Asmodeus
12-06-2004, 03:44 AM
Once upon a time there was a man named Santa. He was not a nice man.
Once a year he would go around to all the villages and break into people’s homes. He also had a very strange sense of humor. He would steal from one house, go to the one next door and leave some of the things he had stolen. Then do the same on down the line to all the homes in all the villages he could get to in one night. He was a strange one like that.
At first people were chagrined and angered that someone had been inside their home and was taking things. But, after a few years they understood that whoever was doing it was also leaving other “gifts” behind. And some of these gifts were just what they always wanted.
After many years the villagers decided that the man doing this was a thief but a saint. A saint to rival Peter, John, and Paul, you know, the Beatles. The village leaders all gathered one day and came up with a brilliant idea. They decreed that the one day a year that Santa had been going to all the houses would be made into a holiday. A holiday to rival the Jewish Hannukah. They would string up lights like the Jews did, but their holiday would be better because they were Christians. They would take the thief’s lead and exchange gifts and see what the old burglar would leave for them the next morning.
They tried the idea and it became an astounding success. Everyone was happy for this new distraction. They were pleased when Santa began leaving them things and figured it would be a great idea for them to do it also.
Now, Santa began noticing this. How could he not? There were now trees all decorated with presents wrapped in all sorts of colored paper. At first he did not like it. The trees got in his way and wreaked havoc with his allergies, especially cedar. But, he realized that it made the thieving all the more easier because the people were leaving gifts right there under the tree- away from their beds- which the other members of the house knew nothing as to what they were. So he began taking the gifts under the trees, because it was easier, and there were many houses he had to visit through the night. He also began to carry a large tot bag to carry it all.
The people were ecstatic. They did not know what their family was leaving them so the surprise was not spoiled for them to receive something they knew nothing about.
No one noticed except a few cynics which Christian carolers called Scrooges and Humbugs. But, that has always been the way of people whom others do not understand.
So the holiday began to expand. Now Santa was starting to get old and was having trouble getting in and out of all the houses all in the same night. So he made a deal with the devil so he could be immortal and go on doing it forever. The devil liked the idea so much he let Santa have some sprites, lesser demons, and ghouls to help him out. The legend progressed, as they always do, and these demons and ghouls became known as elves and were seen as cute little things. Santa was happy. He now had helpers to do the hard work while he had the time to break into the houses and do what he loved.
By this time the human population was expanding. The Jews had almost been wiped out again for their failure to observe Christmas, which the Christians began calling the holiday. The Christians were breeding like roaches.
Santa did not have time to visit all the houses in one night anymore. There were just too many. On one night, as he was contemplating what he was to do, he saw a bright and shining star streaking across the sky. Then it landed in front of him. Elvis jumped out and opened the cargo bay doors. Lo and behold there was a sleigh with twelve cybernetic reindeer- that would never wear out or need maintenance. They could also travel around mach fifteen. Santa jumped for joy. He could now travel the entire world all in one night. He shook Elvis’ hand and thanked him profusely. Elvis told him it was nothing. He just wanted to help. Elvis jumped back into his spaceship and went back home.
Several centuries went by and the Christians had continued to expand their population and were everywhere. But, Santa was happy. It did not matter how remote a location was, he could get there and everywhere else all in one night.
Quite by chance Santa discovered he had weapons aboard his sleigh. One night while he was flying over one of the oceans, a ship caught Santa in it’s spotlight. It nearly blinded poor Santa. It also made him mad. While Santa was cursing and waving his hands about he accidently hit a hidden console. Without even noticing, he sat on one of the controls and all of a sudden a missile shot out from underneath the sleigh and sank the offending ship. Santa was astounded. And he soon figured out how to use all those controls too.
By this time, there were ships all over the oceans and planes in the air all over the world. Which made Santa all the more mad because he had narrowly missed one of those planes while he was enjoying a nice bottle of scotch and a fine young wench he had “borrowed” from a town in Scotland. Needless to say that plane is no longer to be found.
After a while some of the Humbugs and Scrooges began noticing more and more planes and ships began to turn up missing. They were getting close to the truth. So Santa had no other choice, he went to the devil again. They were becoming real good friends. Satan had even rode with Santa on several occasions. Santa told the devil his problem. Satan told him to tell the world- via letters and anonymous emails- that there was a place in the ocean called the Bermuda Triangle which made ships and planes disappear. And that it was something that could not be explained.
