’t directly affect me, than I don’t care”. Other people in my own group outright called you terrible names like “slut” and “whore” and I would justify your actions and defend you. I remember one time being stopped outside of Save On Foods by Webber and her sister who were ranting and raving…and I have always stood up for you with regards to that whole situation. I would answer Barb in many cases by saying, “Like looking in the mirror, eh?”
It’s funny Carrie. When you called Christmas Eve and said you were divorcing your parents, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t surprised when you said, “Barb, they are acting like they did 15 years ago,” because you know, the first thing I thought, and wish I had said to you on the phone was, “But Carrie, you are acting just like YOU did 15 years ago”.
I share the feelings of your mom. You told me she said, “…you’re throwing eights years of your life away”. I agree. I’m not going to ask what you are/were thinking because it’s not going to make sense to me anyway.
I’ve lived in Calgary now for eight years myself. All of those years, you are the only one that I had kept in contact with. Of those that lived in the Lower Mainland that is. Mel is the exception because she is in New Brunswick. I thought that the distance would tear us apart, but it didn’t. We talked on the phone at least twice a month. At the start.
You were doing things then that were questionable. Like the whole situation with Alvin. The fact that your parents didn’t know about him for all that time was amazing, but you pulled it off. You were right. They never would have approved of the situation. For more reason’s than that he was Philippine I suppose. You were living with him and they never knew, but of course, you were not as close with your parents at that point in your life. I don’t think it was until your dad had a heart-attack, but the time line eludes me. I don’t quite remember the systematic order of events in your life because, well, quite frankly, I really had tried to stay out your business. I was just an ear.
I do remember you started seeing Mike when you were still with Alvin though, and not shortly after Alvin was “gone”, you and Mike were living together. You said that he was the one. That he was the person you were truly in love with. I thought then (as I do now) you never gave yourself the opportunity to be alone and try it on your own without a guy. You went from one to the other (and now again, from on to the other).
I know that for the last several years, you have been disappointed by one way or the other with the relationship between you and Mike. I’m not quite sure what was the single largest problem, but I know that there were many little things. I do know that you both seemed very much in love. It was obvious.
It is my opinion that little things can be worked on. There is always a way to fix the little things because the little things really are meaningless. So his mother was more involved in his life that you would have liked. Get over it, you’re marrying her son so she did something right, right?
So if Mike is not helpful around the apartment, at least you would be able to see it from his position. He had 20 years of someone doing everything for him. It could not be expected to “change”, probably not ever. It’s a guy thing too. Think it’s going to be any different with the new guy? I think the main thing though, is that at least Mike was there. Right?
I digress. If all the little things that were an issue or pain to you, I know that you knew that at the very least, Mike loved you. For all of YOUR inconsistencies, he was there for you and for all of the opportunities he had to bail on YOU, he didn’t.
Perhaps the one thing that Michael failed you in was the commitment date for the marriage. I’m not sure how you truly felt about the wedding thing. I know that I was upset by the fact that you two were never able to set the date, let alone the place. It was always my feeling (bias from watching too much Oprah) that if a couple is unable to set a date, within one year of engagement, the relationship would fail. The fact that you two had stayed together for three years after getting engaged baffled me. It was then that I thought maybe my theory was junk. Maybe it would work out after all.
I thought I would be an “Auntie” (Honorary of course) years ago. It never happened. You seem to have always been very careful about that. I look at the future now and can only hope that you never have children. I look at what I am going through and I worry what children would do to you. Or isa versa – what would you do to your children?
Your relationship with your parents always seemed toxic to me. No, not seemed. It is. I know that you always walked on your toes so as to not get caught doing all the things you knew you’d get in shit for. As teen’s I would think that my mom’s rules were so outrageous and unfair, just as you thought the same of your mom’s. I don’t remember what it was that eventually saw you leave that house for the last time, but I know as a parent, your mom was hoping that you would find there would be no one to turn to or trust, better than your parents, and you would eventually come to your senses and go home to straighten up. That is what my own mom had going through her head about me. This is one of the reason’s too, that my mom and your mom agreed to and got along so well about. It was a decision they made that if either of us found our way to the other’s door for help, they would turn them in to their own home. They had the same way of thinking. As a parent now, I hope that Kristine’s friends parents will agree to that with me.
Looking back now, I didn’t help you at all. Do you see the irony in all of this yet? I do. Probably because my own kid is edging closer and closer to that age. The attitude already very apparent. Maybe, if you don’t see the irony yet, you won’t ever. Unless you are able to live in your own mothers shoes. It’s not just a matter of visioning yourself there, as it is being there. Only children will find you to truly see the whole picture.