And that is what Santa did. And the world believed except for the few Humbugs and Scrooges. Santa was happy again. He could do anything he wanted and completely get away with it all.
Some clever little fellow in the past had invented a thing called jets and radar and the like. And those jets and planes now equipped with this thing called radar began to notice a blip on their screens. They were seeing Santa, but they just didn’t know it. So, again Santa went to the devil. The devil told Santa to tell the world- via the same channels- that there were alien races out in the starry universe who had ships and were hostile and wanted humans as test animals in unbelievable experiments. Santa liked the idea and did it.
Next thing anyone knew, Satan made some movies and television shows like the X-Files to make people really believe that we are not alone. People believed. And paid good money to watch the shows and the movies so they could know what really was out there.
So now we are in this time and place with the demigod called Santa, the eternal prankster. Who is also called, by the Scrooges and Humbugs, the eternal voyeur. But, they are not listened to.
There was this one time, which should be added to Santa’s tale, that Santa began to notice that all of the things he had stolen throughout the ages had begun to build up. He had piles and piles of everything anyone could imagine just lying around, with no place to store it. Nor did he want to just get rid of it. He had worked so hard to steal it in the first place.
So, Santa went to the devil again. Satan told Santa to go to an art dealer to try to sell them. Santa was appalled. Sell his treasures? That’s almost as bad as just throwing them away. So Satan thought about it for a while. Satan then told Santa to go to the mob. They had warehouses that held everything from the real British Crown Jewels to Jimmy Hoffa. They would keep his treasures.
Santa liked the idea. He was so impressed with how the mob was organized he sold some of the paintings he had taken from Rembrandt years ago and bought a controlling interest in all of the mob’s business. The Don’s did not like it, but they did not know where Santa lived. Then they decided to see where all of this would take them.
Throughout the rest of the twentieth century and the beginning of the twenty-first, was the most profitable times for the mob. And they praised it all on Santa. Their guardian angel. Some of the Humbugs and Scrooges knew what was going on but now had the mob to tend with. So they shut up, went into hiding, and began writing science fiction novels.
Once a year he would go around to all the villages and break into people’s homes. He also had a very strange sense of humor. He would steal from one house, go to the one next door and leave some of the things he had stolen. Then do the same on down the line to all the homes in all the villages he could get to in one night. He was a strange one like that.
At first people were chagrined and angered that someone had been inside their home and was taking things. But, after a few years they understood that whoever was doing it was also leaving other “gifts” behind. And some of these gifts were just what they always wanted.
After many years the villagers decided that the man doing this was a thief but a saint. A saint to rival Peter, John, and Paul, you know, the Beatles. The village leaders all gathered one day and came up with a brilliant idea. They decreed that the one day a year that Santa had been going to all the houses would be made into a holiday. A holiday to rival the Jewish Hannukah. They would string up lights like the Jews did, but their holiday would be better because they were Christians. They would take the thief’s lead and exchange gifts and see what the old burglar would leave for them the next morning.
They tried the idea and it became an astounding success. Everyone was happy for this new distraction. They were pleased when Santa began leaving them things and figured it would be a great idea for them to do it also.
Now, Santa began noticing this. How could he not? There were now trees all decorated with presents wrapped in all sorts of colored paper. At first he did not like it. The trees got in his way and wreaked havoc with his allergies, especially cedar. But, he realized that it made the thieving all the more easier because the people were leaving gifts right there under the tree- away from their beds- which the other members of the house knew nothing as to what they were. So he began taking the gifts under the trees, because it was easier, and there were many houses he had to visit through the night. He also began to carry a large tot bag to carry it all.
The people were ecstatic. They did not know what their family was leaving them so the surprise was not spoiled for them to receive something they knew nothing about.
No one noticed except a few cynics which Christian carolers called Scrooges and Humbugs. But, that has always been the way of people whom others do not understand.
So the holiday began to expand. Now Santa was starting to get old and was having trouble getting in and out of all the houses all in the same night. So he made a deal with the devil so he could be immortal and go on doing it forever. The devil liked the idea so much he let Santa have some sprites, lesser demons, and ghouls to help him out. The legend progressed, as they always do, and these demons and ghouls became known as elves and were seen as cute little things. Santa was happy. He now had helpers to do the hard work while he had the time to break into the houses and do what he loved.