But instead Carrie, you found someone to take you in and the story was written – and here you are again, 15 years later…and who is in your life at this point? The point of the downfall?
I knew from the moment that you told me where you were building/buying your house that it was a very bad idea. I knew that going back to the wack would be trouble. Though what astounds me the most is just how quickly it all came unraveled or unglued. Well, it did astound me, until I thought about it a little more.
What did you give up? What did you gain? Don’t tell me that gain is better than what you had.
Famous words: “It’s not getting what you want; it’s wanting what you got!”
So now it comes to this. I sat here thinking about questions for you to answer but I re-thought, answer to whom? You don’t need to answer anything to me. You aren’t going to be judged by me in the end and quite honestly, I don’t care what it was that led you to this. You only have to answer to you and if your conscience is still intact, I hope that you answer honestly about it and take steps to correct it. If it comes to that. If it’s not to late that is.
But Carrie, I have to say goodbye to you. This time, you are on your own. I suppose you aren’t alone though, are you? You’ve decided to surround yourself with the people you feel care about you more and about what your best interests are. Of course, it dismays me that you would put them before your parents who have always, only, wanted what was best for you. If you were able to take your head out of the clouds and stop dreaming about an unrealistic life, you may have been able to see that a long time ago.
At this point you could be thinking,”What about what I want for me?” – well, Carrie, the only answer there is that Carrie has always got, what Carrie wanted regardless of the cost to others who love her. In a nutshell Carrie, you are very selfish.
You really have thrown away eight years of re-build in your life and for what? Do you really think that a life without the love of your parents, the respect of your parents – parents who love you so much – they would have been there forever – trust me as a parentless child about the value of my mom and the guilt that I will forever live with because I wasn’t able to correct the wrongs before my mom died…died hating me –
But because Carrie wanted something different? Carrie got bored? She needed a change of scenery? A change in men?
What was it that could not be worked out between you and Mike? You both decided to build/buy a house together and then suddenly the relationship is over?
But worse, before he was even out of your life, out of HIS house (it’s his house too); you take up with and are sleeping with Dirk? Basically you have been having an affair for months and within days of Mike moving (and not even all his stuff yet either) you’re gloating and smug about your new relationship.
“Barb, I’m getting married but it’s not to who you think.”
Carrie. You are a slut. You are a selfish whore.
Do you know that you have broken Mike’s heart? Your parents? Mine?
Yet again, Carrie goes around hurting other emotionally all for her gain. “But what about what I want?” – Well, you got what you want, didn’t you?
Your life may feel like it’s falling apart in a very short time. Not right now, because you are surrounded by new people who you think are going to be there forever…but you need to think about that again.
Knowing you, life will be rebuilt. If there is one thing I’ve known about you, you’ve been able to charm your way through life. You’ll end up on top again. But this time, who will be there with you? The people who really love you? No.
The last time you called me, you did not ask me one how I was doing. You did not ask about Kristine, or how she might be doing or where she is living for that matter. You did not ask about Mike or our house or what we were doing with ourselves. You didn’t ask if I was feeling any better if I had spent more time in the hospital. You did not ask about anything. And looking back, this was typical.
We rarely ever talked about things in my life. We talked about yours. I was so sick from the complications from the surgeries (last 2) and I needed someone to talk to about my fears and my wishes…but we didn’t get to talk about that. We talked about you and what you needed in your life and your expectations and your *everything and I didn’t complain then.
You would only call me when you needed to vent. After the last of my surgeries, did you notice that I was avoiding you? That was my original way of removing your from my life.
This letter now serves that purpose.
I suppose Carrie, by way of this letter, the friendship is ending. It was one sided anyway and it really is only my loss.
You have a very different life style and I wish to be absent from it. You have serious issues and you always have. A perpetual liar and a morbid cheater. These things will not change.
You are truly behaving like you did 15 years ago, and this time, it affects me and I do not wish to be part of it. I won’t make excuses or shrug my shoulders anymore.
You will live your life the way you have always lived your life. Selfishly, without any consideration of others in your life. All I can give you is my wishes of good luck.
I hope that you finally find what you are looking for; whatever that may be.
Barbie
Carrie,
I hadn’t intended on writing you because really, none of anything you do is my business yet this time I really can’t help but have a say, at least to you, about how I think things have gone way out of control.
In the past, when we were teens, I would defend your actions. Not so much as to make excuses for you, but to shrug my shoulders and say at least to my self, “That’s just Carrie”. The feeling for me has always been, “If it doesn’t directly affect me, than I don’t care”. Other people in my own group outright called you terrible names like “slut” and “whore” and I would justify your actions and defend you. I remember one time being stopped outside of Save On Foods by Webber and her sister who were ranting and raving…and I have always stood up for you with regards to that whole situation. I would answer Barb in many cases by saying, “Like looking in the mirror, eh?”
It’s funny Carrie. When you called Christmas Eve and said you were divorcing your parents, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t surprised when you said, “Barb, they are acting like they did 15 years ago,” because you know, the first thing I thought, and wish I had said to you on the phone was, “But Carrie, you are acting just like YOU did 15 years ago”.
I share the feelings of your mom. You told me she said, “…you’re throwing eights years of your life away”. I agree. I’m not going to ask what you are/were thinking because it’s not going to make sense to me anyway.
I’ve lived in Calgary now for eight years myself. All of those years, you are the only one that I had kept in contact with. Of those that lived in the Lower Mainland that is. Mel is the exception because she is in New Brunswick. I thought that the distance would tear us apart, but it didn’t. We talked on the phone at least twice a month. At the start.
You were doing things then that were questionable. Like the whole situation with Alvin. The fact that your parents didn’t know about him for all that time was amazing, but you pulled it off. You were right. They never would have approved of the situation. For more reason’s than that he was Philippine I suppose. You were living with him and they never knew, but of course, you were not as close with your parents at that point in your life. I don’t think it was until your dad had a heart-attack, but the time line eludes me. I don’t quite remember the systematic order of events in your life because, well, quite frankly, I really had tried to stay out your business. I was just an ear.
I do remember you started seeing Mike when you were still with Alvin though, and not shortly after Alvin was “gone”, you and Mike were living together. You said that he was the one. That he was the person you were truly in love with. I thought then (as I do now) you never gave yourself the opportunity to be alone and try it on your own without a guy. You went from one to the other (and now again, from on to the other).
I know that for the last several years, you have been disappointed by one way or the other with the relationship between you and Mike. I’m not quite sure what was the single largest problem, but I know that there were many little things. I do know that you both seemed very much in love. It was obvious.
It is my opinion that little things can be worked on. There is always a way to fix the little things because the little things really are meaningless. So his mother was more involved in his life that you would have liked. Get over it, you’re marrying her son so she did something right, right?
So if Mike is not helpful around the apartment, at least you would be able to see it from his position. He had 20 years of someone doing everything for him. It could not be expected to “change”, probably not ever. It’s a guy thing too. Think it’s going to be any different with the new guy? I think the main thing though, is that at least Mike was there. Right?
I digress. If all the little things that were an issue or pain to you, I know that you knew that at the very least, Mike loved you. For all of YOUR inconsistencies, he was there for you and for all of the opportunities he had to bail on YOU, he didn’t.
Perhaps the one thing that Michael failed you in was the commitment date for the marriage. I’m not sure how you truly felt about the wedding thing. I know that I was upset by the fact that you two were never able to set the date, let alone the place. It was always my feeling (bias from watching too much Oprah) that if a couple is unable to set a date, within one year of engagement, the relationship would fail. The fact that you two had stayed together for three years after getting engaged baffled me. It was then that I thought maybe my theory was junk. Maybe it would work out after all.
I thought I would be an “Auntie” (Honorary of course) years ago. It never happened. You seem to have always been very careful about that. I look at the future now and can only hope that you never have children. I look at what I am going through and I worry what children would do to you. Or isa versa – what would you do to your children?
Your relationship with your parents always seemed toxic to me. No, not seemed. It is. I know that you always walked on your toes so as to not get caught doing all the things you knew you’d get in shit for. As teen’s I would think that my mom’s rules were so outrageous and unfair, just as you thought the same of your mom’s. I don’t remember what it was that eventually saw you leave that house for the last time, but I know as a parent, your mom was hoping that you would find there would be no one to turn to or trust, better than your parents, and you would eventually come to your senses and go home to straighten up. That is what my own mom had going through her head about me. This is one of the reason’s too, that my mom and your mom agreed to and got along so well about. It was a decision they made that if either of us found our way to the other’s door for help, they would turn them in to their own home. They had the same way of thinking. As a parent now, I hope that Kristine’s friends parents will agree to that with me.