By this time the human population was expanding. The Jews had almost been wiped out again for their failure to observe Christmas, which the Christians began calling the holiday. The Christians were breeding like roaches.
Santa did not have time to visit all the houses in one night anymore. There were just too many. On one night, as he was contemplating what he was to do, he saw a bright and shining star streaking across the sky. Then it landed in front of him. Elvis jumped out and opened the cargo bay doors. Lo and behold there was a sleigh with twelve cybernetic reindeer- that would never wear out or need maintenance. They could also travel around mach fifteen. Santa jumped for joy. He could now travel the entire world all in one night. He shook Elvis’ hand and thanked him profusely. Elvis told him it was nothing. He just wanted to help. Elvis jumped back into his spaceship and went back home.
Several centuries went by and the Christians had continued to expand their population and were everywhere. But, Santa was happy. It did not matter how remote a location was, he could get there and everywhere else all in one night.
Quite by chance Santa discovered he had weapons aboard his sleigh. One night while he was flying over one of the oceans, a ship caught Santa in it’s spotlight. It nearly blinded poor Santa. It also made him mad. While Santa was cursing and waving his hands about he accidently hit a hidden console. Without even noticing, he sat on one of the controls and all of a sudden a missile shot out from underneath the sleigh and sank the offending ship. Santa was astounded. And he soon figured out how to use all those controls too.
By this time, there were ships all over the oceans and planes in the air all over the world. Which made Santa all the more mad because he had narrowly missed one of those planes while he was enjoying a nice bottle of scotch and a fine young wench he had “borrowed” from a town in Scotland. Needless to say that plane is no longer to be found.
After a while some of the Humbugs and Scrooges began noticing more and more planes and ships began to turn up missing. They were getting close to the truth. So Santa had no other choice, he went to the devil again. They were becoming real good friends. Satan had even rode with Santa on several occasions. Santa told the devil his problem. Satan told him to tell the world- via letters and anonymous emails- that there was a place in the ocean called the Bermuda Triangle which made ships and planes disappear. And that it was something that could not be explained.
And that is what Santa did. And the world believed except for the few Humbugs and Scrooges. Santa was happy again. He could do anything he wanted and completely get away with it all.
Some clever little fellow in the past had invented a thing called jets and radar and the like. And those jets and planes now equipped with this thing called radar began to notice a blip on their screens. They were seeing Santa, but they just didn’t know it. So, again Santa went to the devil. The devil told Santa to tell the world- via the same channels- that there were alien races out in the starry universe who had ships and were hostile and wanted humans as test animals in unbelievable experiments. Santa liked the idea and did it.
Next thing anyone knew, Satan made some movies and television shows like the X-Files to make people really believe that we are not alone. People believed. And paid good money to watch the shows and the movies so they could know what really was out there.
So now we are in this time and place with the demigod called Santa, the eternal prankster. Who is also called, by the Scrooges and Humbugs, the eternal voyeur. But, they are not listened to.
There was this one time, which should be added to Santa’s tale, that Santa began to notice that all of the things he had stolen throughout the ages had begun to build up. He had piles and piles of everything anyone could imagine just lying around, with no place to store it. Nor did he want to just get rid of it. He had worked so hard to steal it in the first place.
So, Santa went to the devil again. Satan told Santa to go to an art dealer to try to sell them. Santa was appalled. Sell his treasures? That’s almost as bad as just throwing them away. So Satan thought about it for a while. Satan then told Santa to go to the mob. They had warehouses that held everything from the real British Crown Jewels to Jimmy Hoffa. They would keep his treasures.
Santa liked the idea. He was so impressed with how the mob was organized he sold some of the paintings he had taken from Rembrandt years ago and bought a controlling interest in all of the mob’s business. The Don’s did not like it, but they did not know where Santa lived. Then they decided to see where all of this would take them.
Throughout the rest of the twentieth century and the beginning of the twenty-first, was the most profitable times for the mob. And they praised it all on Santa. Their guardian angel. Some of the Humbugs and Scrooges knew what was going on but now had the mob to tend with. So they shut up, went into hiding, and began writing science fiction novels.