Looking back now, I didn’t help you at all. Do you see the irony in all of this yet? I do. Probably because my own kid is edging closer and closer to that age. The attitude already very apparent. Maybe, if you don’t see the irony yet, you won’t ever. Unless you are able to live in your own mothers shoes. It’s not just a matter of visioning yourself there, as it is being there. Only children will find you to truly see the whole picture.
But instead Carrie, you found someone to take you in and the story was written – and here you are again, 15 years later…and who is in your life at this point? The point of the downfall?
I knew from the moment that you told me where you were building/buying your house that it was a very bad idea. I knew that going back to the wack would be trouble. Though what astounds me the most is just how quickly it all came unraveled or unglued. Well, it did astound me, until I thought about it a little more.
What did you give up? What did you gain? Don’t tell me that gain is better than what you had.
Famous words: “It’s not getting what you want; it’s wanting what you got!”
So now it comes to this. I sat here thinking about questions for you to answer but I re-thought, answer to whom? You don’t need to answer anything to me. You aren’t going to be judged by me in the end and quite honestly, I don’t care what it was that led you to this. You only have to answer to you and if your conscience is still intact, I hope that you answer honestly about it and take steps to correct it. If it comes to that. If it’s not to late that is.
But Carrie, I have to say goodbye to you. This time, you are on your own. I suppose you aren’t alone though, are you? You’ve decided to surround yourself with the people you feel care about you more and about what your best interests are. Of course, it dismays me that you would put them before your parents who have always, only, wanted what was best for you. If you were able to take your head out of the clouds and stop dreaming about an unrealistic life, you may have been able to see that a long time ago.
At this point you could be thinking,”What about what I want for me?” – well, Carrie, the only answer there is that Carrie has always got, what Carrie wanted regardless of the cost to others who love her. In a nutshell Carrie, you are very selfish.
You really have thrown away eight years of re-build in your life and for what? Do you really think that a life without the love of your parents, the respect of your parents – parents who love you so much – they would have been there forever – trust me as a parentless child about the value of my mom and the guilt that I will forever live with because I wasn’t able to correct the wrongs before my mom died…died hating me –
But because Carrie wanted something different? Carrie got bored? She needed a change of scenery? A change in men?
What was it that could not be worked out between you and Mike? You both decided to build/buy a house together and then suddenly the relationship is over?
But worse, before he was even out of your life, out of HIS house (it’s his house too); you take up with and are sleeping with Dirk? Basically you have been having an affair for months and within days of Mike moving (and not even all his stuff yet either) you’re gloating and smug about your new relationship.
“Barb, I’m getting married but it’s not to who you think.”
Carrie. You are a slut. You are a selfish whore.
Do you know that you have broken Mike’s heart? Your parents? Mine?
Yet again, Carrie goes around hurting other emotionally all for her gain. “But what about what I want?” – Well, you got what you want, didn’t you?
Your life may feel like it’s falling apart in a very short time. Not right now, because you are surrounded by new people who you think are going to be there forever…but you need to think about that again.
Knowing you, life will be rebuilt. If there is one thing I’ve known about you, you’ve been able to charm your way through life. You’ll end up on top again. But this time, who will be there with you? The people who really love you? No.
The last time you called me, you did not ask me one how I was doing. You did not ask about Kristine, or how she might be doing or where she is living for that matter. You did not ask about Mike or our house or what we were doing with ourselves. You didn’t ask if I was feeling any better if I had spent more time in the hospital. You did not ask about anything. And looking back, this was typical.
We rarely ever talked about things in my life. We talked about yours. I was so sick from the complications from the surgeries (last 2) and I needed someone to talk to about my fears and my wishes…but we didn’t get to talk about that. We talked about you and what you needed in your life and your expectations and your *everything and I didn’t complain then.
You would only call me when you needed to vent. After the last of my surgeries, did you notice that I was avoiding you? That was my original way of removing your from my life.
This letter now serves that purpose.
I suppose Carrie, by way of this letter, the friendship is ending. It was one sided anyway and it really is only my loss.
You have a very different life style and I wish to be absent from it. You have serious issues and you always have. A perpetual liar and a morbid cheater. These things will not change.
You are truly behaving like you did 15 years ago, and this time, it affects me and I do not wish to be part of it. I won’t make excuses or shrug my shoulders anymore.
You will live your life the way you have always lived your life. Selfishly, without any consideration of others in your life. All I can give you is my wishes of good luck.
I hope that you finally find what you are looking for; whatever that may be.
Barbie